Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I know I'm on the wrong board, but I could do with the traffic.....

47 replies

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 18:49

DD's best friend. DD has come to me to tell me that she thinks she's being emotionally abused by her parents, and needs some advice, and there is there anything I can do. I'm really stuck.

There are examples;

She drew some beautiful pictures for her bedroom wall, and when she came home, her parents had taken them down and put them in the bin

They constantly tell her she's fat (she's not, but that's kind of irrelevant)

She's not allowed out with the rest of the gang after 7pm, and mostly isn't allowed to go to sleepovers

She's not allowed to revise/do homework until she's done 3 hours of ironing on a Sat and a Sun - and I'm not against making teens do housework, trust me, but they've got gcses in a couple of months

She has chronic back pain, and her parents won't take her to the doctor and she can't go on her own until she's 16

She's depressed, hasn't had a full night's sleep for 3 weeks, and her hair is falling out.

Now. I am quite aware of teenagers propensity for drama - but I don't think this is over-dramatic. Do you? Wtf do I do?

OP posts:

velvetspoon · 17/02/2014 19:50

Honestly I don't see anything wrong with her not being allowed out in the evenings (I wasn't as a child/teen) nor in doing ironing - my DC are expected to do daily chores at home which take up to an hour, no different from 2 lots of 3hrs work at weekends really.

I suspect from her parents pov it might all seem rather different.

Original poster

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 20:00

She's 16 in a few weeks velvet. She should be allowed out later than 7pm sometimes.

I expect my dc to help around the house as well, but not to the detriment of studying at this point.

I'd like to know how the parents would explain telling her she's fat all the time

OP posts:

drnoitall · 17/02/2014 20:01

I'm sorry if I've mis understood, but I think you need to be careful before using the word abuse.

A teenagers from a strict family may well feel hard done by, but you only have your dd friend word for the things you mention. Helping out at home isn't abuse, it may have felt like 6 hours, but you don't know the facts.
Not being allowed out or on sleep overs is not abuse.
Agree with everyone else about doctor, did you dd friend tell you she could go?
I would present it to the school in a factual way.

DieDeutschLehrerin · 17/02/2014 20:02

Part of my role before I stopped teaching to have ds was responsibility for coordinating support for any additional needs for my year group. I would have wanted to know about this. Please contact the year team. At my school it would have been easy to organise some support within school the same day and appropriate referrals made from there. It can be treated confidentially and she needn't get in any trouble at home for it. If, on the other hand, it is not all it seems, the school will likely get to the bottom of it.

drnoitall · 17/02/2014 20:03

sorry should be could NOT go

RedundantExpat · 17/02/2014 20:10

If she is not willing to go to anyone at school is there not a UK phone helpline for kids/teenagers to ask advice? that would be more anonymous and she might prefer it.

DieDeutschLehrerin · 17/02/2014 20:11

It's not necessarily the curfew and ironing that's concerning. It's the level of distress that's causing sleep and hair loss that would worry me if she were my pupil.

Original poster

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 20:18

Exactly DieDeutsch. That's what's worrying me. She is distressed, she's worrying and fretting about something, and a lot of what I've been told is a bit of a red herring.

I'm not using the word abuse drnoitall, dd used it. And I know that teens like to overdramatise, that's why I've asked here.

When bf asked her mum to take her to the doctors, her mum allegedly said 'you're not nice to any of us, so why should we be nice to you?'

I'm just a bit concerned. It could be hormones, exam stress, anything really. But I don't want to risk just ignoring it.

OP posts:

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 20:24

I have had 6 girls come to me in tears in the last half-term alone with exam stress. Just in my subject they have 3 separate exams. The modular exams have disappeared but they have kept the exams the same and just lumped them all at the end of the course. It could be this.

If she has told your DD she has asked for help. This is how many teenagers do it. Tell someone who they know will pass it on to someone who can help.

velvetspoon · 17/02/2014 20:34

Personally, I wasn't allowed out after school well past the age of 16 - other than for school events, drama performances and the like. I think there could be many valid reasons why her parents want her at home in the eves.

And sorry, I still think 6 hours of chores in a week isn't unreasonable. My DS is doing his GCSEs this year, he still does his jobs and has plenty of time left to study. Lots of his peers are working or doing sports on one day over the weekend, leaving 1 day to study, which is fine.

Obviously there's something not quite 'right' here, because no teen should be losing hair etc. But exams are stressful for all children, and that stress manifests in different ways... I'm just not comfortable with labelling it abuse (even if that was the OP's DDs label) or assuming the parents are automatically wrong, when some of these things really don't seem at all unreasonable.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 17/02/2014 20:46

Still not sure what the valid reasons for calling her fat and refusing her medical help might be?

Abuse isn't only sexual and physical you know?

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 20:53

I see how much revising is needed for the GCSEs this year. Modular content in a non-modular system. It is a frightening amount. I wouldn't be insisting on 6 hours of ironing from a child trying to do their very best. I made a revision timetable for my students, just for my subject, and they need to revise at least two topics a week for the next 15 weeks just to fit it all in. X that by the 12 other subjects they study, the ironing should take a back seat.

Original poster

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 21:20

Exactly what I think Claudius. I'm all for them pulling their weight, but sometimes you have to prioritise. The ironing can wait.

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 17/02/2014 21:25

Do you know if she is exaggerating also half of it seems reasonable. My dd is 15 I would not let her out once it is dark unless she is at a friends house etc. so if she went to town after school for example I would want her home for 7- 7.30.
Again three hours of chores over a weekend perfectly reasonable.
And like other posters have said of course she can go to the GP on her own. My dd always goes by herself , if it was something serious I would go with her obviously.

Original poster

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 21:27

Oh I agree, I don't let mine wander the streets or anything. I mean she's not allowed round friends houses during the evenings. And if they have a big sleepover, she gets picked up at 10 and isn't allowed to stay.

It's 3 hours of ironing on both Sat and Sun.

I think she's been told by her parents that she's not allowed to go to the docs by herself.

OP posts:

velvetspoon · 17/02/2014 21:27

Most children don't study 12 subjects though! - DS1s school are studying 8 or 9, which seems the norm, certainly in this area. Having just had a meeting with his teachers, their suggestion was revision of up to 2 hours a day, double that at weekends. Leaving plenty of time for other activities.

I suppose of course if this girl is feeling pressure from school/peers to put in considerable amounts of revision that may be contributing to feelings of stress?

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 21:29

No-one on here can know what is really going on in that family. Something is obviously wrong if the girl is losing her hair. Whether this is stress or something more sinister, the school are the people to tell.

ClaudiusGalen · 17/02/2014 21:34

Most of our students do 13 - Eng Lang, Eng Lit, Maths, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Language, RS, Computer Science - everyone does. Then one of History or Geography. Then a choice of 3 from Drama/Music/Business Studies/Art/tech/Media/Health and Social etc.

Bog standard comp.

SoonToBeSix · 17/02/2014 21:44

I see three hours both days is too much. Calling her fat and taking down pictures is awful.
Definitely speak to the school and let them deal with the situation.

Pipbin · 17/02/2014 22:03

I come from a family that on the surface looked lovely. I wasn't required to do chores and my parents had money. I wasn't physically or sexually abused. Everything looked fine. However my mother was just plain horrible to me. If I slept in on a weekend, as teenagers are wont to do, she would leave me notes saying that I was lazy and pathetic. She would tell me that I was fat and no one wants to be friends with a fat girl. She would tell me that I was stupid and even had a £5 bet on me failing my driving test.
At school I was withdrawn and looked ill. I remember spending one whole day crying, yet no teachers asked if I was OK or offered help.
I didn't tell anyone as in those days abuse was being beaten and that wasn't happening.

Please contact the school about this, or even social services, the NSPCC or childline.

Original poster

TalisaMaegyr · 17/02/2014 22:11

I'm going to speak to the school this week. I need to make sure that she's being looked out for, and if it's dramatics or whatever, then no harm done, is there? But no parent should be calling their dc fat, that is abusive.

OP posts:

colafrosties · 18/02/2014 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread