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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that dp only wants me for my house??

49 replies

AlbertsJoy · 27/02/2014 09:42

I'll try to make this brief - been with dp for 3 years, we live apart, though have talked about getting a place together for almost 2 years. He rents a tiny flat, I own a small house. He has loads of stuff so I don't see how I'm going to fit it all in my house. We've talked about renting mine out and getting something big enough for us all (I have 3 ds). I've lived on the property websites for weeks, we've viewed some, he always finds a reason not to like the properties I've found and says he should move into mine cause its easier.....
I cant help thinking he just wants to get his foot in the door?? AIBU?? He says Im over-reacting and boderline insane!!! Opinions appreciated.........

OP posts:

Burren · 27/02/2014 09:43

If you genuinely think this, you clearly don't trust him and shouldn't even be considering moving in together in any house.

How is your relationship in general?

Goblinchild · 27/02/2014 09:45

Opinions?
He thinks you are borderline insane, you think he's a cocklodger.
Why are you with him? it sounds like yet another slowly-unfolding disaster in the making.
Keep things as they are, stay independent and shag him as a boyfriend if he's that good.

expatinscotland · 27/02/2014 09:45

FFS. Tell him NO! You won't be living in your house. Tbh, don't move in with at all.

Dinosaursareextinct · 27/02/2014 09:46

How is he going to pay towards the house? I would take advice on any legal issues to do with his contributing to the mortgage etc. Can he buy out half of your equity and then pay half of mortgage?

Flexiblefriend · 27/02/2014 09:48

There is no way we can know what his motives are from your OP, but if you think that is the case it is not a good sign for the relationship. I am also concerned that he has described you as insane. Does he usually say things like that?

FWIW DH and I were in a similar position in reverse (I had the small rented flat) when we got together, although we couldn't afford to buy anything together, so it was the natural step that I moved into his house. 10 years later we are still here, and happily married.

Crowler · 27/02/2014 09:49

I can't judge this without more context. The fact that you think this doesn't bode well.

RubyGoat · 27/02/2014 09:50

Why are you thinking of moving in together when you clearly don't trust each other?

PoorOldCat · 27/02/2014 10:04

Don't get pregnant.

AMumInScotland · 27/02/2014 10:23

If you think that, then your relationship has problems.

If he talks to you like that, instead of explaining his reasoning, then your relationship has problems.

As others have said - don't move in together, don't have children together.

Have a think about why you want to be in a 'relationship' with someone who you have such significant doubts about. Is he really better than being single?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/02/2014 10:25

Don't move in with someone who thinks you are insane and accuses you of overreacting if you won't do what he wants.

That's not going to end well for you.

Goblinchild · 27/02/2014 10:29

So, universal confusion as to why you want to share a home with this man.
This dismissive, rude man with lots of stuff who will take over your home and tell you you are unbalanced.
How old are your children? Are they ready to move out?

Sallyingforth · 27/02/2014 10:45

You are not suited to living together. Either treat him as FBW or end it.

SnackFishing · 27/02/2014 11:04

His motives may be innocent. He probably doesn't see his stuff as a problem (because to him it is HIS stuff, while to you it might like a load of old junk that has to be fitted in somewhere!) and thinks you will all fit in your house just fine (I would cheerfully set a match to lots of my DH's things, and expect he feels the same about some of mine!) Perhaps he thinks moving will be a major hassle you could all do without.

However, I would agree with you that you need somewhere bigger and would not let him move in to yours. And definitely don't get pregnant!

FlippingWhatsername · 27/02/2014 11:11

Keep your precious house and get another partner who is richer than you so you can be after their money/house which is why you think everyone else is mercenary sure they are above being "after your house".

Honestly now you've told someone you think they're after your stuff, you may as well make a clean break of it, because if it isn't true you just expressed a pretty much contemptuous level of disrespect and mistrust for them.

Dinosaursareextinct · 27/02/2014 11:11

There is a huge difference between buying a house with someone and simply moving into their place with no real commitments. He probably isn't ready for a big commitment. That may or may not be a problem - perhaps you would like to see how living together works out before you sell your house and buy a new one with this man, which it would be far more difficult for you to extricate yourself from if things don't work out.

trampstamp · 27/02/2014 12:30

I think this relationship is doomed

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2014 12:33

If he's willing to pay his way in your house, what's wrong with that?

Fairylea · 27/02/2014 12:36

I don't really see the issue... He wants to move into yours because it's easier, you don't have to put him on the deeds so he won't have a right to it unless you marry and he can pay towards the bills. To me that seems like a good way to test the waters before making a larger commitment of buying together. Seems sensible to me especially where dc are involved.

You don't seem to like him very much.

I moved dh into my mortgage free home and had a dd from a previous relationship. Years on we have remortgaged (used cash to extend etc) and he is paying for the mortgage while I am sahm and house is in both our names so it's worked for us.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2014 12:39

Don't even move in with him! I would seriously start thinking about your relationship

HearMyRoar · 27/02/2014 12:42

He may be perfectly nice and genuinely just think your place is fine and moving in there will not only be less effort for everyone but much cheaper. He might also feel that you would regret moving out of your house and not want to uproot you when he doesn't think there is a need.

On the other hand he could be a gold-digging cocklodger. Who can say?

One thing is for sure though, if you don't believe his motives are honourable at this stage in your relationship then it really doesn't matter what they are because your relationship is buggered without some basic trust.

JamNan · 27/02/2014 12:48

OP Your alarm bell has gone off. Listen to it! Your instinct is right.

LouiseAderyn · 27/02/2014 15:15

I know it works out for a lot of people but I would be wary of moving someone into my house if I had children. I would get legal advice first to find out the best way of guarding against him trying to claim rights, if you split. The priority must be safeguarding the children's security.

Original poster

AlbertsJoy · 27/02/2014 17:29

Thanks for your comments everyone. My ds's are late teens/early 20's. He has his good points obviously, or I wouldn't have given him three precious years of my life! He has said he is worried what would happen if we rented a bigger house and he got ill and couldn't work (he's self-employed), I only work part-time.

Rents where I live are around £1300pcm for the size of house we need. My argument is that his rent is £800, my mortgage is £650, we pay bills at each property, but spend much of each week in one or other properties, we'll be quids in if we get a place together, as I can rent mine for £1100+, giving us £450 towards the rent. The figures clearly stack up, I just can't understand his reluctance to rent. I know what most of you are saying is right. Just can't bear to think I've been "had over" to this extent.

OP posts:

Melonbreath · 27/02/2014 17:59

Depends whether he's under the impression that if he's in your house he doesn't pay the bills whereas if you rented together it would be split.
If it's the former he is a cocklodger and should get marching orders

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/02/2014 18:05

I think he's being sensible after your last post. What happens if you had a break between tennants or they decide not to pay. On your salary can you meet half the new rent, your mortgage plus your share of bills for yourself and your children?

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