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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No reciprocation from friends re dinner

54 replies

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 11:09

Has anyone else experienced this?

Me and my partner invite friends round to ours to catch up, make a nice meal and have a nice evening.
We've had several couples over individually and sometimes groups.

It's never reciprocated! I find this quite rude, especially as I have dc and they don't, plus the cost of food, drinks and the effort to cook everything.

I know they don't have to invite us around but surely it's curtious?

OP posts:
Panzee · 04/02/2014 13:41

I always have my friend and her daughter round mine to play and have lunch. Sometimes she brings food, sometimes she doesn't. I have more space and her husband works from home so it's easier. It never occurs to me to want an invitation back, she's my friend! If I started to feel taken advantage of I'd stop inviting her, or suggest we go out. I don't keep score and start getting snarky.

Custardo · 04/02/2014 13:41

more often than not I can't be arsed cleaning to a high spec and pretending I always live like that.

Panzee · 04/02/2014 13:42

:o Custardo that's why it's only the one friend who gets invited, she gets my mess!

BlueSkySunnyDay · 04/02/2014 13:46

Gosh I am afraid I am that friend. I always went to a friend's annual get together - because I liked them and wanted to support them

I wouldnt feel confident cooking for someone though because it would matter too much to me that I cooked something they liked and I get way too stressed to be a good hostess.

Im happy not going out so I wouldnt arrange a night out either...hmm perhaps I shouldnt accept their hospitality?

meganorks · 04/02/2014 14:09

I do this. Our house is just such a mess all the time I don't want to invite anyone over! Actually, its a bit of a fib. We do have people over - did at the weekend. But normally to because they have had us over. But there is one couple we still haven't had over. They had a posh newly refurbished house. Ours still needs loads of stuff doing and don't feel comfortable having them over. But we will soon....(nearly 2 years later!)

MurkyMinotaur · 04/02/2014 14:16

I always thought, if someone invites you, they simply want you to come to their house that day and have dinner with them. So you say yes or no. You enjoy the time with your friends. Then that's that. No obligations follow. You might offer to wash up, you might bring a drink...or not.

Otherwise, it's a bit like when you have a BetterWare catalogue posted in your door, then three days later, they want it back! Or making sure you give price-matched birthday presents!

Relationships are give and take, and although it can sometimes need some conscious effort to think about how to give as well as take, on the whole, the drive behind the efforts should be a natural reciprocation, shouldn't it? Rather than any prescribed obligation.

And give and take might be different. E.g. I share your cooking skills, you share my bike-fixing skills or baby-sitting. Or in the very early stages of building a relationship, we just chat or lend DVDs or whatever.

Helltotheno · 04/02/2014 14:22

It's hard to say really. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest because I just have people over for the chat and company. My problem is I love the actual entertaining, that is, getting people pissed having a laugh and chatting, but hate hate hate the food part, and at this stage, there's a group of friends I owe dinner to and what's putting me off is they're foodies, I'm not and I feel a lot of pressure around that.

Also I don't really want to get on a 'regular dinner party' band wagon because too much of it loses its novelty a bit imo.

Don't know really OP. The one thing I'd say is that it obviously bothers you so you should probably stop asking them?

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 18:13

It has to involve food as usually the only time they can come is evenings. Maybe ill do tea and cake from now on?

Chipping really? So if someone cooked for you three times, a nice meal and you couldn't cook or didn't have the space, you wouldn't say hey guys lets go out to eat and it's on us seeing as you cooked for us a few times?

Meh. Thanks Blueberry that's exactly it!

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 04/02/2014 18:19

We are grateful that our friends understand that it is easier for us to host as we don't need to get a babysitter for DD and they don't have any DC.

Panzee · 04/02/2014 18:20

I would probably invite people out if I didn't want to entertain at home. But I wouldn't give it a second thought if they didn't invite me. If we are friends then there is no need to keep score.

LadyInDisguise · 04/02/2014 18:24

If someone invited me 3 times and I didn't want to cook a meal, I certainly wouldn't invite them to a restaurant. I mean you tales about the cost of the food. Imagine the bill at the restaurant!

I think I wouldn't expect them to reciprocate Neal for meal but I would expect to go out with them on other occasions (cinema, pub whatever) and spend some time with them at other times, organized by them, even if they aren't paying if that makes sense.

WooWooOwl · 04/02/2014 18:27

I hate being invited to people's houses for dinner for exactly this reason.

I'm not that great at hosting and I get mega stressed when I have to do it, so I have no inclination whatsoever to invite people over for a pleasant dinner, because it would be anything but fun for me.

But then if you repeatedly turn down invitations to people's homes so that you can avoid having to reciprocate, especially when they try to be accommodating with dates/times, then you look just as rude as you do when you accept but don't invite back.

We don't have the money to pay for meals out for other people, so can't reciprocate that way, but that doesn't mean we don't want to socialise with anyone ever.

So what are you supposed to do when you hate hosting and people you like insist on inviting you over for dinner.

I'm thinking that actually, it might be the ones that keep inviting that are being rude for putting people like me in this position when we can't help but offend!

KatieScarlett2833 · 04/02/2014 18:30

I don't cook at all so if I'm hosting you get alcohol, dessert and the takeaway of your choice. DH will cook if required but TBH my system seems to be most popular amongst my friends Grin

WhereIsMyHat · 04/02/2014 18:32

We've done the same, entertained guests and not had the same back. But I'm not annoyed about it though. They're probably too busy, have little faith in their culinary skills, have kids who don't sleep etc. I really can't get worked up about it. They're nice people, we're happy to host (we wouldn't otherwise) and don't give to receive.

WhereIsMyHat · 04/02/2014 18:33

Jesus, I'd never expect someone to take us out in return for us cooking them dinner!

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 18:35

It's not about keeping score though Panzee The OP has never had an invite back. Poor Op is always stick on nought-not much score keeping needs to be involved.

Very very frustrating for the OP. she's clearly trying with her friends and putting a lot of effort in, and no one else is prepared to show the same kindness and consideration to her and her DP.

It's just plain rude if nothing else.

I'm not particularly keen on entertaining. I do it because I like my friends, enjoy their company, and like to socialise with them. And yes, to repay the compliment after we have been entertained and fed at their houses. I much prefer being the guest to being the host. But I would never not take my turn.

I agree with Blueberry post as well OP. she has said it all perfectly.

dontcallmemam · 04/02/2014 18:36

Ive got a friend like yours. She's a lovely generous person but feels really intimidated about cooking for friends. We've solved it by having a takeaway (we all split the cost) and lots of wine.
When she comes to me I cook but only because i enjoy it. She brings booze/chocolate whatever.
We're all happy.

BackforGood · 04/02/2014 19:04

What ZenNudist said in the first reply, and MurkyMinataur have said on this page.
If someone invites me to dinner, I assume it's because they like my company / want to get to know me better, and they enjoy cooking / hosting. I don't assume it's because they want to invite me back.

The idea of a dinner party is lovely, but the reality of it is

a) we are rarely both here, in, together, at the same time, when we don't have to take anyone anywhere or fetch someone during the evening
b) I hate cooking - it really stresses me, so it wouldn't be a relaxing way for me to spend that evening
c) I work from home a lot and have all my work stuff in the dining room - it's quite a kerfuffle to clear it all out
d) I'd also have to put in extra hours on the cleaning if I were formally inviting people to a meal.

Occasionally we will have a party, and, if I think about it, there are people who have been here on a few occasions that have never invited us back to their house for a party, but it doesn't matter one iota. I'm having a party to spend time with people I like spending time with, not so I will be invited to other people's parties.

formerbabe · 04/02/2014 19:08

My sil used to come over nearly every week for years for lunch/dinner. She never once returned the invite. If we do go over to hers, she doesn't even offer us a cup of tea!

I finally told my dh I wasn't taking it anymore. Its bloody rude, food is expensive and I am not a restaurant!

KatieScarlett2833 · 04/02/2014 19:08

I pay for the takeaway Smile
Least I can do for all the lovely dinners I owe.
No stress, fuss free.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 04/02/2014 19:09

The takeaway idea is really good! Or even if they brought a pudding or helped wash up - never had that happen.

To be clear most of these people are my partners friends

OP posts:
Panzee · 04/02/2014 19:11

Oh that's different! :o sod em.

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 19:13

BackforGood well have it on good authority from me. We have people round for dinner often. I enjoy their company. I loathe cooking. Hate it.

And although you don't expect for a return invite, you certainly hope for one. You've done your turn, surely it is only polite that they then issue an invitation in return.

ScentedScandal · 04/02/2014 19:17

Oh the dreaded dinner party merry go round...your 'turn'.

I've always wondered though..how do you (politely and without it being taken as not wishing to be friends) refuse a dinner invitation because you don't want to hop onto that merry go round?Confused

BackforGood · 04/02/2014 19:19

So why invite them to you house, BowlersArm, if you hate cooking ? I'm genuinely Confused by that.
Why not arrange to meet up for a pub meal or a restaurant ? (or of course some other activity), or, as others have suggested, a more informal takeaway night.