to find this irritating re school trip?

[velvetspoon]

DS2 is going on a school ski-iing trip on Friday. His dad has paid for it in full (which is nice of him, DS2 is v appreciative and looking forward to it).

They leave late Fri night. The school is a 5 min walk from my house.

Tonight, ie Tuesday, 3 days before he goes, DS2 goes out with his dad - and a message is passed to me (via DS1 as I don't speak to my Ex directly) that Ex needs me to give him all DS2's clothes/ underwear/footwear/toiletries for the trip tonight. Failing which Ex will go out and buy him all new stuff.

I've given most of it to him - some of it is in laundry etc, but will be ready for Fri. Just not tonight, because it doesn't need to be, except for him insisting!

I know I shouldn't care but it just annoys - he was exactly like this when we were together, if I couldn't lay my hands on any given item within minutes, he'd say the house was a mess, then fuck off to the shops to buy a new one.

Luckily most of the time that's no longer my problem. But on occasion I don't think I am BU to get irritated by it!

Hmm I wonder if you have form for being disorganised?

the fact he whips both DSs into a frenzy of 'dad has to pack right now' and then they get annoyed with me.

As I was reading I was thinking exactly this and then you said it.

Packing several days in advance unless that's your only chance to do it, isn't organised, it's anxious.

Fine, it that's what makes you happy. But don't infect anyone else with your anxiety.

Your washing and packing plan is sensible. My only advice is to let him waste his money and get into a terrible tizz over the packing. And if your sons get upset just shrug and say: 'Well, you know Dad's little ways, don't you?'

Given your last post that would be an understatement.

We're going skiing on Saturday - I haven't packed yet for many of the reasons you have given - it's always a wrench to get DS out of his onesie so I'm leaving that until Friday.

Could you email/text your ex a list of the things you are providing, whilst I think he is being unreasonable to demand everything suddenly, he may not know that DS does have what he needs, so email him a list of 2 x thermal tops etc etc. and tell him it will be ready on Friday.

He took a bagful of stuff last night - I've just heard from DS1 that DS2 has gone out shopping with his dad - no doubt to buy anything I didn't give him last night. Despite me specifically saying that wasn't all his clothes.

Now I have DS1 getting upset that I haven't given his dad everything. And he's also now mithering the boys about DS2 not having foreign currency to take (despite, when I asked him, telling me that DS2 only needed to take £10-15 in uk money with him!)

I give up with it all. I should mention while we were together, I planned, booked and packed for every holiday. Including packing all his clothes. So it's not like this was ever 'his' responsibility!

this is nowt to do with packing op it's about him seizing control and trying to make you out to be a flaky mom to your dcs.

just day 'up to you ex dh if you want to then do so but it's not needed is it as you are well aware'

let him spend. giggle over him to your sons and tell them he's an 'old fuss pot' they will work all this out when older.

I never ever pack until the night before either as far too busy for that.

I'd say options are take what's ready tonight (3 days before it's actually needed)!! Or wait until Friday & have everything together.

If ex wants to buy what isn't ready to have tonight then let him get on with it..

I'd be lucky if my exh would even go halves on a trip let alone buy stuff for it but then he's a tight arse!!

I do think it is about control, and more than a little gaslighting goes on too. I'm relieved it's not just me thinking that! He loves painting me as the shit parent

He and DS2 are still out 'shopping'. I will be glad once this trip is over.

I suppose it depends how it was presented :

"I'd really like to make sure you have everything you need today because I'm working late on Thursday. But if it's a problem for your mum, don't worry, we can always pop out and pick up a few bits"

Or

"God why does your mum leave everything to the last minute? She's so disorganised! I'd rather buy new than wait for her to get her sorry arse into gear"

A lot closer to the latter than the former...

On reflection, I suspect part of the reason is that everything will be washed and ironed again (by Ex's mum, not by him as he can't work a washing machine) because my laundry skills are not perceived as good enough

Do not feed the beast. And control-freakery is a beast that destroys the best of relationships, and that's not what you've got, so fuck him OP .

If he wants to waste his money and his time and your son's time traipsing round the shops and his mother's time washing and ironing things, let him.

His mother might indulge him, but unless your son is getting something more exciting than a fleece, he'll soon get fed up with it and the constant bitching about your perceived inadequacies if his day-to-day life with you is normal - which I'm sure it is.

Gently mock him. One day your sons will be grown up and you will be free of him. Meanwhile, your sons will make up their own minds about you and their father.

I hope your son has a great time.

And packing days in advance for no good reason is anxiety. If you own it, that's fine. If you inflict it on others, you're a control freak.

I'd have told him it would all be packed and ready in time but that I was sure DS would appreciate lots of new things if that's what he wanted to do.