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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look after the baby myself and not really mind?

30 replies

Leonas · 10/02/2014 18:44

We have a 10 week old baby and from day 1 I have done all of the feeds, baths, nappies (more or less) myself. I'm bf so my dp feed her anyway and he works over 80 hours a week (he has 3 jobs) so I don't expect him to come home and get straight into changing etc.
He adores her and loves chatting away to her and cuddles. We have no family nearby so I have just always done all of it myself. I have had some pretty crap days and nights but I suppose I am lucky that she is an easy baby, despite being colicky too.
I keep reading posts from mums saying they need their dp to do more, which I completely understand but has anyone else not minded doing it themselves? Just curious really, I suppose.
I know I will probably be flamed for being a mug/ pushover/ setting feminism back 50 years but I genuinely feel like he is contributing by knocking his pan in working so much to provide for us.

OP posts:
nevermindthecat · 10/02/2014 18:45

I don't think you're being a mug - he's contributing financially, you're contributing by caring for your DD. in my opinion you are BOTH doing demanding and important jobs and it sounds like you're both doing them well x

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 10/02/2014 18:46

…your baby is only 10 weeks old. See if this is how you feel when she is 10 months old!

You sound lovely and congratulations.

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 18:47

If it's not broken...

CuppaSarah · 10/02/2014 18:50

Whatever works for your family. You sound like a great and strong couple.

LEMmingaround · 10/02/2014 18:53

Sounds good to me - just make sure you are not the only one who CAN settle her as she gets older.

milkingmachine1 · 10/02/2014 18:54

It's great you are happy with the current arrangement and it may work whilst baby is so young and you are breastfeeding. It may only become an issue when she gets a bit older and you want a bit of freedom. What happens if you want a night out or to start an evening class. It can't always be you who puts baby to bed, feeds, bathes, clothed etc..

Perspective21 · 10/02/2014 18:56

I've done all my baby rearing like you, I've had three. My DH also had long hours but would always make my dinner in evening and help think of weekend entertainment, drive us places and cook and shop. I always considered that we each had different, but equal roles. It suits some mothers to do the early mothering themselves and mine always looked out for Daddy as they grew into older babies who needed more fun and stimulation.

Enjoy your young baby and these special days but be ready to pass your bundle on when DD gets bigger. Ask your DH to do stuff you can't manage with baby, heavy bins, hoovering stairs etc..

Keep an open mind and be flexible. In our case, I was just good with small babies and DH has always come into his own for older babies, he has been ace at taking them all on bike rides, for eg..

Do what works for your family x

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 10/02/2014 18:56

If you want to do it all then that is up to you.

Just don't moan in a year from now when you are knackered and he never learned how to care for his child Grin and nobody else can do anything and you are a wreck.

(I'm joking, of course you can moan Grin )

If you want to do it - fine.

Just make sure others CAN do it. In case you are ill, exhausted or whatever.

TravellingToad · 10/02/2014 18:57

Yes if that works. I'm 3 weeks post caesarean and doing everything for the baby as DH is doing everything for the toddler.

It's 100 x easier doing the baby, he just sleeps and eats! I've got the easy job by far even with night feeds.

Original poster
Leonas · 10/02/2014 18:57

Thank you! He will be staying at home with her some of the time when I go back to work which he is looking forward to. I suppose at that point we will need to rethink our system as we will both be working (although he will be able to work less, I hope!) and therefore will have to share more at home too

OP posts:
Perspective21 · 10/02/2014 18:58

Yes, my top tip from my sister was to get all babies to have a bottle and once they reached 3 months or so, I would shift this around so I could pop out on an errand alone or haircut etc..IMO this kept me feeding longer as I felt I had a pass to get out when I needed it.

Jinty64 · 10/02/2014 18:59

I have always done it all myself and, pretty much, still am. Mine are 18, 16 and 7. Sometimes it was hard (and still is) but there we go they appreciate me!

bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 19:00

my dh always worked away and long hours. it is what it is.

what about army/navy wives? you will be fine op and let's face it most women still do the lion share of domestic and child care anyway.

starlight1234 · 10/02/2014 19:01

Its what works for you as a family...

I think there is a difference between expecting him to walk in and holding a baby who has pooed to change and him not been able to change a nappy...

If my Dp worked 80 hours a week I would not expect him to walk in and cook tea...

MsLT · 10/02/2014 19:03

Sounds good to me! He's working over 80 hours a week/3 jobs & bringing in the money. I would also take on the lion's share of childcare/ house stuff myself if I were you. :)

NatashaBee · 10/02/2014 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idespair · 10/02/2014 19:11

You will see people complaining on here if their setup is not working. But yours is working so it's fine.

PenguinsDontEatKale · 10/02/2014 19:14

Do what works for you. She's 10 weeks, she's very little and the world is very new.

But bear in mind that patterns can get very entrenched over time. What seems ok now might not at 6 months, or 2 years, or aged 5. Especially if you are planning to go back to work at some point, because you don't want to be one of the women on here working and doing everything at home.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/02/2014 19:14

Whatever works!

I really like the non-judgmental sound of your post. I think no matter what someone's choice, it is great for women to support each other and recognise there are lots of ways of doing things.

1944girl · 10/02/2014 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OddBoots · 10/02/2014 19:33

I did much the same with my DS (born summer 1999 so dh as an IT engineer was doing the y2k thing) and it was fine, they have a great relationship. Eventually dh's work calmed down and he took on more of the child stuff and I worked a bit.

When dd cam a few years later he was hands-on from the off but that was because our situation had changed.

Just because a parent can't be doing much/any of the feeding etc to start with doesn't mean they'll be less of a parent or that the other parent is put upon.

MartinSheensTeeth · 10/02/2014 19:34

My bf's DH has never put their DC to bed. Which means my friend cannot go out until 8pm at the earliest, or she has to be back at 9pm on a Friday or Saturday. So that's nice.

whatsagoodusername · 10/02/2014 19:38

As long as he knows how to care for the baby and is willing to do it if needed, then it doesn't matter how you arrange your roles. If you're happy with how things are, great! Grin

OneStepForwardTwoBack · 10/02/2014 19:41

I was like this, I loved looking after my babies. I think my oh was happy with it that way too. He has done more as they have got older, arguably the more fun stuff but then I don't always fancy a football match or getting splashed in the swimming pool so I've been happy to go with that!

Fairylea · 10/02/2014 19:42

Works for us too. Whatever works is great! It's when one half of the couple is doing sod all either inside or outside of the house that it leads to resentment and then it bubbles over (that's why I ended my first marriage). But if you're both working as a team in different ways what is not to like?

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