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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't go - I hate her

46 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 20:45

I don't know what to do. Big family meet up tomorrow with OHs family. We have been together 25 yrs - I have tolerated his parents for this long but I have had enough. They are not interested in us or our children (there are other grandchildren who they indulge with babysitting, holidays, visits to their school plays/events etc.) My daughter rang them in march to let them know the results of her secondary school application and they would not speak to her - a 'oh did you - that's nice - is your dad there' response. MIL is self centred and judgemental and makes me cry with her little put downs and dominance. They have recently refused to look after the children for four days in the summer (never have done any babysitting for my two ever) because she won't be able to manage. Fine - I am not entitled to her childcare but she has just managed to put bil and his wife and three children up for three weeks.

I just can't play happy families and nicey nicey any more. OH won't confront her because she gets defensive and upset. Aibu to not want anything to do with her? When we last got together in a family group of 18 she moaned because I didn't kiss and greet her first! Can't be doing. How should I deal?

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 03/01/2014 20:47

Do what my mum does with my dads family and arrange to do something else on that day.
She hasn't seen evil aunty for about 20 years.

MmeLindor · 03/01/2014 20:49

How often do you see her?

If it is just a couple of times a year, then I would say grin and bear it.

Can you send DH on his own with the DC?

asmallandnoisymonkey · 03/01/2014 20:49

I wouldn't deal with it. If your OH wants to go and see them then let him.
I'm a firm believer in not having people in your life that don't enhance it just because they're related to you.

If they weren't related to you would you have anything to do with them? If the answer's no then why do you think you should?

People will come along and say "yeah but they're family" and my response to that is, then why don't they behave like it?

Do what you think is best for you and your family unit. If they make you feel like crap, don't go near them.

diddl · 03/01/2014 20:49

Will there be others there you would like to see?

justmuddlingalong · 03/01/2014 20:49

If you go she'll moan. If you don't go she'll moan. Don't go Grin.

pigletmania · 03/01/2014 20:51

Don't go, she sounds awful. If oh wants to go, he can!

DangerousBeanz · 03/01/2014 20:51

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't even consider it and I wouldn't think I'd done anything wrong either. If my DH wanted to go I'd tell him to have fun.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 20:52

Thanks - my two SILs will be there - quite like them. Part of me wants to tell her what I think but it won't change her. Why should I be the one with the misery?

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 03/01/2014 20:53

Oh go and waft about madly.

DoItTooJulia · 03/01/2014 20:54

Well,you have a couple of options.

  1. Don't go do a no show and let DH deal with any questions.
  2. Call ahead and say you won't be coming. You could say you have something else to do or you could tell the truth.
  3. Go.

I prefer 2, with truth telling. But that means a confrontation. And possible uncomfortableness for your DH.

DipMeInChocolate · 03/01/2014 20:54

Honestly don't bother, spend the day enjoying yourself instead.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 20:56

OH doesn't do confrontation - none of her 4 children do. They pussy foot around her like she is the queen, making excuses for her.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 03/01/2014 20:58

Op just wondered how old your dc are? Are they tinies? Seems unfair that they won't help out when they babysit for other grandchildren.

WooWooOwl · 03/01/2014 20:59

If you want to go to see others then treat her her way she treats you. Show her next to no interest and then complain about her a lot when you get the chance.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 21:02

My kids are 12 and 8 - not exactly babies!

OP posts:
ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 03/01/2014 21:07

I would only go if you only see the others you like there...I would not go for mils or pils who have treated one like dirt over the years, nope.

DontmindifIdo · 03/01/2014 21:09

If you really can't face it, can you have strategic diarrhea hit in the night? (You just have to get up, go to the loo a couple of times in the night, making sure you wake DH up when you get back into bed and whimper "Not wanting to give you too much information, but I've got an upset stomach.") tomorrow morning, you're not sure you're up to going out, you still have loose poo and you don't want an accident on the way. He should go with the children.

put your feet up, watch some rubbish day time TV. Say how much better you're feeling when they get back.

Next time there's a 'family do' tell your DH in advance you don't fancy going. Not the night before/the morning of the event, that's too late to politely decline and puts him in a tricky position. You can then work out how you tackle it, there doesn't have to be a confrontation, you can just keep making excuses. (clashes with pre-arranged events you can't get out of, being ill etc).

DontmindifIdo · 03/01/2014 21:09

Oh and invite his siblings over to you regularly so you aren't cutting them out.

boredreally · 03/01/2014 21:14

if you have family there you are happy to spend time with, go. If you worried and stressed by thought of going and feel your children are treated as second class, I would not go. She sounds remarkably similar to my paternal grandmother, eventually we as grandchildren grew wise to her. I agree with others, life is to short for those who bring negativity in to it. Good luck

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/01/2014 21:19

ExitPursuedByaBear

'Oh go and waft about madly'

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/01/2014 21:20

forgot to Grin

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/01/2014 21:22

You owe me a keyboard but worst of all I spluttered a mouthful of good wine.

ExitPursuedByABear · 03/01/2014 21:27

Never waste wine Shock

Sorry.

Riprap63 · 03/01/2014 21:28

I would go. You might cause trouble at home. Make yourself free by removing any expectations you have of you mil.

ENormaSnob · 03/01/2014 21:33

Go but discreetly shin kick her during greeting.

Feign ignorance when she squeals.