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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't go - I hate her

46 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 20:45

I don't know what to do. Big family meet up tomorrow with OHs family. We have been together 25 yrs - I have tolerated his parents for this long but I have had enough. They are not interested in us or our children (there are other grandchildren who they indulge with babysitting, holidays, visits to their school plays/events etc.) My daughter rang them in march to let them know the results of her secondary school application and they would not speak to her - a 'oh did you - that's nice - is your dad there' response. MIL is self centred and judgemental and makes me cry with her little put downs and dominance. They have recently refused to look after the children for four days in the summer (never have done any babysitting for my two ever) because she won't be able to manage. Fine - I am not entitled to her childcare but she has just managed to put bil and his wife and three children up for three weeks.

I just can't play happy families and nicey nicey any more. OH won't confront her because she gets defensive and upset. Aibu to not want anything to do with her? When we last got together in a family group of 18 she moaned because I didn't kiss and greet her first! Can't be doing. How should I deal?

OP posts:

mydadsdaughter · 03/01/2014 21:34

Eat loads of sprouts tonight, go tomorrow and fart lots

BigBirthdayGloom · 03/01/2014 21:37

Go, but make sure you give yourself a lovely treat to reward yourself for being the better person. I have a magazine and a coffee shop visit after seeing my mother.

Ruprekt · 03/01/2014 21:40

My MIL treated me like dirt for years.

I cried and cried over how mean she was to me.

I cut her out of my life 8 years ago and have no regrets at all.

Dh sees her with the boys but I will never lay eyes on her again.

Do not go. Tell dh you are not going. Book yourself a treat and let him take the kids.

Just do it.

Original poster

MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 21:44

The sprout suggestion is very funny. MIL does not, of course, ever pass wind. Po faced cow.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/01/2014 21:46

If I go, how do I avoid kissing her? I might just stab her at the same time (now there's a thought). Do I tell her she has offended me? Trouble is I have a really big gob and I am crap at giving people the silent treatment.

OP posts:

JoyceDivision · 03/01/2014 21:48

Go. Greet her by giving her a kiss ( as she expects). Either -
a) whisper in her ear 'Nobody here likes you,you wizened old bat' or something like

b) give her a full on snog when lean in for a kiss then hug her like a limpet sobbing dramatically and refuse to let go. All night.

ICanSeeTheSeaFromHere · 03/01/2014 23:29

I once told my Mil (after years of her playing mental games with me) to 'be a dear and F*cK off'. I said it in a house full of people out of ear shot and with the politest smile on my face. I then flounced off and made everyone tea. She announced to the room I was a rude so and so and my DH told her enough was enough, he was fed up of her being so twisted. She was the female version of the little boy who cried wolf.... she tormented me for years, lied that I was horrid to her, excluded her etc and when I was finally rude for the first time no one believed her.

My DF suggested it!

She has behaved ever since. As have I!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 03/01/2014 23:45

You're a grown up - the day you left your parents' house and went out on your own in the world you became responsible for yourself, and you no longer have to do anything you don't want to. Your decisions will have consequences, but they are your decisions and it is totally up to you. If you don't want to go, then don't go.
Works for me I have been in the same room as my MiL less than a dozen times in almost 14 years with DH and the world hasn't ended

Marrow · 04/01/2014 00:01

Don't go. I have only made one New Year's resolution and that is to no longer see my FIL. Feel very relieved now I have made the decision.

diddl · 04/01/2014 09:02

I think that there is a world of difference between her putting up her son & family, & looking after GC tbh.

That said-if she's so awful-why woulld you want your kids to see her at all, let alone be looked after by her?

Keep yourself & your kids away if she's that bad.

revivingsnowshower · 04/01/2014 09:14

I like dontmindifido suggestion of strategic diarrhea. As she says you can simply make sure your schedules clash with any family events from now on. I think this avoids bad feeling in the family so dh can go to things without any drama.

2rebecca · 04/01/2014 09:21

I agree with diddle. I'm often surprised when on mumsnet people moan about how much they dislike their MIL (in this case to the extent of being unwilling to spend a day in her company) and then immediately start moaning that they don't spend more time with them because they aren't doing free childcare/ putting them up for weeks.
In general if 2 people get on well and enjoy each others company then they will do favours for each other. Maybe your MIL helps out her other DIL because they enjoy being together. She maybe knows you don't like her so keeps out of your way whilst still politely inviting you to family events.

revivingsnowshower · 04/01/2014 09:36

2rebecca I do agree I wouldn't want a mean mil to look after dcs, but I can also see a lack of interest in the dcs might put you off her. I started to like my fil a lot more due to his interest and kindness to dd. He doesn't look after her as he is in poor health, but just the fact he is clearly very fond of her and generous with presents makes me think well of him so I can see the reverse could also be so.

2rebecca · 04/01/2014 09:49

I've always lived some distance from relatives so they rarely babysat when the kids were young as if we visited each other we wanted to spend time together.
Ther are very few people I "hate" though, and the OP does stress that she hates her MIL, which suggests it's more than her just not showing an interest in her kids but a personality clash. If I hated someone I wouldn't want them constantly offering to babysit.
To me whether or not I like someone and want to spend time with them is unrelated to whether or not they fuss over my kids. My MIL has rarely looked after my kids but I still like her.

RandomMess · 04/01/2014 09:57

My MIL will rarely babysit but won't have them during the day but will dn & dn (same ages and actually badly behaved as MIL tells us) but I still like her despite the favourtism!

Somehow you need to detach, you don't need her approval etc. I would go (because you like SILs) and being sickening sweet and nice and OTT with the air kisses.

Original poster

MrsPatrickDempsey · 04/01/2014 10:00

The thing with the kids next summer isn't the main issue here - it was a recent example. As I posted I don't think I am entitled to free childcare by her - not at all - but it is hard to fathom the lack of interest, care and understanding. You are probably right Rebecca - I am likely to be the problem. She is quite an insincere woman (everthing and everyone is wonderful don't you know) but I don't think she has ever understood modern, independent women!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/01/2014 10:08

Sorry if my post came across wrong, I know it's not about the childcare it's about her as a person.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 04/01/2014 10:11

Why should it be your job to confront her? Why hasn't your husband done it before now?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 04/01/2014 10:19

Tbh, I think your partner is the problem too. He wont confront mummy dearest because he doesnt want to upset her but he'll sit back and watch 25 years of your hurt and upset.
Why is that?

Original poster

MrsPatrickDempsey · 04/01/2014 10:42

Thanks Shiver. Yes, this has been discussed between OH and I. As I said him and his siblings tread round her. If anything is ever questioned or confronted she flies off the handle, gets defensive and slings mud back. I often feel he doesn't advocate me and does whatever for an easy life. He is a very laid back, confrontation avoiding person.

OP posts:

diddl · 04/01/2014 12:12

My MIL was tiptoed around.

I simply didn't do it-although it wasn't to avoid her shouting, but to shield her from anything that might upset her

I wasted too long dissecting everything she said/did at visits.

Then I decided to follow my husband's example-get the "pleasantries" out of the way, then tune out/read a paper magazine.

You either need to call her on her put downs or ignore.

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