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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being a twat?

47 replies

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 00:56

I'm friends with all my exes. Most is just a passing friendship but 2 are a lot more significant.

One I used to live with. We're in the same field and our paths cross a lot due to that. We sometimes message through Facebook. Not a lot - maybe every 3 months on average but sometimes he may pass comment on me looking good or something. Nothing too flirtatious.

The other one is the one I lost my virginity to 27 years ago. He was a crap boyfriend but he's always been a great friend. We've been friends such a long time. He's been there for my throughout some particularly traumatic times. As I have been for him. We don't have a huge amount of contact but we would both describe each other as our best friend nonetheless.

The reason for this post is that tonight my friend needed me and so I insisted he came over. Husband now not speaking to me.

I've known friend (ex) for 27 years. Husband not as long - only 8 years. Many of which have been flaky if I'm honest.

Please tell me honestly. Is it not ok to be friends with ex partners,

OP posts:

Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:03

Lunar - there's no ranking system or comparison. That's a really unfair comment. I was just trying to make the point that my friend had always been there for ne when my husband hadn't. One of those times was when (mine and my husbands) baby died due to premature birth. I was in absolute bits (as you would be). Husband was really bad. Don't want to go into detail but he really was shit. I was in a very bad place and my friend was there for me. We don't see a lot of each other at all. It seems to be there we're just there for each other In extreme situations. I was honestly suicidal at the time.

OP posts:

ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 02:06

Oh dear it gets worse.

MyPrettyToes · 24/02/2014 02:11

So sorry to hear about your baby, but OP, you are comparing them, even in your last post. Every one of your posts has suggested you hold your friendship in higher esteem than your marriage. You may have valid reasons, but the question I have is why are still married to your DH. You seem to have written the marriage off.

Jolleigh · 24/02/2014 02:11

But you did make a comparison on how long you've known each of them. What did that serve? Your DH has no chance of catching up.

I understand that the ex has been there for you, especially during what was such a tragic event. However, you and your DH had to go through it and the ex had a supportive role. It wasn't his child so he is likely to have been more capable of providing you with support at the time.

Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:13

Adish

No I've never had an acrimonious breakup. Yes it probably is unusual but I'm not sure it's necessarily a bad thing. I'm divorced as well. And I'm still friends with him too (and his wife).

I can see that people are saying it's a competition. I guess that's how my husband feels too since it's a recurring comment. And I really do appreciate that insight.

To me though it's no different to a female fiendship. And I guess that's where I've been going wrong really.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 24/02/2014 02:18

I am sorry of my comment was blunt, but comparison comes over in every post, maybe this is how your husband feels as well.

ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 02:20

I think someone has every reason to feel insecure given the info we've seen, and I have no idea about the particulars of what happened during your tragic past, but if this interloper stepped into a situation that it was absolutely vital for you and DH to survive and come through together as a married couple - including the trauma and the psychological crises and heartbreak... I have no idea how a marriage would ever really move on past that, if indeed it could.

The very last person I would be worrying about is Johnny Gooseberry tbh.

Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:22

Mypretty

yes you are probably right. I perhaps do hold this friendship in higher esteem than my marriage. I probably hold my female friendships in higher esteem too if truth be told. I think I have some serious thinking to do.

Thanks. Even to people who gave me the hard word. I wanted honesty which is why I posted here rather than relationships.

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ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 02:23

Good luck. I hope everything turns out alright for you all.

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/02/2014 02:23

"I can see that people are saying it's a competition. I guess that's how my husband feels too since it's a recurring comment."

Does the fact that, in a very short space of time and with basic information, strangers on mumsnet are raising exactly the same objection/comment that your DH has been recurrently raising cause you to reconsider your DH's position on this? Could it be that something you are doing or something about your friendships is causing this competitive element?

"To me though it's no different to a female friendship"

It would be perfectly possible to cause such insecurity and introduce competition in a similar way (albeit possibly without the threat of sexual attraction) by putting (ranking!) a female friend consistently ahead of one's DP.

Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:23

Ahkanka - it's not like that at all. You've got the wrong end of the stick completely.

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Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:29

Adish - yes of course that's what I'm thinking about now. That's why I posed the question in the first place really. And that's why I put the question on aibu.

Things are difficult between us anyway. I don't know if we'll stay married or not to be honest. But I guess that was obvious anyway from my posts.

OP posts:

Jolleigh · 24/02/2014 02:35

OP I wish you all the luck in the world in somehow working out a way for you and your DH to be happy. I agree you have some serious thinking to do and am really pleased that you've taken people's observations on board...I don't think you're a twat, but I do think your DH has reason to be annoyed. It's not really as straight forward as you were originally presenting it to yourself.

Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:49

Thank you Jolleigh. I'm really going to think about what you've said.

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Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 02:52

Thanks adish as well. Harsh words but I need to think about it all.

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/02/2014 02:58

"I don't know if we'll stay married or not to be honest."

I think at the moment, deep down, you probably think you won't. You have already acknowledged that you not only hold these particular friendships in higher esteem than your marriage, but also other friendships too.
That doesn't bode well for a lasting marriage and goes a long way towards accounting for your husband's insecurities.

If you do chose to end your marriage, I think it will be unlikely that you and your husband will remain friends!

However, you have also said that there are some things in this thread that have caused you to think. If you and your husband decide that you are going to try and sort your marriage out, I would suggest that the only way that would have a chance of success is for such close friends to take a serious step back. For a while. At least until you and your husband can present a genuinely united front.

Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 03:13

I appreciate what you're saying. I think I will hold these friendships back as it's clearly causing an issue, but our marital problems run a lot deeper really. It's probably pretty obvious really from what I've posted.

I wanted to go for counselling but my husband didn't. He convinced me we could move forward without it but when I look back at my own posts the bitterness and contempt kinda leaps out at me! The friend situation is very much a side issue really. I probably only see/speak to him on average two or three times a year. The fact is I knew it bothered my husband but Im not sufficiently bothered about it to put him first. And that's a problem!

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Original poster

fairyfuckwings · 24/02/2014 03:17

And I've noticed the phrase "united front" from 2 separate posters. That phrase simply does not resonate with me at all, sadly. We've never been united.

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 24/02/2014 04:23

It seems to me that you've got these exes, these "wonderful people" to run to that you have probably never fully leaned on your husband, or given him the chance to lean on you.

There's always been other people in your relationship.

You BOTH suffered a loss. You dealt with it in different ways and your way was to run to an ex for support. Who did he run to? Did you give him a chance to be there for you? Or was he finding it hard to deal with your grief as well as his own (which happens)?

I suggest you either make an effort in your relationship, or move on. You're not really IN this relationship fully right now anyway it seems.

whatsgoinon · 24/02/2014 04:36

I think Yanbu, i suspect with different friends he has different problems and it doesn't seem wise to isolate yourself more if yourself marriage is rocky

How many chances did you give him before you looked elsewhere? if married for 8 years quite a few?

whatsgoinon · 24/02/2014 04:37

I mean looked for support . . .

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/02/2014 11:06

This
"And I've noticed the phrase "united front" from 2 separate posters. That phrase simply does not resonate with me at all, sadly."

then this

"We've never been united."

Never?!? Why on earth did you and he marry then, fairy? Why on earth (and I am so sorry for both of you for the tragic loss of your baby) were you willing to have a child together?

Can I ask why you and your Ex husband split up and how long that was before you married your DH? Have you remained friends with your Ex husband, in the way you have with your two other significant Exes?

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