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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to allow dc1 to do a certain sport?

101 replies

MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 11:07

On one side there is dc1. Bright child, usually good at sports. Things are coming easily to him.
On the other dc2 is 18 months younger and us finding things hard. He has clear social and communication problems and has always felt 'stupid' compare to dc1.

They are both doing some sport activity and I have been careful that they would both do something different in order to boost dc2 self esteem. They both do some lite competition in their own chosen sport.
Except that dc1 has now decided he wants to do the same than dc2, do the competition etc

AIBU to say to dc1 NO and to tell him to stick to his first favoured sport?

OP posts:

Original poster

MomentOfTruth · 16/02/2014 12:18

YY about dc1 getting resentful if I don't let him compete in that sport. But also YY about dc2 getting resentful and feeling small again if I do let dc1 play.

It feels like I have to choose the best of two evils tbh.

OP posts:

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 16/02/2014 12:25

What sport is it? Would they definitely be in 'direct' competition, as in the same class?

With ours, karate is a class for 3-7 year olds. They're all in together. But football and swimming take place in the same place at the same time, but the kids are split into achievement groups...so your child is competing directly against those of the same sort of ability.

I do think some competition is healthy. Ds1 was recently really disappointed when his best friend from swimming was moved up to stage 4 but he had to stay in stage 3...but I haven't tried to 'make it better' for him, because I think by trying i'd actually make it worse.

I've just kind of said 'Yes, X is doing really well isn't he! Good for him. As soon as you can do that extra length you'll be there with him. Well done today for (insert that days achievement)'.

Borntorun25 · 16/02/2014 12:26

At 10 DC1 should be able to understand that it is nice for DC2 to have their own 'thing'. I wonder if DC1 is just wanting to prove that they are still 'better' without realising the effect this would have on DC2s self esteem. If so, and if there is no real desire on DC1s part to seriously take up this sport I would explain why and encourage them to keep to their own activities.

As others have said dealing with sibling rivalry can be difficult, obviously parents have to be fair and even handed but children don't start out on a level playing field ( no pun intended!) and as parents sometimes we have to do what we can to even out pre existing inequalities.

I would explain to DC1 that not everyone can do the same at the same stage in their life, we all have different qualities, and sometimes it is just nice for us to have our own thing. If DC1 realises it is because he/she would likely be better then hopefully they will be old enough to understand why that would be difficult for DC2 and why you don't want to go there.

Also, I'm sure you already do this but praise up other qualities that both DC can work on, helping you, good attitude, kindness, helping others, etc so that being 'good' at sport, etc does not become too important a benchmark.

saintlyjimjams · 16/02/2014 12:32

Ds3 wanted to do the activity ds2 is talented in. I said no because he had enough activities & it would be more expense. He accepted that. I didn't tell him the third reason - that he wouldn't be anywhere near as good as his brother - & I didn't want him in ds2's shadow again.

Borntorun25 · 16/02/2014 12:37

Oops, sorry, cross posted, I'm a very slow typist! Had missed info about how much difficulties there were with DC2 and how DC1 already copes with a lot and already plays but now wants to compete in this sport.

Very difficult then, I see that either way one DC is going to lose out but if DC1 has plenty other activities what about gently explaining that this is DC2s only thing and it would be really nice if he could keep it for now.
If DC1 still wants to compete in a few months maybe leave the door open to reconsidering.

woodrunner · 16/02/2014 12:40

OP is there any way DC1 could do the sport but through a different team or group so they're not in direct competition? Or at least have them do it on different nights, if that's possible.

Also, find other things DC2 can shine at. To have that one thing, and only to have it if your brother is kept from it isn't much to have at all. It won't take long for him to twig what you are doing and to feel he's not shining at all, he's just being protected. I think you are doing this with the best of intentions, but probably need to build genuine self esteem in DC2 rather than esteem dependent on your over-protection.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/02/2014 12:41

Yanbu OP. i would do the same as you for the same reasons.

I would also explain to older dcs why you have made the decision and try and encourage him/her to give this bit of kindness to younger sibling.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/02/2014 12:42

My eldest is 8 and would understand this decision and the reasons behind it.

SantanaLopez · 16/02/2014 12:43

YANBU.

MothratheMighty · 16/02/2014 12:47

Makes perfect sense to me, it would be one of those tough parenting decisions that actually has a huge impact on your family dynamics.
DS1 could diversify into any number of other sports, just not his brother's.
That's meeting the needs of both of your children.
I'd work on DS1 though, having a child with additional needs can sometimes make other siblings feel that life is unfair and they are not getting a fair deal.

sadbodyblue · 16/02/2014 12:53

yep I would agree with you op. my lads were 16 months apart and a bit like this but 10 is old enough to take into your confidence and say its kind to let his brother shine in this sport at least for a while.

he needs to learn empathy and consider his younger brother by you being honest.

surreygoldfish · 16/02/2014 13:09

I'd agree with you too OP. Three DC but 2 DS 15m apart. DS2 is very competitive and sporty and outshone DS1 on the games pitch. They are a bit older now but when they were about 7 and 8, DS 2 was playing football every weekend we found a sport for DS1. DS2 would have been good at this other sport too so we never let him do it. We did at the time justify this on the basis of time and the number of activities but also said to DS2 'no you're not doing this - this is DS1s sport. They both still do these sports five years on and it's worked really we'll. I think you have to do what's right for your family - sometimes siblings need a bit of space from each other.

Thumbwitch · 16/02/2014 13:19

Has your DS1 said WHY he wants to do the same as his brother? is it a sport he has always wanted to do, or do you think there is actually an element of wanting to be better than his brother at yet one more thing?

Because if it's the former, then I think you could consider letting him do it; but if there's any sort of one-upmanship underlying it, then absolutely not. He'll get over it, he can find other sports. Your DS2 has enough to contend with, being overshadowed in everything, he should be allowed to have his "thing".

Another point though - does your DS2 really enjoy "his" sport - I know you said you didn't want to push him out of it, but perhaps there might be another one he would prefer? And if so, then your DS1 could do the sport that DS2 currently does competitively.

I totally understand your motivation though and think that if you can get the message through to your DS1 without it causing resentment, then stick to your guns.

DeWe · 16/02/2014 14:28

I think it's perfectly fine for them both to have their own thing, particularly as dc1 overshines in everything. I have deliberately made sure that my dc have their own things as well as the things they all do.

My dp made sure that db did everything I did, and it constantly made me feel under pressure on those things. If I was doing better it was expected because I was 3 years older. If he did as well then it was obviously amazing. It was only in adulthood I realised that some of those things I was better at.
I got on much better with my dsis who did totally different things because we weren't always stepping on each other's toes.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/02/2014 14:51

My memory of being a sporty child was that everything clashed!

Any chance that you could find something else on at the same time that ds1 would love and then you can say "well you can do tennis league if you want but I have just found details of extra football for super talented footballers so I thought you might prefer that?"

It means that you will end up driving like Lewis Hamilton from one activity to another but may be worth it in the long run.

AfricanExport · 16/02/2014 14:56

Wilson

I fully understand the social, emotional and confidence issues faced by some children, especially those with SEN, my own included.

I just don't agree that limiting one childs opportunities for the benefit of another is fair on anyone.

brokenhearted55a · 16/02/2014 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercibucket · 16/02/2014 15:33

what sport is it? is there something similar? eg karate and tae kwando. not the same but close enough that ds1 might like to do it. if it is a common sport like football or rugby though yabu as all boys seem to want to do that here for school ground kudos

Fivemoreminutesmummy · 16/02/2014 15:33

I think it's really important you protect this sport/ sense of achievement for DS2. He needs opportunities to develop self esteem.
Say to DS1 that he can choose another hobby if he is unhappy with the one he is doing but he can't do the same as DS2.

littledrummergirl · 16/02/2014 15:40

14months between ds1 and ds2. Ds1 very bright, finds everything easy. Ds2 struggles with a lot of things.
They are now at different secondary schools, different scout groups and do totally different activities.
When they were younger ds1 asked to do ds2s activity and we said no, they each have their own thing.
This helped ds2 hugely and now that he is out of ds1s shadow he is blossoming and becoming a wonderful child to have around.
Ds1 understands our reasons and is supportive of his brother. We dont get much sibling rivalry between them, they are good friends.
I think we did the right thing by saying no.

CromeYellow · 16/02/2014 16:01

Every child has differing abilities, they all deserve every opportunity to thrive and achieve their potential, it's unfair to punish a child by depriving them of opportunities just because they're more able than their sibling. Your older son needs to be encouraged to excel as much as the younger one.

yabu.

Viviennemary · 16/02/2014 16:08

YABU. Why should a child not be allowed to do a sport because he/she might, heaven forbid, be good at it. This could build up an incredible amount of bad feeling and resentment in the future. Big mistake IMHO.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2014 16:25

What about the risk of the OP's ds2 resenting her ds1 for taking away the only thing that was 'his'?

It sounds like her ds2 has enough challenges and difficulties in his life, and needs this one bit of his life in which he isn't being judged (or judging himself) against his older brother?

SlowlorisIncognito · 16/02/2014 16:55

I can see why you want to protect DS2's activity, but is DS1 happy with his current sport?

Are the two sports very different? If so, could you explain to DS1 that he could pick another, similar sport that he would like to do instead? Can he explain what elements of DS2's sport makes him think he would like to do it? That might help you come up with an alternative suggestion?

For example if he currently plays a team sport, but doesn't like being let down by others, and DS2 does an individual sport, then any other individual sport might have the same appeal. He might just want to change and be struggling for ideas of sports to change to?

Megrim · 16/02/2014 17:28

Surely, it depends on the sport and whether they would be directly competing against each other?

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