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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this lift

47 replies

buttercup12 · 21/02/2014 23:50

DP and I recently moved in with his parents. It's in the home counties and we used to live in London. Tonight I went out with an old friend in London who lives in a different home counties kind of place. DP was due to pick me up at 11 but friend misread her train time and would have been stuck somewhere she doesn't know for an hour alone. I said I'd stay with her and catch an hour later train. DP went mad and said that I put my friends first and he had had enough. We hung up on each other and that was it. I'm feeling really upset by the situation, it's not the first time he has said this. I have a great bunch of friends who mean a lot to me but I don't feel like I place them over him. A IBU?

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 22/02/2014 11:58

Red flags regarding how he thinks you should be treating him, he feels unloved and unappreciated, is he suggesting you should stop seeing them?

You say you've adapted your behaviour when you come in at night because he sulks and accuses you of selfishness.

He sounds like hard work.

HadABadDay2014 · 22/02/2014 12:05

Do you do this regular, come home later than you say you are.

sarahandmallard · 22/02/2014 12:10

I agree with him - first you said your friend would be all alone and I pictured a rough neighbourhood an an empty station. But then you added she'd be at the bar on her own. WTF, she can't manage to sit by herself for an hour? Sounds like you cared more about your friend being on her own for a WHOLE hour, than your boyfriend having to stay up another hour just to come pick you up. Your friend should have given you the 17 pound taxi fare if she was so desperate for you to keep her company.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2014 12:11

Even though I've said he's reasonable to say what he's thinking I can see how it all might add up to him doing it to be controlling.

It depends on what he's like normally and how much the situation he's in has affected him.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 12:12

Unless there is more to this I can see his point. He is saying that the woman could have waited in the bar for an hour on her own. I don't see the problem with that, plenty of women do that, away on business or just killing time, perfectly safely.

It would be different if she was standing on a deserted railway platform but you say she wasn't. Also, if you had not been there, if you had not gone on that particular night out, she would have had to wait on her own so whilst it was kind of you to offer, it does not sound necessary to the safety and wellbeing of your friend.

The other thing is that you made this arrangement with your friend before asking if it was ok with him to come out an hour later than arranged to pick you up. That is bad manners. It would have been better to phone him and say don't worry about picking me up, I'm going to get a taxi as I'll be an hour later than planned.

Then, if he wanted to, he could have offered to collect you anyway and, if not, he could have got off to bed, or watched tv, or whatever it was that he wanted to do that evening.

Finally, if he is telling you that he feels you put your friends before him, listen to him. Talk about it and find out how you could both work together to make this easier for everyone.

Pigsmummy · 22/02/2014 12:23

Move into a a flat share with lovely friends back in London. Don't look back, you two are not socially comparable and this will get worse,

Original poster

buttercup12 · 22/02/2014 13:06

This was a meet up with a friend who I see once or twice a year as she lives abroad. She was miles away from where she was staying, I would have felt really bad leaving her. I offered to get a cab straight away.

I am taking on board how he feels even though I hate how he expresses it. I love him, he loves me. We may not be showing it in the best way at the moment, but it is worth working on. All the comments both the YABU and YANBU ones have given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2014 13:14

You can love someone but still not want to live the life they want to live, OP.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 13:17

If you are unhappy with him you can leave. No one needs to give you permission to do that.

But if you do want to stay with him you both need a proper discussion about how you communicate. If he continues to express his feelings inappropriately then you will probably never be happy with him.

petalsandstars · 22/02/2014 13:20

Seriously think about buying with him, this is (I assume) only a few years into the relationship and you have different social life styles which from experience I say may not work out well in the future. He got arsey about you putting your friend first, call me pathetic if you like byt I wouldn't want to have a lovely night out then sit alone in a bar for an hour. You said he didn't have to pick you up straight away and offered to get a taxi instead, I see nothing wrong in your actions at all.

Is he the type to want numerous texts / calls when you're out and he's at home? Or a defined time you will be back?

wowfudge · 22/02/2014 13:21

Some really harsh comments about your DP here OP. Depends what time you rang him and what you said IMHO. If you rang him shortly before he would have been setting out to pick you up and asked/told him to pick you up an hour later I can see he would have been annoyed, especially if he wanted to see you.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 22/02/2014 13:21

The fact he would have preferred you leave you friend on her own, late at night possibly in a place she doesn't know tells me all I need to know about him.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 13:26

She rang him 40 minutes before he would have had to leave the house fudge.

DP went mad and said that I put my friends first and he had had enough.

See, this is the bit I don't get. If you rang and said, don't worry about picking me up, I'll get a taxi, why would he go mad? He would just say, ok thanks for letting me know.

I think you firstly asked him to pick you up an hour later. Then, after an argument, you said you'd get a taxi.

Inertia · 22/02/2014 13:30

Erm, this isn't going to get any better. He's trying to control you already, by dictating when you can go out and trying to cut you off from friends. Big red flags.

HadABadDay2014 · 22/02/2014 13:35

What about op safety. I doubt that both train would have left the same time. Would the op have been alone in the train station. I know my DH would have been worried about me.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2014 13:37

It wasn't that he was worried about her, though, was it? It was that he felt she was prioritising a friend she sees a couple of times a year over him.

SaucyJack · 22/02/2014 13:46

Why can't either your friend wait by herself, or you get yourself home?

You're both grown women, non?

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2014 13:58

Non?

Why should the OP be dancing to the tune of her boyfriend? She decided to stay later, told him and offered to take a taxi. He preferred to give her the lift and sulk.

BackforGood · 22/02/2014 14:09

As a 'one off' then I can see it was the right thing to stay with your friend, but if he is picking you up from the station, late at night, 3 times in 10 days, then I can see it would be a bit wearing, and also, presumably disturbing for his parents who are kindly putting you up while you are in between houses. Why not stay over at a friend's occasionally, or make the decision that, for the time you are staying at his parents, you might have to curtail the late nights a bit as it's not as easy to slip in quietly on your own late at night. It's about considering other people really. It can't be easy to be sharing his parents house, but ultimately you are their guests for a few weeks or months and need to take that into account.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 14:12

OP did you say how long you have been together? Sorry if I missed it.

It sounds like you are between houses at the moment so if you did want to separate, now would be good timing in a financial sense. If you go ahead and buy a house together, it will be more difficult it you want to leave at a later stage.

I would say don't rush into anything. Maybe even have a break from each other and flatshare with a friend for a while. You could even use the fact that you don't want to live in ILs as an added reason for moving out 'temporarily', that way you can have some time apart without him 'controlling' you.

flamby · 22/02/2014 17:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable if you offered to get a taxi - he should have asked you to do that if he didn't want to come and get you. If he was tired and wanted to go to bed at 9, I can imagine being a bit annoyed and grumpy about staying up until 10.30 and then being asked to stay up another hour. Not an excuse for shouting, but I can imagine feeling grouchy and irritated.

In general, though, if this is about lifts from the station, it is easily solved - either plan on getting taxis or don't drink and leave the car there so you can drive yourself home.

If the issue is that he sees you seeing your friends regularly and having a few late nights as you choosing them over him, then it is trickier. It could be that he is being controlling/trying to limit your social but alternatively maybe what you see as a free night to go out, he is thinking of as a chance to have a night in together and that is why he is getting upset?

Optimist1 · 22/02/2014 17:53

Was he like this before you moved in with your PILs? I'm wondering whether they are bending his ear about the amount of times you go out without him, how he's acting as a taxi service for you and such like? (Not that I think you're doing anything wrong, but it's possible that they might find it hard to accept that you're entitled to some social life without him.) In which case, you've got a slightly different problem to deal with.

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