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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow dc1 to do a certain sport?

101 replies

MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 11:07

On one side there is dc1. Bright child, usually good at sports. Things are coming easily to him.
On the other dc2 is 18 months younger and us finding things hard. He has clear social and communication problems and has always felt 'stupid' compare to dc1.

They are both doing some sport activity and I have been careful that they would both do something different in order to boost dc2 self esteem. They both do some lite competition in their own chosen sport.
Except that dc1 has now decided he wants to do the same than dc2, do the competition etc

AIBU to say to dc1 NO and to tell him to stick to his first favoured sport?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 16/02/2014 11:11

Why?

Bornin1984 · 16/02/2014 11:12

What difference does it make

RhondaJean · 16/02/2014 11:13

Eh?

Why not just find something dc2 enjoys and is good at as well
There's a rather horrible message in what you are suggesting but it's sunday morning and I can't be bothered working it out, it sounds so ridiculous to me.

whois · 16/02/2014 11:14

So the younger DC doesn't get overshadowed again by his older sibling joules.

Yeah I think it's fair enough OP if you think the you we one really needs something to call his own to build his confidence.

Bowlersarm · 16/02/2014 11:15

YABU

Why should you determine would sport he should be allowed to do/enjoy?

You are making a favourite of your second child.

Original poster
MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 11:15

Because it will end up again with dc1 and dc2 comparing how well they are doing, competitions against each other and dc2 will again be in a position where he isn't good enough.
The fact that they are 18 months apart won't register and he will loose the one thing where he can feel good about himself and his achievements.

OP posts:
ForgettableTampon · 16/02/2014 11:15

I would say no, too

in fact have done, not about sports but about after-school type stuff (think scouts/air cadets)

the younger sibling can really be in the shadow of the older one

YANBU

RatUpADrainpipe · 16/02/2014 11:17

No - each child unto his own sport.

RedHelenB · 16/02/2014 11:18

YABU - you will do nothing to prepare them for life if you try to shelter them like this. Everyone is unique, you don't need to engineer in this way. And how do you know younger sibling won't be better at this sport in any case?

Original poster
MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 11:19

They both enjoy the sports they are doing atm. I haven't told them what to do and by default dc1 had the opportunity to choose first what sport he wants to do.
I think it's coming down from dc1 feeling somehow jealous of dc2 even though he is doing very well in his own chosen sport and dc2 isn't. He won't get any competition there.

For those who are saying that I make a favourite, what am I suppose to say to dc2? Should I direct him towards so etching else again when he really enjoys the sport he is doing? How can I give him the opportunity to shine in an area if dc1 always butts in takes the line light?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2014 11:21

When I was a teenager, the one and only thing that I did better than my younger dsis, was singing - I had proper lessons, did competitions and sang solos at school - she was far more academic than me, all the teachers sang her praises, and she went to Oxford, whilst I wenttco do my nurse training, because I lacked any self-belief.

When I found out that she had decided to do lots of singing at university, I was so hurt - I felt she had taken away the one 'thing' that was mine. I never told anyone how I was feeling, and told myself it was my problem and I should get over myself - but I can understand why the OP doesn't want her younger dc to feel that his one 'thing' has been taken away from him.

whois · 16/02/2014 11:21

And how do you know younger sibling won't be better at this sport in any case?

Because with an 18 month physical and mental developmental advantage, this is not hugely likley.

AfricanExport · 16/02/2014 11:21

I think that would be wrong. DS2 needs to learn to deal with Disappointment. You need to find things that he is better at to improve his confidence. Not pull others down. Sounds like Labour mentality Sad to me.

Life a bitch and full of disappointments. He needs to learn to deal with that. Not Be pandered to.

AngryGnome · 16/02/2014 11:23

I understand why would want to do this, but how will you explain why dc1 can't do this sport? He will see his younge brother doing it and quite rightly want to know why you won't let him do it. I would be concerned that it would become obvious that you weren't letting him do it because you think he will beat his brother again. Kids pick up on that sort of feeling very easily.

LadyBeagleEyes · 16/02/2014 11:24

I agree with you OP.
Let ds2 have something he can shine in on his own. There's hundreds of sports out there, let ds1 choose one of them.

RhondaJean · 16/02/2014 11:26

I've got it.

The lesson you need to teach ds2 is not to shine, but that to enjoy and to work hard is enough, that he is good enough as he is. It's wrong to teach children they have to be the best. There will always be someone somewhere better.

I do understand sibling rivalry but your sons sound very competitive Mibbe you should try working on that with them?

Joules68 · 16/02/2014 11:27

I'm firmly on the fence with this one!

Original poster
MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 11:28

Just a reminder that dc2 has problems of his own (social and communication problems, probably Asperger and being currently investigated) so it's not as if he doesn't get disappointed sometimes. Actually if anything he us constantly disappointed and has to deal with lots if anxiety. Something his db doesn't have to experience.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 16/02/2014 11:28

Believe me African a child with a social communication problem's life is full of disappointments and teaching them how to deal with it is an ongoing, heartbreaking job for their parents.

OP I think you are right but I'm not sure of the best way to explain it to DS1. Would he be in the same group as DS2 - could you simply say you don't want to sit through 2 x sessions on Wednesday (or whatever) so he has to choose something else?

Borntorun25 · 16/02/2014 11:29

YANBU.
I also have 2 DCs who are quite close in age and very competitive against each other, oldest inevitably comes off best and youngest gets upset. I have tried to steer them into some different interests as far as possible and it definitely helps.
If your older one has plenty other activities and just fancies a go at this one I would try and dissuade him/her explaining that it is nice for sibling to have their own special thing, is older one of an age where they would have some understanding of this?
More difficult if older one genuinely really wants to take up this sport seriously, would be unfair to stop them then, but it doesn't sound like it from your post.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2014 11:29

Reading the OP, it sounds as if the younger child has had plenty of practice dealing with disappointment, AfricanExport. How much more do you think the poor lad need to take??

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2014 11:31

How old are they OP?

With an 18 month age gap, I think there will always be sibling rivalry.

You might be able to engineer things now, but you'll be fighting a losing battle one day.

ajandjjmum · 16/02/2014 11:33

We did similar when DC2 forever overshadowed DC1 - she was apparently a 'natural' at everything!!! It has balanced out over time though, and now I probably wouldn't have worried about it as I did.

Pigletin · 16/02/2014 11:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would probably do the same in this situation. I would, however be careful with how you explain to DC1 why it's not a good idea for him to do this sport.

NigellasDealer · 16/02/2014 11:34

I don't know momentoftruth, perhaps it would be good for them to do something together?
also you will have DC1 going 'ooh my mum never let me play ........... (insert sport) for ever!

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