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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this irritating re school trip?

36 replies

velvetspoon · 11/02/2014 22:15

DS2 is going on a school ski-iing trip on Friday. His dad has paid for it in full (which is nice of him, DS2 is v appreciative and looking forward to it).

They leave late Fri night. The school is a 5 min walk from my house.

Tonight, ie Tuesday, 3 days before he goes, DS2 goes out with his dad - and a message is passed to me (via DS1 as I don't speak to my Ex directly) that Ex needs me to give him all DS2's clothes/ underwear/footwear/toiletries for the trip tonight. Failing which Ex will go out and buy him all new stuff.

I've given most of it to him - some of it is in laundry etc, but will be ready for Fri. Just not tonight, because it doesn't need to be, except for him insisting!

I know I shouldn't care but it just annoys - he was exactly like this when we were together, if I couldn't lay my hands on any given item within minutes, he'd say the house was a mess, then fuck off to the shops to buy a new one.

Luckily most of the time that's no longer my problem. But on occasion I don't think I am BU to get irritated by it!

OP posts:
NewBlueCoat · 11/02/2014 22:19

I'd shrug and let him buy it all if that's what he wants to do.

what difference would that make to you? he would be the one inconvenienced (out of pocket, and loss of time).

is your ex the one dropping him off for the trip? if so, I can maybe see the point - wanting to be organised, wanting to know there is no last-minute panic for something, and not wanting to have to come back to pick it all up before the trip starts. but still only sort-of a point.

let him stress. you know, and ds2 knows, that it is all under control. that is what counts.

whattodoforthebest2 · 11/02/2014 22:21

YANBU - he's being an arse.

Wuxiapian · 11/02/2014 22:24

YANBU - he is!

I'd be inclined to let him buy him new gear if he can't wait!

Original poster
velvetspoon · 11/02/2014 22:26

It's just such a pointless waste of money. And it annoys me that he's all hurry up about it - there's no need to pack DS's stuff yet, he goes at 10pm Friday!

He could quite easily either have said could I give him DS's stuff tomorrow or thurs. Or even given me the suitcase to pack and leave here (as I am v close to the school, where they're leaving from, and he is 5 miles in the opposite direction).

Just feels like another thing to pick at me over.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/02/2014 22:27

YANBU

Let him buy all knew stuff if that's what he's saying! Tell him it will all be ready by Wed night, and if he can't wait till then, he can indeed go shopping.

OddBoots · 11/02/2014 22:27

I can see why he wants to be packed and ready, I'm like that, it needs to be as much as possible sorted and ready to go a week or so before.

It's not reasonable of him to drop that on your today though, if he'd said a week ago or earlier that this is what he'd like to do then that would be one thing but to expect it the same day is unfair of him.

missymayhemsmum · 11/02/2014 22:31

You have just reminded yourself how glad you are not to be living with this man.... wouldn't it have been even more annoying if he had stopped being a wazzock when you split up?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 11/02/2014 23:06

I actually hoped I might find him less irritating...it's nearly 6 years since we split and he still drives me mad!

At least it's not my problem on a daily basis now...

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 11/02/2014 23:26

Where is your ds spending most time between now and Friday night?

Tbh, I think whichever parent is sending him off and doing the most organising around the trip should be able to decide when the bag is packed.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 12/02/2014 06:44

DS lives with me, so will be here every night til Friday.

I don't see the point of packing now, but in any event it's more the ridiculous attitude of 'I'll buy wverything new' that annoys, because it's such a stupid waste of money.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 12/02/2014 07:03

Is it not just a difference in personality? If I was going away Friday I would have things packed by now, it would drive me mad to not be ready yet. If it was dh he would be finishing packing five mins before we had to leave. If I had arranged a trip and paid for it, I wouldn't be leaving it till the last minute.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 12/02/2014 07:15

But would you be saying that if you couldn't pack you'd buy a load more stuff?!

OP posts:
PorkPieandPickle · 12/02/2014 07:22

Can you not just tell him it's packed?!

GTA5MASTER · 12/02/2014 07:29

I can see your ex's point I'm afraid because I have to be packed, ready and organised a few days before in case I need to get new stuff. It would be a pain if I found out too late that I didn't have something I needed.
My daughter is off abroad with school soon too and she will be packed and ready a week before but that's just because she's so excited ;-)
Lucky ds though to get to go skiing! I've not been for years and that's made me want to book a holiday ;-)

Minorchristmascrisis · 12/02/2014 07:36

I don't think it's massively unreasonable of him to want to know, 2 days before, that ds has everything he needs. Not sure he needs everything at his house now. I think it would be fair enough of him to say, "has ds got everything he needs? If not, let me know, I've got a couple of days to go and buy stuff."

MidniteScribbler · 12/02/2014 07:56

I'm going away at Easter and already have my suitcase out and have started packing. I need to start packing early, and leaving it until the day you go means running around in a panic if something is missing, and you're more likely to forget something. You're 'I'll get around to it' attitude would drive me mental I'm afraid.

WooWooOwl · 12/02/2014 07:58

If your ds lives with you then it's up to you to help pack the bag, but tbh if your ex just wants to do some of the preparation with his son, then it's not a bad thing. It would have just taken better communication from him before now to let you know that he wants to do it.

AmberLeaf · 12/02/2014 08:02

Why have you got to give the EX all the clothes etc though? if your son is leaving from your house, how does that make any sense?

Gladvent · 12/02/2014 08:04

It's not your money that would be wasted though is it?

I don't think he is b u based on just this, but totally understand this reminding you of his previous twattishness.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 12/02/2014 08:08

He has everything he needs - the Ex has bought all his ski equipment, the things he has asked me for are thermals (which he has here, and ex knows that), underwear, tops, onesie etc (ditto). It's not like any of it is stuff DS doesn't wear all the time, so there's no chance of him not having it, or not having enough!

And as for packing in advance, some of the things have been worn in the last day so need to be washed before they can be packed. I certainly couldn't start packing weeks in advance, as stuff like his onesie would be worn and washed 2 or 3 times before then!

I never pack til the night before - I'll have either a mental or physical list beforehand, but I don't see the point in packing early when some clothes will need wearing before then.

He is lucky to be going ski-ing though, I do acknowledge that. It's just all the 'hurry up' in advance - and the fact he whips both DSs into a frenzy of 'dad has to pack right now' and then they get annoyed with me.

OP posts:
complexnumber · 12/02/2014 08:34

After 6 years you will still not talk directly to your ex and have to rely on your DS1 for communication!

Is that the way mature adults should behave in front of their children?

You are not getting his view on things, you are getting your DS1's interpretation of his views.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 12/02/2014 08:42

I was getting his view - I could basically hear what he was saying over the phone to DS1 as I was standing next to DS at the time.

I don't and won't communicate with him directly other than by text. I did try being friends with him after we split up, like mature adults; however after he helped break up my next relationship, and after that also bottled a guy for speaking to me, I decided it was better if we had no contact at all.

So that's why we don't communicate directly!

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 12/02/2014 08:42

Complex - sometimes that's just the way it is. I've tried on numerous occasions to have a conversation with XH of 7 years. He will not talk to me.

We have a parents' evening this evening. He won't go because I'll be there. We have 3 DC. The last time he attended parents' evening was about 6 years ago. DD14 wants us both to go but that won't make a difference.

No its not mature, its ridiculously childish.

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/02/2014 08:46

'Childish' comment not directed at you Velvet Smile

I understand your situation.

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/02/2014 08:49

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack - as you were

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