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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect hubby to have 2 days off a week?

27 replies

zombielady · 31/01/2014 10:56

AIBU to expect my self employed other half to only work 5 days a week? We have a lively 4yr old and a 5 mth old and i admit i find it difficult when on my own. He earns enough so it's not as if we need the money. My mum thinks he should earn money while he can but I think it is more important to spend time with family and stop me from going insane!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/01/2014 10:59

What is his reasoning?

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 31/01/2014 11:00

My DH is currently working 6 or 7 days a week, I take the same stance as your mum, get the overtime while its there.

I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Frankly I find it more hard work when DH is home Grin

However, if you are struggling with the kids and he is able to cut down his hours then speak to him

chickydoo · 31/01/2014 11:05

I think yabu
As someone who is self employed, you take work when you can, it is not great to turn down work, as the client may go elsewhere. Maybe in time your DH can take on an assistant.
I work 7 days a week, have 4 DC. My DH works 5 at the office, but works when he gets home.
You do what you have to. Your DH is probably working for a good future for your family.

flowery · 31/01/2014 11:09

Depends what his job is really, and whether this is temporary or all the time, and whether it's strictly necessary. Being self-employed it's not necessarily as simple as turning work down without having long term implications.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2014 11:10

YANBU - working a 5 day week is enough, especially if you do not financially have to work more.

My BIL (when his kids were young) worked every hour god made, fast forward 15 years and he has no relationship with his kids, they more or less grew up without him ever doing anything with them and now he is ready to wind down and spend time with them, the will has gone and they aren't interested. I don't really know why he expects any different though, he should have spend time with them when they were smaller.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2014 11:11

oh and his marriage broke down as well, his wife got fed up with it and so she isn't interested in him anymore either.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/01/2014 11:12

YABU, especially if he's self-employed. It's a really bad idea to turn down work unless you absolutely have to. If he gets a reputation of turning down jobs, his existing client list may soon dwindle. People don't go to companies if they know there's a possibility of their business being declined.

DP sometimes works six days a week. He works Mon-Fri at his "regular" job and occasionally works Saturdays as a handyman with his friend's company. He gets paid handsomly for the overtime and it pays for some lovely extras - nice meals or nights out, and some goes into savings too.

I get it's hard to look after two children on your own, but there's also a lot of pressure to work and earn as much as possible when you're the only person bringing in a wage.

WooWooOwl · 31/01/2014 11:13

It depends what sort of work he does. I think most self employed people have to take the work while it's there or they damage their business in the long run, and it can make the days they do work much harder and longer if they are forced to fit more in.

Hoppinggreen · 31/01/2014 11:13

My husband has his own company and he works most of the time, I don't think he can help himself.
I have to ask him to stop for meals etc or to help with bedtime. He goes put with us as a family but still checks emails.
I think its a part of being self employed, I am too but I don't do anything when the kids are around but fortunately my business means that's possible

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/01/2014 11:14

Betty, there's a difference between working every hour god sends and working six days a week. DP works six days a week (like I said above) but he's ALWAYS home by 4pm and he never works Sundays. He gets up early to be home early. Yes it's an extra day "away" from home, but the extra money means we aren't struggling to pay our bills and to pay for food every month.

If he was working 12 hours a day 7 days a week, I would say it's absolutely too much, but six days a week isn't abnormal these days, especially if he's around in the evenings and pulls his weight when he is home.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2014 11:17

TheDoctor I agree, 6 days is fine but from the OP's post it looks like her DH works every day.

snickers251 · 31/01/2014 11:19

I could have written that op

Dh works 12hr days, 7 days a week throughout his busiest period as a self employed heating engineer

We had an almighty row last night and I've now asked him to be home by 5 twice a week. I'm not holding out any hope

Our eldest asked if he could go to Daddies house the other day ... How sad is that Hmm

WilsonFrickett · 31/01/2014 11:20

How long has it been going on? I'm working every hour god sends atm, but it won't be for ever and I'm doing it because it has earned me a brand-new client. Things will settle down in a month or so, because I will have built the relationship so I don't have to say 'yes' to every single request they make, but that is the freelance life, I'm afraid.

Different if this has been going on constantly for six months or so though - that's not sustainable for him and he should maybe think of taking someone on or subcontracting to ease the pressure a bit.

I know it's tough with little children, but he's freelancing in a difficult economy...

SoonToBeSix · 31/01/2014 11:23

Yanbu never mind a good future the op and his dc deserve a good now.
More important things in life than money and family time is right up there.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/01/2014 11:26

True Betty, she didn't say how often.

OP, when you say he works a lot, how often are we talking? Does he work 12 hours a day, seven days a week, or is he up early and back home for dinner, bath and bed? I think there's a big difference. If it's the former, YANBU and he needs to prioritise SOME time with his family. Maybe make sure he has a day off each week and is at least home for dinner, say, three nights a week on top of that.

But, if he's working, say, six days a week but is home by dinner time, I don't see a real problem. A lot of people need to work six days a week to pay the bills. I assume from your OP that you don't work? That's not a criticism, but you might need to understand that in order for you to stay home, your DH needs to work more than a normal, five day 9-5 week.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2014 11:36

Well the title says she wants him to have 2 days a week off as she feels working 5 days is enough which makes me think he is working 7 days.

EmmelineGoulden · 31/01/2014 12:04

OP YANBU. The single biggest regret that men have when they are close to dying is that they worked too much and spent too little time with their families. Speak to him about how he's missing his child growing and that he won't be able to do this over when he's older. The opportunity will have passed. If that doesn't work spend some of the extra money on some support for you so that you get a break often enough to be able to enjoy this stage too..

OpalQuartz · 31/01/2014 12:12

YANBU OP to want more support from him with looking after the kids. How much time does he actually have with the kids?

Original poster
zombielady · 31/01/2014 12:49

He is a tattooist and has a decent waiting list so lots of drawing when he's home in eve.And it's 6 days. To be honest I probably am being unreasonable it's just I live for the days he's home - DD teething so can't put her down and DS is a V demanding 4 yr old.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 31/01/2014 13:03

OK, so if he's a tattooist he is working for the public and doesn't have the client relationship 'thing' I mentioned above. I think in that case he should take one weekday a week off - Monday is probably a quiet day for him? Which he could spend at home. The drawing at night I think is fair enough, as long as he is pulling his weight with bedtime routines etc.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/01/2014 13:03

Does he work in a tattoo parlour? Our local one employs artists but it's closed two days a week so they're guaranteed a "weekend" (Sunday and Monday).

YANBU to want him home more, I want DP home more and we don't even have DC yet! BUT this extra work could really benefit in the long run. If he builds up a really good profile of work and clients, he could afford (in a couple of years or so) to become more selective with his work and he won't need to work so often.

I assume he's around in the evenings/mornings to help with breakfast and bedtimes? There's no need for him to be out of the house first thing, surely?

SukiTakeItOffAgain · 31/01/2014 13:24

YANBU OP.
I've got the same thing, in theory he works 5 days a week but then spends evenings and weekends doing quotes, paperwork, picking up stock etc.
He doesn't charge even nearly enough for jobs and should build these costs into his quotes and then take less work on so there is time to do this stuff during the working week.... But what do I know.

Grumbliest · 31/01/2014 13:49

Yanbu..My hubby world 12 hour shifts 7 days a week(factory worker) and often feels he cannot say no..when he's home he does pitch in but it's hard to do family stuff and i do feel quite isolated

Original poster
zombielady · 31/01/2014 14:02

Thanks everyone for your opinions. He tries his best but is so laid back I do end up doing all the childcare - breakfast tea bed etc. It gets on top of you sometimes, but he works hard so I try to make allowances. Poor you Grumbliest - those hours would send me crazy!

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 31/01/2014 14:07

yanbu. If you need the money then its one thing but if the money from 5 days is plenty then its another. my dh is self employed also, I think they get on the making money bandwagon and it becomes a bit addictive tbh.