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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that dp hasn't told anyone we're engaged?

43 replies

MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 13:38

A couple of weeks ago dp and I got engaged. We were both sober and are both happy about it, he in particular has been sending me links to venues, photographers etc. He told his parents a few days later who were really pleased and when his mum congratulated me she asked when we were telling everyone else. He was seeing his children that weekend so I presumed he'd tell them then we'd tell everyone else, allow the news to be on Facebook etc.

However, he didn't tell his children. He has pretty much said that he doesn't intend to as he worries that their mum might stop them attending. The wedding will be in three years or so! My dd knows we're engaged and I feel it'll be much worse coming from her than him and I'm certainly not prepared to deny it. Furthermore, he didn't tell anyone at work saying he 'likes it being a secret.' He also hasn't told anyone else and hasn't spoken of any plans to. I don't feel I'm in a position to tell anyone as a result as I don't want his dc hearing the news from anyone else but I'm happy and excited and want to be able to tell people.

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
SamG76 · 04/02/2014 13:48

Sorry, YABU to get engaged but not get married for 3 years. What's going to change in that time? Maybe he's waiting until you have fixed a date? Congrats nonetheless!

ScarlettMantleplume · 04/02/2014 13:51

Why are you waiting three years?

Patchouli · 04/02/2014 13:52

3 years?!
There's not a lot of point telling anyone for about 2.5 years is there?

Pigeonhouse · 04/02/2014 13:53

Congratulations. Is there something else going on in relation to your fiancé's children - is he simply afraid to tell them, as he's afraid they'll be upset he's remarrying? I'm extremely private - I didn't even tell anyone we'd got married for several months afterwards - but I don't see how he can expect to keep your engagement a secret for three years, especially as some people, including your daughter, know. Also, even if he genuinely believes their mother won't let them attend your wedding if she knows, how does he expect to swing their attendance if neither she nor they know there's a wedding? Does he just think he'll take them to the church on one of his access days and shout 'Surprise!'

There must be more going on here...

onetiredmummy · 04/02/2014 13:53

Congratulations :)

How old are the children? They will tell their mum before the wedding anyway as children like to chatter so his argument makes no sense.

pussycatdoll · 04/02/2014 13:54

Well it you've got a massive ring everyone will soon know Grin

OpalQuartz · 04/02/2014 13:55

Maybe the OP is saving up for it. Surely better to tell the children and ex now so everyone has the chance to get used to the idea in advance.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 04/02/2014 13:57

Congratulations!

I don't really get your DP's view. His children will find out eventually, either from his ex, from you or your DD, or from overhearing conversations. Surely they should hear it from their dad first? I would be very upset if I'd heard of my dad getting engaged from say, his sister or a sibling.

Is there any reason you're waiting so long to get married?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/02/2014 13:59

Is this a non engagement really and have you got a ring? Are you allowed to wear it?

ShatnersBassoon · 04/02/2014 13:59

With three years to go there's no desperate hurry. If he's worried his ex will try to put the kibosh on things, it's no wonder he's not shouting it from the rooftops.

Some people feel embarrassed by making announcements. I'm one of those people. I didn't tell anyone I'd got engaged, just waited for it to come up in conversation.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 14:08

YANBU to be upset. You want to tell everyone. Of course. But it can be difficult with children from a previous relationship and their parent. And lot's of people like to keep it 'their little secret' for a while.
It is 3 years, there is no rush.he may have good reasons or just be worried and anxious about letting certain people know.
It is a bit irrational and would be better to tell people straight away but it can be hard. Don't be upset or angry with him. Try to understand, have a talk and explain to him why you think it is for the best. Be supportive.

Good luck.

Quinteszilla · 04/02/2014 14:10

Hmm 3 years?

Is he placating you with this "engagement"?

Original poster
MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 14:13

Three years so we can save and so all the children are old enough to be involved in the day. He honestly thinks we can plan the wedding without telling his kids and that they'll just get involved on the day and accept that fine Confused I think its treating it like a dirty little secret and that us being open and happy about it wouldlead to tthem feeling the same. The ring is being resized but personally I think it's strange to wait for his siblings to notice the ring to discover we're engaged. They'd be really happy for us and I feel like keeping it a secret is treating it like it's something to be ashamed of rather than celebrate.

OP posts:
Pigsmummy · 04/02/2014 14:14

How about telling his children that you are engaged but not when it's meant to happen, then on a weekend of visiting you it just so happens to be your wedding, then the ex can't put a spanner in the works?

Three years isn't a particularly long engagement IMO. Congratulations! Have you got a ring?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/02/2014 14:14

Is the 3 years because has got quotes for the whole thing and has worked out how much he can save per month and it will take 36 months?

Original poster
MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 14:15

No, he isn't placating me. I wasn't too worried about remarriage but it's important to him. I just don't agree with his dc finding out from mine, I think he should tell them himself.

OP posts:
pussycatdoll · 04/02/2014 14:15

Perhaps he wants to tell his siblings in person rather than on the phone
Invite them all round & tell them then

Original poster
MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 14:18

Pigsmummy I just don't think it should have to be like that - his dc should be allowed to be as involved in and excited about the day as mine. By keeping secrets he's going to antagonise his ex.

OP posts:
VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 04/02/2014 14:23

Surely his ex will be furious (and his kids think it is very weird) if they find out on the day? YANBU it's weird

Quinteszilla · 04/02/2014 14:23

What matters, the wedding or the marriage?

Have you both been married before, since you mention remarriage?

onetiredmummy · 04/02/2014 14:24

He could tell the ex that he's engaged but the date hasn't been set yet?

Agree that people should know, especially his kids.

pussycatdoll · 04/02/2014 14:26

Are you sure you want to marry someone who can't be arsed to tell his kids & ex wife he's getting married?

Sorry to be blunt but the whole thing sounds bizarre

FootieOnTheTelly · 04/02/2014 14:26

I can see him not telling his kids as the wedding is such a long way away but it does seem odd that he isn't telling his siblings. It does seem a very, very long engagement. Was there a reason that you didn't want to start saving for the wedding without being engaged.
I wouldn't find it very newsworthy news IYSWIM - maybe your DP thinks other people will feel the same way.

I also thinks it makes a difference to how 'excited' people depending on how old you are, if you have been married before and how long you have been in a relationship.

IneedAwittierNickname · 04/02/2014 14:28

As an ex, I'd be furious if my dc came home and said they'd been to their dads wedding that they previously didn't know about.

As it is, I know he's engaged but he's never told me himself.

Sallyingforth · 04/02/2014 14:42

This is odd. Presumably you are already living together? If marriage is important to you both, do it now. If it's not important to you both, don't bother at all.
Or is it only the wedding day that you want - an expensive party?