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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that dp hasn't told anyone we're engaged?

43 replies

MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 13:38

A couple of weeks ago dp and I got engaged. We were both sober and are both happy about it, he in particular has been sending me links to venues, photographers etc. He told his parents a few days later who were really pleased and when his mum congratulated me she asked when we were telling everyone else. He was seeing his children that weekend so I presumed he'd tell them then we'd tell everyone else, allow the news to be on Facebook etc.

However, he didn't tell his children. He has pretty much said that he doesn't intend to as he worries that their mum might stop them attending. The wedding will be in three years or so! My dd knows we're engaged and I feel it'll be much worse coming from her than him and I'm certainly not prepared to deny it. Furthermore, he didn't tell anyone at work saying he 'likes it being a secret.' He also hasn't told anyone else and hasn't spoken of any plans to. I don't feel I'm in a position to tell anyone as a result as I don't want his dc hearing the news from anyone else but I'm happy and excited and want to be able to tell people.

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 14:50

It's not just the expense that we're waiting because of. We have a toddler and want her to be old enough to be involved/remember, we're both working towards career goals which we will hopefully have achieved by then and are planning a house move too so feel we have a lot on already. I agree, if I was the ex I'd be angry if kids weren't told until the day.

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 04/02/2014 14:51

He honestly thinks we can plan the wedding without telling his kids and that they'll just get involved on the day and accept that fine

Did he say that? Sorry but if he thinks he can just spring his wedding on his kids from a previous relationship on the day and not tell them beforehand, he is not mature enough to get married! They need time to get used to the idea.

whatsagoodusername · 04/02/2014 14:58

My DSis and BIL didn't tell his children the date they were getting married because of his ex, anticipating her not allowing his DDs to attend they were due to be my flower girls, that morning he got a text that she wasn't bringing them because she was camping with them and her bf

When they announced their engagement, his ex denied access for awhile. They did get the girls for their wedding. Ex found out after, they didn't see his DDs for a few months.

whatsagoodusername · 04/02/2014 15:00

BIL's kids were happy about a surprise date, don't know how they would have felt finding out about a surprise engagement and wedding.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/02/2014 15:00

Not withstanding the children and the ex situation, there isn't much to tell if you're not getting married for several years? I felt really awkward telling people because I hated all the fuss and questions about the wedding, I really didn't like the spotlight being on me.

MrsCakesPremonition · 04/02/2014 15:02

FFS if you love each other and want to be in a marriage together, just get wed and move on to the important bit - being married.

Why put your future on hold for 3 years?

(BTW my DH didn't tell anyone he worked with that I was having a baby until I was 8 months gone - some people like don't like drama).

Original poster

MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 15:05

Whatsagood - he has a contact order though so it's difficult to stop it. I think the kids need time to get used to the idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 15:06

It isn't that 'he doesn't like drama' or that I do. I think it's odd to keep big happy news from friends and family

OP posts:

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:09

Whatsagood - he has a contact order though so it's difficult to stop it.

Sorry. It is not difficult at all to stop contact even with a contact order.

Original poster

MinnieMoose2014 · 04/02/2014 15:12

But surely deceiving the ex is more likely to cause contact stopping than being honest. They separated sixyyears ago, there's no reason to think she'll take the truth badly

OP posts:

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:13

It can be difficult to tell your children, worrying how they will take it.

It is up to him when he tells them. He may have his own good or irrational reasons. Please don't be upset.

I think it's odd to keep big happy news from friends and family

It is not odd for a lot of people.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 04/02/2014 15:14

Why do you need to save for 3 years? You are grown ups planning a marriage, not a kid planning a "be a princess for a day" party. Do you both want to be married (as opposed to having a wedding)?

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:15

They separated sixyyears ago, there's no reason to think she'll take the truth badly

Well I have seen it before. And surely your DP knows her best.

WhoNickedMyName · 04/02/2014 15:18

Seems to me it's a bit of a non-event really.

He's bought you a ring. You've both discussed getting married in about three years. Is this what people consider 'being engaged' these days?

There's really nothing to tell. I'm with your DP on this, if it will rock the boat with regards to contact with his children then why bother telling yet.

ALittleStranger · 04/02/2014 15:20

*We have a toddler and want her to be old enough to be involved/remember

I'm going to sound really weird I know, but I think is a bad idea. The marriage is about you and your DP's relationship, it is not a family event. Statistically, there is a good chance your marriage will break down. I hope it doesn't, but if it does, I don't think it's going to help if it's the family unravelling IYSWIM. I think parents need to get much better at seperating their couple relationship from their family unit, then maybe we could all negotiate divorce a little bit better.

Cravey · 04/02/2014 15:27

That's slightly odd. Also for his kids slightly trauma inducing. You can't just expect them to turn up one day and pop off to dads wedding. That's just not good parenting. They need to be able to process this whole thing.

SamG76 · 04/02/2014 15:28

well put, ALS. We show our wedding pics to the DC's. None of them show the slightest surprise or upset that they weren't there. Your toddler can turn up in a bridesmaid's outfit, and I'm sure she'll be delighted at the time and in the future when she looks at the photos.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:34

You have a child together, you live together. Is an "engagaement" (ie, an agreement to marry in 3 years time) really that big a deal?

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