To feel that dp only wants me for my house??

[AlbertsJoy]

I'll try to make this brief - been with dp for 3 years, we live apart, though have talked about getting a place together for almost 2 years. He rents a tiny flat, I own a small house. He has loads of stuff so I don't see how I'm going to fit it all in my house. We've talked about renting mine out and getting something big enough for us all (I have 3 ds). I've lived on the property websites for weeks, we've viewed some, he always finds a reason not to like the properties I've found and says he should move into mine cause its easier.....
I cant help thinking he just wants to get his foot in the door?? AIBU?? He says Im over-reacting and boderline insane!!! Opinions appreciated.........

[AlbertsJoy]

I'm not sure how the bills would be split as we've not really discussed it yet. He's not mean with money really, he pays when we go out socially. I buy the odd drink/meal. I've been quite down lately and asked him this morning to come over this evening (we have regular nights to see each other, Wed/Fri/Sat/Sun mainly). He got very tetchy, and said "what so we can both sit in depressed together?" So I said don't bother then. He'll probably sulk cause I asked and he didn't want to come over. We live 15 mins drive apart. I know - he's an arse......

[AgathaF]

I know - he's an arse......

So, you know this. Why do you want to be with him? Do you see a happy and close relationship with this man in 10 or 20 years time?

Think carefully about your reasons for moving in together.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Is a lot of his stuff related to being self employed? Could he rent storage unit/small office/space to store it all?

[FarFromTheMaddingCrowd]

Re: renting our your house. You should be aware of the following:

You will need permission from your mortgage lender and they may increase your interest rate for the privilege.

Once you rent your home out it becomes a business. The rent you receive becomes "income" and will need to be reported to HMRC and will be taxed accordingly. There are certain deductions you can make to lower any tax due, but you CANNOT deduct your full mortgage payment. You can only deduct the interest.

Do your sums carefully to ensure that you are not out of pocket.

Also, you said DP was concerned about renting a larger property as he is self employed and had concerns about paying the rent should he become unemployed. How would he fund himself if he became unemployed but still lived in his flat and why would this not apply if he rented with you?

[Kittymautz]

Hi, I'm a long-time MN lurker, and decided to register today so I could tell the OP that her sums weren't correct as she had forgotten about income tax. By the time I had registered, Farfrom had posted the helpful post above saying more or less what I wanted to say!

A friend of mine found herself out of pocket when she had to pay 40% tax on the rent on her rented out flat - the rent after tax didn't cover her mortgage, so she ended up having to sell.

[NewNameForSpring]

Personally if I owned a property I wouldn't leave it to rent. Why not just carry on as you are?

[velvetspoon]

Don't move him in with you under any circs - frankly anyone who does is a mug. In a couple of years I will own my house outright, I have no intention of ever allowing a man to live with me. Far easier to rent out our own properties and rent (and possibly ultimately buy, all being well) somewhere jointly.

OP, it would be hard work to get him out of your home once he's moved in if it goes wrong. Plus why is he only renting? Single man, no dependents (I assume) - why hasn't he bought before now? And the job thing is a red herring, he pays his rent now and is self employed, so what would change if he lived with you?

[AlbertsJoy]

I've rented out a property before so know about the procedure, but thanks for the info anyway Far. And I said as much to him yesterday re paying his current rent/bills if he short of work/ill etc. Maybe he just has cold feet and is making excuses, time will tell I suppose. I'm not a fool and have an eye on the whole situation, just helps a lot to have others views and opinions about things. Sometimes I get paranoid and can't see things clearly, old hurts from the past creep into my mind.

[LessMissAbs]

I don't know whether he is after your house, but his lack of aspiration and motivation in finding somewhere better for you both to live, which is not provided solely by you, would be a red flag for me.

[Dinosaursareextinct]

Why not let him move in and charge him rent. This will be a lot less than he currently pays but will put you in a better position too. A lot less hassle than letting out your house and renting yourselves. Sounds as though your children will be leaving home soon anyway?

[Sneezecakesmum]

If you do decide to buy a house together or entangle your finances seek legal advice.

It can be written into the buying of a house together that you have put down (eg) a 70% share and him 30%. When it's sold you will get your share back. Always keep financial records of who pays what as this can also affect any division of property.

DONT GET MARRIED. At least until prenups become official which looks like its on the cards.

[fancyanotherfez]

If you really think he just wants your house rent free, then your relationship has bigger problems than you and him moving in together. FWIW, whether you have been 'had' by him or whether he is innocently just thinking it would be easier to live in your house is irrelevant. You think this of him and you think he's an arse. Don't move in with him! And why, if you feel you have wasted 3 years of your life with him would you want to add more years instead of just cutting your losses?

[Sneezecakesmum]

Even renting him out part of your house is fraught with difficulty if you are in a relationship. It has to be real life renting or else he can say he has contributed towards the mortgage, which will give him a foot in the door.

Legal advice before anything, please!

[JackNoneReacher]

Humour him. Say you're considering having him move in to your place and how does he think the mortgage and bills should be split.

Might give you a better idea of what he's looking for.

[WooWooOwl]

If he wants to move in, he knows you're uncertain, and he hasn't cited the amount of money you would save by him contributing to bills and the mortgage payments, then there's definitely something dodgy.

It sounds like he just wants to save himself his rent money, otherwise he would already have told you what he would contribute. The fact that you haven't had this conversation rings massive alarm bells.

Trust your instinct and don't let him move in.

[Viviennemary]

The very fact you have this feeling is a kind of red flag. From what you've said I wouldn't be keen to let him move in. It would be a lot better for him but I can't really see any practical advantages for you and your DC's. Only disadvantages. No I wouldn't tbh.

[AlbertsJoy]

Yes, I think I must listen to my instincts. I am being cautious as if I'd agreed he would have moved in after about a year. He did hint but I said there wasn't room and we should look for a bigger place, thus another couple of years have passed! He never mentions who will pay what, but when we go on holiday I tend to pay for accommodation and he pays for nights out etc. It kind of works ok, but getting a place is way more complicated obviously. Think I'll just stall things for a few months and see if he makes any effort to talk about how things will be, and get legal advice as suggested.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

old hurts from the past creep into my mind.

that's called experience and we should all learn from it

[theywillgrowup]

im also morgage free and my longterm ex patner tried every trick in the book to move in

he was an arse and when i finally caught him cheating AGAIN i finished it

so glad i didnt let him move in,and seriously cant see me living with anybody in the future

op i had many doubts about him and it scared me the thought of him moving in when i had my independence and security to loose and the state of our relationship

if he is an arse re think your whole reationship,you have much to loose

[foreverondiet]

I would say better for him to put his non essential stuff into self storage, or rent office space (if he currently works from home) and move into yours initially due to hassle of renting out house, risks of tenancy gaps and also tax leakage (ie can only offset mortgage interest not the repayment, but have to pay rent). If it works out then sell house and buy together. So if you get £1100 in rent, you might end up losing around £300 as income tax. This might also affect child benefits if it takes you over the 40% tax band.

Before he moves in agree a sensible amount that he has to contribute - basically he shouldn't be any better off by living with you - should contribute equal to amount of his rent / bills before but maybe some of his "saving" can be put aside for a future move? If he won't agree for the move to be financially neutral for him then don't let him move in.

[bedouincheek]

yes forever, good advice. Just to mention nowadays 20 somethings and unders just don't really have the means to move out that soon. You might be blessed with a full house for quite some time. Make sure he understands that the bills aren't suddenly going to nosedive any time soon.

[Balistapus]

Sounds to me like he wants the security of a mortgaged property rather than the risk of renting a larger place together. Plus it will cost him less to share costs in your house than in the larger rented property.
That kind if attitude really annoys me. He doesn't want to take any risk himself, but wants the benefit if someone else having taken the risk - you, when you took out your mortgage.
As others have said, even if he's self employed he could have got a mortgage - I did - you just need 3 years of accounts.
As for him not caring to come over when you were depressed, well this alone makes me think he's a kn

[Balistapus]

ob

[AMumInScotland]

To me, the biggest part of all this isn't the practicalities, it's the fact that after 3 years in a relationship with this man, you really don't trust him.

That's not a good situation to be in, and not a good starting point for living together, whether in your house or somewhere else, rented or mortgaged.

You are a grown-up, with experience of life. Unless you spend your entire time paranoid about everything and everyone, then I think you have to pay attention to your gut feeling that this is not a positive move, and avoid it.

Up to you if you get enough out of the 'living separately' relationship to continue it on that basis, but if you do then I think you need to be clear with him about that. "This is nice, it works for me, I don't see us living together. Do you reckon we can be okay like that?" If he can't then, fwiw, I'd sooner split up than have him move in.