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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in a tiny strop over difference in monetary value of gifts?

44 replies

findingmymarbles · 26/12/2013 01:04

DSister has had a gift from our mother. I asked for cash from family, I have a specific thing I am saving up for.
My mother made a big thing of showing me the price tag of Dsis's gift, by-accident-on-purpose. It's £250.

I had £50 in a card. Obviously fifty whole pounds is a good present, really not to have a strop over.

But fuck me, my sister is an accountant , married to a doctor. I'm 6 months into starting my business. The thing I'm saving for would earn my business hundreds if not thousands. £250 would be one 8th of what I need.

My parents are fairly well off, it really would not kill them to spend the same on both of us.

Am I being unreasonable to feel short changed, let down and quite sad?

OP posts:
springysofa · 26/12/2013 01:10

YANBU

Mimishimi · 26/12/2013 01:11

She might have bought it at a greatly reduced price. YABU.

oldgrandmama · 26/12/2013 01:11

Might it be that DSister asked for this particular (very expensive) gift and your mother obliged? But I agree - the disparity in the monetary value of both gifts is a bit unfair. Not sure if you can really say anything about it to your mother, though.

I always make sure my gifts to my two middle aged kids, their spouses and the grandkids are the same value, give a quid or two. For instance, present to one granddaughter, a huge bear, cost a fair bit more than present for her brother (football shirts), so I made up the difference with a gift of cash on top on the shirts for grandson.

Your mother sounds a bit thoughtless, I have to say. Why did she have to show you the price tag?

Finola1step · 26/12/2013 01:14

YANBU to feel the way you do. But there is nowt you can do about it. You will get told how the choose to spend their money is their choice blah blah.

My gran used to play obvious favourites between her children and then of course her grandchildren. I can honestly say I had no love for the woman. When she died, i felt nothing. It was nothing to do with money, and everything to do with being treated as less of a family member for many years. These kind of games don't end well IMO.

brokenhearted55a · 26/12/2013 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

80sMum · 26/12/2013 01:21

That must have hurt a bit OP. If your mum was going to treat you and your sister so differently, she should have at least been discreet. Personally, I always give DS and DD (both adults) the same monetary value gifts (usually just a cheque), even though one is financially better off than the other. I've always treated them equally.
So, no YANBU.

tiredoldmum · 26/12/2013 01:25

Yeah I would be upset. It probably isn't the first time you mum has behaved this way.

I never get gifts from anyone anymore.

I recall one year my mum sent me a card for Christmas(just a card) and then rang me up to brag about the new computer, lounge set, etc. she bought for my other sister.

volvocowgirl · 26/12/2013 01:33

My mum spent £260 on me this Christmas, and about £150 on each of my two siblings (we're all adults BTW). They got luxuries though, and I got a fridge freezer - as mine had broken an I couldn't afford a new one myself (and I'm 8mths pregnant so she sees it more of a 'family' gift). She has spent more on me this year but I know if they were in need of something like this she would've given the bit more to them.
Is this a similar present? Does she know you are saving for something practical?

Original poster
findingmymarbles · 26/12/2013 01:39

I saw my sister unwrap it. It still had the tag on as my mum had failed to take it off. As soon as my mother realised she grabbed the present and cut the tag off with the carving knife, showing it to me as in, " can you believe I nearly let her see that?"

I can't say anything without seeming a massive jealous bitch, but actually, I am one.
,
I really really could do with the cash, £200 extra pounds for me makes a massive dent in what I need to move my business forward. Both my parents are more than aware of this, and could afford to help me far more than they do, which is precisely zero. I am far too proud to actually ask, but I feel so sad that they haven't recognise that I could just do with some sort of backing other than glazing over when I talk about my business.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 26/12/2013 01:44

Yanbu.

The way it was handled was verging on passively aggressive unkindness.

My parents have never bent over backwards to spend equal amounts on my sibling and I, but there has never been blatant disparity either.

In your shoes I would be both upset and a bit crushed.

Original poster
findingmymarbles · 26/12/2013 01:44

It's a handbag for my DSis. A blue version of the cream one she already has. Not a fridge, or something she needs.

Am trying, and failing to be magnanimous.
Aargh!!

OP posts:
80sMum · 26/12/2013 01:44

Marbles I think you may have to swallow your pride and talk to your parents about your business and your financial situation. Perhaps they think your business is doing so well that you have no need of additional funds. They won't know what you need unless you tell them.

Original poster
findingmymarbles · 26/12/2013 01:54

The thing is, I don't NEED their help. I can manage on my own. But a small (to them) contribution makes a big difference to me. And it's hard to see them splashing the cash on my sister who is very very comfortably off, while spending 1/5 the amount on me.

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/12/2013 02:15

I can see how that's hurtful. I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do about it. :(

daisychain01 · 26/12/2013 02:34

marbles I would have a quiet word with your mum, just to get it off your chest. It doesnt have to be an angry or upset word, just let her know how you feel and you will be probably able to tell whether it was really intentional (the lack of parity in the amount she gave to each of you, the PA stuff with the label).

Otherwise it will just eat away at you.

Why oh why do parents do this? It creates such a barrier between siblings.

Joysmum · 26/12/2013 07:38

My hubby and his sister used to get gifts of differing value and they both though the other was the favourite.

I remember talking to my MIL about it once and she explained that on the years that each got a lesser gift, it was because she'd given them more help during the year and felt Christmas was one way of addressing the disparity.

It all made perfect sense to her, and was fine in principle, but she never realised that neither of them looked at the bigger picture and was just points scoring about Christmas. So sad that they both didn't trust in their parents love for them and thought their parents weren't fair people.

HermioneWeasley · 26/12/2013 08:24

YANBU To feel hurt

ChancetoDance · 26/12/2013 08:48

My parents are very fair to me and my DSis. I can see five possibilities here (from the POV of my parents)

  • You have a DH and DC, your DSis is single, she spent "your" money on your family. i.e. she spent the same on each of her Dc but yours had to go round your family too.
  • You "needed" something expensive during the year, or she had a great idea for something costly at your birthday, so she's evening things up a bit
  • The bag didn't cost anything like £250 - was greatly reduced, or even a copy, complete with fake price tag!
  • She really didn't like being asked for cash
  • DSis or her DH had contributed part of the present. Last year I wanted a very expensive gadget. Knowing how my mum hates giving cash, I gave her the money I had saved towards it, then she paid the difference and bought it so she would have a gift to wrap for me.

Does she usually get things about even?

EatriskierDrinkAndBeMerry · 26/12/2013 08:48

YANBU to feel hurt at all. My ILs have always ensured that each of their kids gets equal so if they help one out, they gift the other the same amount. I always thought it was odd until I started hearing stories like this. Now I realised they've actually been very clever. My DPs have had it hard as my sister is an Xmas baby so there was always a disparity if you just looked at presents given (quantity and value) around Xmas time. Is there any chance you got a more generous gift for your birthday perhaps just playing devil's advocate here?

foreverondiet · 26/12/2013 09:06

I wonder if she actually paid £250 for it? Maybe it was reduced?

LucyLasticKnickers · 26/12/2013 09:08

it must have been reduced,

what does your dm usually do? is she usually fair?

gamerchick · 26/12/2013 09:09

I very much doubt she paid that much for it.. she would have got it reduced and wanted to show off.

It doesn't matter anyway.. you're an adult and demanding to have the same spent on you as your siblings by your parents is a bit weird man!

saintmerryweather · 26/12/2013 09:13

There was absolutely no need for her to show you the tag. Its not like you googled it to find out the cost of the bag

NearTheWindmill · 26/12/2013 09:18

Have you given up a good salaried job to start a business and do your parents disapprove of that?

I give our older teenagers equal at Christmas.

greenfolder · 26/12/2013 09:28

Was it from tk maxx? My handbag from there was 60 with a price tag of 260! It's a lovely bag but no one would pay 260 for it. What would they usually spend?

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