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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm on the wrong board, but I could do with the traffic.....

47 replies

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 18:49

DD's best friend. DD has come to me to tell me that she thinks she's being emotionally abused by her parents, and needs some advice, and there is there anything I can do. I'm really stuck.

There are examples;

She drew some beautiful pictures for her bedroom wall, and when she came home, her parents had taken them down and put them in the bin

They constantly tell her she's fat (she's not, but that's kind of irrelevant)

She's not allowed out with the rest of the gang after 7pm, and mostly isn't allowed to go to sleepovers

She's not allowed to revise/do homework until she's done 3 hours of ironing on a Sat and a Sun - and I'm not against making teens do housework, trust me, but they've got gcses in a couple of months

She has chronic back pain, and her parents won't take her to the doctor and she can't go on her own until she's 16

She's depressed, hasn't had a full night's sleep for 3 weeks, and her hair is falling out.

Now. I am quite aware of teenagers propensity for drama - but I don't think this is over-dramatic. Do you? Wtf do I do?

OP posts:
Mishmashfamily · 17/02/2014 18:54

I'm sure some one will be along soon with some good advice.

Could your dd tell her to go to the school councillor? Then it's out of your hands and you won't get blamed for interfering ?

ilovepowerhoop · 17/02/2014 18:55

I am sure she can go to the doctor on her own as underage children are able to get contraception from the doctor without their parents permission

Could she make an appointment and you go along with her? What age is she?

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 18:55

I'd contact the pastoral team at school and pass on what you have been told.

LindyHemming · 17/02/2014 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yama · 17/02/2014 18:56

Your dd could tell someone at school.

MrsHerculePoirot · 17/02/2014 18:56

You could contact the school, they may have worried too and can arrange for her to see a school nurse. This is confidential, like seeing a doctor, and she can get referred on as necessary for support perhaps?

Yama · 17/02/2014 18:57

And yes, teenagers can access healthcare without their parents.

justtoomessy · 17/02/2014 18:57

She can go to the Dr's without her parents as they will just assess her as Gillick (or whatever it is called now) competent. Just tell her to book a Drs appointment and maybe take your DD with her so she can mention stuff.

Her parents sound awful but thats 6 hours of ironing over a weekend how many people live in the house??

namechangesforthehardstuff · 17/02/2014 18:58

This is really a disclosure. She's disclosed to your DD and DD to you. I think you have a duty - as an adult - to report this. If they are at the same school then start with the headteacher? If not then I'm sure someone on here will know but maybe local children's services? Sad

GiniCooper · 17/02/2014 18:58

Do you know the parents at all?

Original poster
TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 18:59

I don't think she'll speak to anyone at school, she doesn't know dd has discussed anything with me. I have offered for her to come and talk to me, and I've also offered to go to the docs with her, but she's really shy. I think if I offered to her she'd be mortified.

I really don't want to interfere. I know her mum and dad a bit, and they just don't seem like they would do this stuff. But something is wrong.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 17/02/2014 18:59

Ask her if she can tell someone at school otherwise you have to. You could take her to the GP? My nanny takes my kids, don't need parental responsibility. Or go on her own.

sadbodyblue · 17/02/2014 18:59

yep agree the school pastoral team. you can't ignore this but obviously your dds friend may be exaggerating.

either way she needs to chat to someone.

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 19:00

Definitely tell the school.

However she CAN go to the doctors at that age and the going out/sleepovers issue is a bit of nothing some parents are supper strict like that. I suppose same with the ironing I have heard of parents whoa re like this.

Are they from a different culture or follow a particular religion very strictly?

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 19:00

I'd be surprised if someone at school hasn't spotted something, tbh. If her hair is falling out it won't be that easy to hide. You should contact the school, they won't go steaming in naming you.

Original poster
TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 19:01

I didn't know about the access to healthcare. I thought they had to be accompanied until they were 16. Right, that's something I can tell dd.

When I offered for her to come and talk to me, dd said bf thinks it's in her head and she's being dramatic. I don't though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 19:02

Honestly, out of the gang of mates that have been together since they were 5, she is the least dramatic. She's not exaggerating, I don't think.

Nope, no different culture or religion. They always seem just like me, but a bit stricter.

OP posts:
GiniCooper · 17/02/2014 19:03

I know you never know what goes on behind closed doors but teenagers can be dramatic too.
The sleepovers and not being allowed out after 7 wouldn't worry me. Sounds sensible enough if overprotective.
The ironing may have been 30 mins but 3 hours sounds better.
She may be stressed over GCSE's and is crying out for pity. They may be putting pressure on to do well.
Hence, stop drawing pictures when you should be studying etc.

Hope you tell school. You should share the information to be sure.

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 19:03

If she does come and talk to you, what are you going to do with the information she discloses? You need to pass this on. School will (sadly) deal with this sort of thing daily.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 17/02/2014 19:19

My parents were like this. Very strict, very controlling. One of the biggest things that helped me was being able to visit other friends' families and see that there were other ways of living. You say she's not allowed out in the evenings. Can she come to you after school, and you help build her selfconfidence and show her a loving and warm home?

phantomnamechanger · 17/02/2014 19:29

OP, I started a very similar thread myself few weeks ago. overwhelming advice was to agree with me that I ought to report concerns (DDs concerns about her 14yo friend) to the school. I did that - they were extremely concerned and grateful to me for having brought it to their attention and I have every confidence it is being dealt with in a professional and thoroughly appropriate manner.

Please report this situation to whoever has pastoral care ie head of year/house etc. This child needs your help.

Original poster
TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 19:35

I'm going to. I'm going to call the school tomorrow. I just don't want her to be unhappy, I feel sorry for her Sad

She's welcome here anytime, but I work full time, and I'm not here after school. In the evenings, she has to be home. Maybe she could come one Saturday or something. I've known her for a long time, she's a good kid.

OP posts:
Original poster
TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 19:35

I didn't know so many people were going to agree that I should report it. I felt like maybe we're all overreacting.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 17/02/2014 19:42

It's not over reacting. OK, some parents are stricter than others and have different rules, and there may be some dramatic embellishing on the amount of ironing to be done and the story about the pictures being binned. On their own those things are not necessarily a cause for concern. But it is not normal or OK for a child to have chronic back pain and their hair falling out and not be taken to see the GP. The school may be privy to other concerns over incidents mentioned that will all form part of a puzzle. THEY have a duty of care to monitor things like this and put the necessary procedures in place. I'm glad you are going to speak to them. well done.

PoloMintCity · 17/02/2014 19:43

Better to report it and it turn out to be nothing than not and the girl still be in that situation. You and your daughter sound lovely Thanks

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