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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a twat?

47 replies

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 00:56

I'm friends with all my exes. Most is just a passing friendship but 2 are a lot more significant.

One I used to live with. We're in the same field and our paths cross a lot due to that. We sometimes message through Facebook. Not a lot - maybe every 3 months on average but sometimes he may pass comment on me looking good or something. Nothing too flirtatious.

The other one is the one I lost my virginity to 27 years ago. He was a crap boyfriend but he's always been a great friend. We've been friends such a long time. He's been there for my throughout some particularly traumatic times. As I have been for him. We don't have a huge amount of contact but we would both describe each other as our best friend nonetheless.

The reason for this post is that tonight my friend needed me and so I insisted he came over. Husband now not speaking to me.

I've known friend (ex) for 27 years. Husband not as long - only 8 years. Many of which have been flaky if I'm honest.

Please tell me honestly. Is it not ok to be friends with ex partners,

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 01:00

Just to add - the reason I mentioned the first ex is that my husband doesn't like me being friends with him either.

OP posts:
HadABadDay2014 · 24/02/2014 01:00

I firmly believe that with out trust there can be no relationship.

How I read it is that he don't trust you or he is insecure.

If he is insecure than that is his problem not yours.

Lucyccfc · 24/02/2014 01:00

I wouldn't have an issue with it, but then I'm not the jealous, insecure or bunny-boiler type.

There will be lots on here who will disagree though.

Original poster
fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 01:05

So, just to clarify, would you be ok with your partner being friends with an ex? I know I'm not doing anything wrong but I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much really. Especially with me being friends with all of them. I feel as though he expects me to dislike them. But all my exes are nice. I wouldn't have gone out with them otherwise would I?

OP posts:
HadABadDay2014 · 24/02/2014 01:09

I trust DH, I will never control what friends he has, even if they was an ex.

Original poster
fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 01:14

He undoubtedly doesn't trust me "hadabadday". That is without doubt. What I'm wondering though is I'm being unreasonable in expecting trust in this situation? I've seen a lot of posts on here from a woman's point of view where the consensus seems to be that men and women can't have a platonic relationship.

OP posts:
Bearandcub · 24/02/2014 01:16

I think people should be friends with whoever they want. Are you just friends though OP? Your earlier post known friend for 27yrs vs husband for 8, some flaky makes it seem quite competitive. Is there a competition for the same emotions from your friend and your husband?

Hope that makes sense - sleep addled.

HadABadDay2014 · 24/02/2014 01:18

You could meet a man at any time, in tesco or even a pub or club, how does he react when you go out with out him.

Doesn't he realise these friends are exp for a reason and that you married him.

Bearandcub · 24/02/2014 01:20

To answer your earlier question: no I am not friends with all my exes nor is my DP and yes I think we would both struggle with this level of shared intimacy in a friendship.

Jolleigh · 24/02/2014 01:21

For me, it depends on how said ex behaves. Both me and DP have exes as friends as we trust each other. But that trust doesn't mean we're happy knowing an ex is throwing themselves at one of us every time we speak, so there's one of his exes I have particular issues with and I've cut one of mine out of my life because his behaviour made my DP uncomfortable.

Not all exes are equal and trusting your OH doesn't mean you have to be happy with how familiar the ex is.

LouiseAderyn · 24/02/2014 01:26

Truthfully, I would feel uncomfortable if my dh was friends with an ex and the odd flirtatious comment passed between them. It would make me feel a bitHmm - like he was keeping his options open or something.

I also wouldn't be keen on having the ex in my house.

That said, you can't give up genuine friendships because your h doesn't like it, if you are absolutely honest about there being no residual romantic feeling left. Only you can really say.

If your marriage isn't great, then it's possible your h feels you are worrying about your friends problems when you might be better focusing on your own.

PorkPieandPickle · 24/02/2014 01:29

I am very close to one of my ex's (lived together for 5 years). We are totally incompatible as a couple, but have the most amazing friendship. DH is absolutely fine with it. My ex was at our wedding, DH mentioned him in his speech, and bought him a present for being such a wonderful friend to me. If DH couldn't accept my friendships (whatever their origin) then I don't think I would have married him, as he wouldn't be my calm, confident and trusting DH.

My point being that your OH should know that there is nothing wrong with this friendship if there is nothing with this friendship, and nothing wrong with your relationship. The fact that there is a problem means that either your relationship or your friendship has a problem.

Jolleigh · 24/02/2014 01:37

One thing to add OP - I get a slight impression that you think more of the ex than you do of your DH (I know it's not the impression you're trying to give). I think it's the bit where you say you've known ex 27 years and DH just 8, some of which flakey. It shouldn't matter how few years you've known your DH and it certainly shouldn't matter if some years with him haven't been great. This kind of comparison between your ex and your DH could easily be what's making him so uncomfortable.

ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 01:43

It's probably good that you're keeping your options open if your 8 years have been flaky.

Original poster
fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 01:45

Bearcub - I suppose the reason I said "I've known my friend 27 and my husband 8" is that actually yes, I suppose I am placing my friend above my husband. That was really perceptive of you really - more perceptive than I've been! And some of the times my friend has been there for me have been times when quite frankly my husband wasn't. Food for thought.

OP posts:
ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 01:48

Just to clarify, I do not keep any relationships with exes, but if I did the moment my spouse felt uncomfortable about it would be the moment I eased up on the gas.

Yes it's not something you should ever ask of your OH but just as importantly nor should you be put in the positiong where you feel like you might have to.

ComposHat · 24/02/2014 01:49

I think YANBU.

My wife is friends wih her ex partner. I see that as a healthy and a testament to her that he still values her friendship despite no longer being in a relationship with her. I would be rather more worried if he hated her guts and never wanted to speak to her again

I think your husband is being a massive controlling dick over this.

Jolleigh · 24/02/2014 01:50

Based on that admission, I have to say I don't blame your DH. It's probably really obvious. Poor bloke.

lunar1 · 24/02/2014 01:50

Yes you are being a twat. My husband an I are friends with his ex wife. It doesn't bother me because he doesn't use a ranking system of years he has known us or call me flakey.

If you have problems in your marriage, resolve them without comparing to your ex.

Original poster
fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 01:51

No it's absolutely not a case of "keeping my options open". There's no romantic thought with any of my exesat all. It's more that I'm thinking that my marriage may well not last as long as my friendships. Whether that be my male or female friends.

OP posts:
ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 01:51

I think on balance after the eay you worded your last comment YABAT perhaps just a smidge.

MyPrettyToes · 24/02/2014 01:52

From what you have said it seems your husband doesn't quite compare to your ex. No wonder he feels insecure.

If my husband compared me unfavourably the way you have your husband, I would not want to be married to him. I also cannot imagine ever comparing my DH to an ex like that. I respect him and like him far too much.

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/02/2014 02:01

"I'm friends with all my exes" You have never had an acrimonious or troubled break-up, OP? That's got to be highly unusual.
Why (and how) did you split-up with all these exes, then? Obviously amicably enough in every case to remain friends and, in two cases, to remain in significantly close friendships.

You mention that although one of these (the less important of these two close friends?) does pass comment on you, this is "Nothing too flirtatious." Do you mean by that, that it's a 'bit' flirtatious, then?

The other friend you're closest to of all. Your 'best' friend. There for each other through thick and thin (is the impression you give me), which is a great sort of a friend to have and (in a secure relationship) shouldn't bother your DH at all.

I would, however, totally disagree that, if your DH is insecure, then that is his problem. To me, security in a relationship should be built by two people.

I also find your (almost) last sentence a bit odd. When you say "I've known friend (ex) for 27 years. Husband not as long - only 8 years. Many of which have been flaky if I'm honest" it sounds like not only do you value your friend above your DH, but almost that you consider your DH to be stepping out of line from his (lower) place in the friendship 'pecking order'.

It's really hard to be sure without knowing more, but I am left wondering 'Does your DH have a valid point'?'

ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 02:02

Yeah. You expect your friendship to last longer than marriage? Putting your male friend before DH?

I would have LTB'd by now.

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/02/2014 02:02

I see I've cross-posted. I'm now feeling rather sorry for your husband, OP.