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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No reciprocation from friends re dinner

54 replies

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 11:09

Has anyone else experienced this?

Me and my partner invite friends round to ours to catch up, make a nice meal and have a nice evening.
We've had several couples over individually and sometimes groups.

It's never reciprocated! I find this quite rude, especially as I have dc and they don't, plus the cost of food, drinks and the effort to cook everything.

I know they don't have to invite us around but surely it's curtious?

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 04/02/2014 11:19

I don't give hospitality to receive. It's nice if people reciprocate but between friends it really shouldn't matter. Not everyone likes cooking or is happy to show their house off.

If you have dc they might think they're doing you a favour coming to yours so you don't have to get babysitter.

If you're getting peeved about cost & would like to get out just suggest you all go to restaurant next time.

I also don't cook expensive food for friends.

Do they bring wine? Offer to bring dessert?

Unexpected · 04/02/2014 11:21

How often has this happened? Are you NEVER invited back? We sometimes host and don't get a return invite (don't entertain in order to get one) but I know what you mean, in general, you invite your friends and they invite you back! We have busy lives and it might take six months before we can get together again with certain couples but the intention is certainly there!

juneau · 04/02/2014 11:27

This reminds me that we owe good friends of ours at least two dinners ... actually more like four in my case as we've had girls nights at hers too. What's my excuse? We've been building a house for the past 12 months and moved in Dec. Before that our tiny, cluttered house was useless for entertaining. Plus, I hate cooking. It's bad mannered of me though, so thanks for reminding me.

teenagetantrums · 04/02/2014 11:27

I go to peoples houses for dinner but never invite them here, to be honest i hate cooking and don't really like people in my shabby flat. I always take loads of wine when invited, when i was working i would take friends out for lunch in return cant afford that now. Maybe they think you wont be able to come due to childcare or maybe they never have people to dinner.

teenagetantrums · 04/02/2014 11:28

Oh and i never had people round for dinner before having children, wouldn't have occurred to me, we would have all gone to the pub.

Original poster

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 11:30

Never.

I don't give to receive, just think it would be polite? Or even invite out to restaurant and pay if you don't like cooking?
But I know that they do like cooking and have suitable flats so just a bit .

It's like having a friend babysit your dcs lots and never having theirs over.

OP posts:

Original poster

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 11:31

Guess I'm just grumpy as I always have to cook,
Would be nice to be cooked for for once!

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 04/02/2014 11:34

My heart sinks when people ask us over to dinner. Even if they're friends and good cooks, it's just not my idea of fun and a waste of a babysitter, but there's usually no way of getting out of it. We reciprocate if we have to, but that's even worse because we don't like cooking or hosting and it's always hard to get rid of people. I realise this sounds really anti-social, but I'd rather go out somewhere with people, to see a film or show or go to a bar/restaurant. There's just something about a meal/dinner party that feels pressured and claustrophobic to me. I'm sure not all your friends are like me, but am just pointing out it's not everyone's idea of a good time and they may feel they're doing you a favour just by coming. That is how I see it actually - that if people ask you it's because they (for some reason!) like hosting meals, not because they want to be hosted in return.

Original poster

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 11:36

Maybe ill arrange meals out from now on!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 11:40

It's puzzling OP. Have they invited you to their parties or out to dinner instead?

It's really rude. They shouldn't accept your hospitality if they have no intention of reciprocating.

It's just strange if no one at all has invited you round.

Pigsmummy · 04/02/2014 11:43

I used to host a lot, more than my friends but I didn't mind, I had more room and could work from home which meant that I had more time to prepare. Now I have a baby and I haven't had a group for a meal since baby was born. I have had the odd friend. I also had a friend who kept inviting herself and the girls around for dinner when baby was about three weeks old, I put her straight.

Kikithecat · 04/02/2014 13:05

I expect they think you prefer hosting as you have children and would need a sitter or to take them along with you to a child-free household where they may be bored.

AwfulMaureen · 04/02/2014 13:10

I think you might be being unreasonable. I sometimes cook for friends with and without DC...one of them never does it back as they have a disabled son..I wouldn't expect them to...the other lot work horrendous hours and I make them a meal and host because otherwise they'd never go anywhere and we wouldn't see them! I think if you like hosting then host but don't expect anything back...

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2014 13:16

I don't expect hospitality to be returned on a '1 dinner given = 1 dinner invited to' basis but some element of reciprocity is normal, surely? YANBU

5Foot5 · 04/02/2014 13:17

Yes I also think it must be something to do with the fact that you have DC.

Either they think it would be really difficult for you to come to theirs because of getting a babysitter or they are afraid that you will expect the DCs to be included in the invitation

sanschocolat · 04/02/2014 13:23

YANBU to expect to be invited back once in a while.

I think a certain amount of reciprocity is normal. Most of our friends are settled/with dc though. Perhaps your friends are just at a different life stage?

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 04/02/2014 13:25

I don't think you are bu.
It's not that I give to receive but I like some effort and thought. Surely that's what friendships are about.

piratecat · 04/02/2014 13:26

yanbu to have expected someone at some point to have reciprocated.

I'd deffo arrange to meet at a restaurant from now on.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 04/02/2014 13:30

Are they friends or acquaintances?

People have loads of reasons for not reciprocating:

Too busy (I find it practically impossible to find a date for people to come to dinner given family occasssions and all the dc's activities)

Hate cooking/hosting anxiety

Don't like you enough to want to invite you over!

OldBeanbagz · 04/02/2014 13:30

Maybe they're intimidated by your cooking? Are you a fab cook/host? Maybe they worry that their cooking isn't of the same standard?

I agree with you though. It would be nice to be invited back sometime.

ChippingInWadesIn · 04/02/2014 13:36

You don't always have to cook you choose to cook.

As for 'they could take us to a restaurant and pay' my ghast is flabbered.

LornMowa · 04/02/2014 13:37

When I was young, I worked with a number of people who were in their 40s and 50s. We sometimes went out for work lunches and they would always insist on buying my meal. One of the women explained to me that she was happy to pay for the office junior because she knew I couldn't afford it and these things go around and one day I will do the same for someone else.

Its now my turn to be generous to those less fortunate than myself. Hopefully your good turn will be repaid by someone sometime.

RawShark · 04/02/2014 13:38

When my friends had kids we used to go round and take wine, they would cook. Our house didn't have a table so hard to reciprocate.

Am thinking now -was it really rude but as they were really good friends I think it was mutually beneficial-they saved on baby sitting, we helped with washing up and everyone had a nice time. I think we may even have discussed going to ours and sticking with theirs for those reasons.It wasn't fancy though-bean casserole with my friend's experimenting with yummy puddings.

Knowing what I know now about having kids I would have cooked too which us a bit embarrassing. We still see them regularly so can't have offended too much!

poshspiceeatsquinoa · 04/02/2014 13:39

you should re evaluate these friendships. maybe they are not real friends. try to get to know people who are more interested in you.

Blueberrypots · 04/02/2014 13:40

I am going to go against the grain here because I have experienced this too OP in the years and find it rude in the extreme.

In our case, we all have children and all have busy lives, so really I do understand that you will not reciprocate the following week, but surely it is polite to make an effort - maybe just invite over for coffee and cakes or take us out for a meal or for lunch.

We have a small number of friends and acquaintances who have done this and to be honest it also puts us in an awkward position as I am not sure whether to keep inviting them as I wonder whether they are only agreeing to come over as they are too polite to say no.

It does really annoy me. I don't do it to have an invite back, but after a few times it does puzzle me why it doesn't cross their mind to reciprocate in any way, especially as they must know it is quite hard work to cook/clean and tidy the house and do everything else, so I feel unappreciated really.

I understand the point about not liking someone enough to invite them over, but then you shouldn't accept repeated offers of dinners at their house either?

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