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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this lift

47 replies

buttercup12 · 21/02/2014 23:50

DP and I recently moved in with his parents. It's in the home counties and we used to live in London. Tonight I went out with an old friend in London who lives in a different home counties kind of place. DP was due to pick me up at 11 but friend misread her train time and would have been stuck somewhere she doesn't know for an hour alone. I said I'd stay with her and catch an hour later train. DP went mad and said that I put my friends first and he had had enough. We hung up on each other and that was it. I'm feeling really upset by the situation, it's not the first time he has said this. I have a great bunch of friends who mean a lot to me but I don't feel like I place them over him. A IBU?

OP posts:

BawbagBiggins · 21/02/2014 23:53

Sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty for going out in the first place.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/02/2014 23:55

Depends if he'd already set off to get you.

How late did you let him know?

nova1111 · 22/02/2014 00:19

TBH if he's shattered or just wanted a beer after a week at work, yes I think it's a bit rubbish to be made to wait another hour. Presumably he gets to pick you up at midnight? He hasn't had much of a night really has he. Can you not get a taxi?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 22/02/2014 00:21

If it was the other way round, would he want you to wait alone? No? Thought not. Sounds pretty selfish of him to me. More importantly, why did you move in with the PILs?!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 22/02/2014 00:36

Why the hell didn't he just come and wait with you?

BakerStreetSaxRift · 22/02/2014 00:36

I agree it's annoying for him, but it's the lesser of two evils because otherwise your friend would be left alone late at night, and I'm sure he wouldn't want someone to do that to you.

So he is BU.

SoldAtAuction · 22/02/2014 00:42

I agree with with Ilovemydog.
If he had met you, he could have waited with the pair of you.
I know my DH wouldn't want someone lefton their own in the middle of the night!

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2014 00:44

It is quite late at night so he might have reason to be a bit fucked off and just snapping at you.

But more likely he's stressed out because he's living with his parents (I'm sure they're lovely)

Just ride it out, he's venting and you're doing the right thing, agree with Wibbly that he'd want her to look out for you.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2014 00:44

And with what Wibbly said about telling us more about why the PIL move!

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2014 00:47

I assume he didn't come too because he is giving OP a lift at the end of the train ride. Why would he park, get on a train, wait, get on another train, then drive home?

Anyway, an extra hour waiting would hack me off a little but better than the alternative. Have you or the friend got form for being forgetful, late and irritating?

VulvaBeaker · 22/02/2014 01:59

It's late on a Friday and you've got him driving around after a week's work so you can be on the razz, shout at him back when pissing him about by an extra hour provokes the obvious (and frankly understandable) huffy response, and this isn't the first time he has felt you have put your friends first (do you habitually piss him about when he's knackered himself?)

Slight apology when sober I think, and hopefully job done.

fivefourtime · 22/02/2014 03:15

What's the history here? This wouldn't happen without some sort of previous.

wowfudge · 22/02/2014 05:10

I can both sides to this but tbh I wouldn't expect DP to pick me up on any evening - I'd get a taxi or walk from our local station, depending what time it was, whether it was dark, etc.

DP used to ask me to give him a lift early on a Monday morning and after a couple of times I asked him to make his own arrangements as it was just too early for me and took half an hour off my wake up properly and get ready time.

It's nice to offer to pick each other up every now and again, but I wouldn't do it to him on a Friday night!

Original poster

buttercup12 · 22/02/2014 07:37

Got home and fell asleep! We still have not spoken.
He was supposed to pick me up at a little station not even ten minutes away. So he was still at least 40 mins from leaving. I honestly would not have minded getting a cab it was just the horrible, shouty tone of his voice that upset me. It's happened a few times now and it's embarrassing if my friends hear and the juxtaposition of this lovely evening and this grumpy partner feels horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

buttercup12 · 22/02/2014 07:50

The previous history is that I go out with my friends a lot more than he does. He is not as sociable as me. At best he is amused and bewildered why I like to go out so much (which out of a 10 day half term was one hen do and two boozy dinners without him and one trip to the theatre with him). At worst, often after I get in, which is never later than the last train he is rude and sulky and accuses me of being selfish and keeping him awake.
We have moved to his parents between giving up our rented flat and buying a house. It's in a far more remote area than I have ever lived. The train last night was nearly empty and the station almost all locked up. The cab cost £17 because it was from the premier car company as all other cabs were booked out.
I have tried to adapt how I behave with things like this. I creep in at night, get ready for bed in the dark and don't speak. The phone calls last night gave him loads of warning, sounded sober and rationally laid out what I would do including the cab offer. I can't see how I could have done it better. I wasn't going to leave my friend alone especially if our next trains were close together.

OP posts:

ballstoit · 22/02/2014 07:57

This is not going to get any better. Tbh, if this is a regular thing, I'd be questioning the decision to buy a house together. Do you want to have your activities questioned, policed and criticised for the rest of your life?

IglooisnowinSheffield · 22/02/2014 08:40

Are you living with PIL while saving a deposit?

BakerStreetSaxRift · 22/02/2014 08:42

Hmmm, I don't like the sound of this guy, OP

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/02/2014 08:43

Do not buy a house with this man. If he reacts this badly to that news, just wait until you have a house together. It will not end well.

Original poster

buttercup12 · 22/02/2014 10:29

We've talked. Apparently I made a choice between him and my friend and I clearly chose her. Not clear to me at all. He was in bed and she would have had to sit at a bar alone. Apparently I always put friends first and he feels unloved and in appreciated.
The living with parents thing is to add to our deposit and because the owners of the place we want to but haven't found anywhere yet. It is not helping sex life has gone down the drain and his parents haven't got the happiest marriage.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/02/2014 10:35

Ditch him.

Move back to London.

Enjoy your friendships.

Job done.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2014 11:43

Why ditch someone when all they've done is say how they feel? I hope DH wouldn't do that to me if I told him those things, I would hope he thought more about me and would care I felt that.

You have to take him seriously if he's saying them, they're pretty important.

Where you are can't be helping either OP, I don't blame you wanting to escape it as often as you can.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2014 11:48

OP, wouldn't you rather be living back in London with your lovely friends rather than in the middle of nowhere with your twat of a boyfriend and his warring parents?

Use that money you've saved to get back to where you'll be happiest. If I were you I'd be packing today!

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2014 11:49

Also, the fact he would prefer you to leave a woman on her own for an hour late at night is really horrible. His sulking is horrible. Your lifestyles are incompatible. Leave him!

pinkdelight · 22/02/2014 11:55

Just regarding last night I think YABU to expect him not to be miffed. I don't see what's so bad about your mate sitting at a bar on her own for an hour. Big deal. Done it plenty of times. Not like she had to hang out in murderers' alley. And 11 o'clock is late enough for someone to be giving you a lift. He's not your dad. You should've just told him to go to bed and you'd get a cab, if you really wanted to stay out with your mate. But maybe he'd been looking forward to you coming back and was upset you didn't feel the same. Lots of blokes go out less than their girlfriends when they've settled down. It's not a dealbreaker. Think it's just a communication thing. If you want the freedom to do as you choose, don't involve him in giving you lifts as it will pin you down and mess him about.

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