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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my partner's out with ex's daughter

68 replies

clio51 · 22/11/2013 20:41

My heads all over the place, I've been with my partner 12yrs living together for 10.

The last year he as been contacting his ex's daughter via Facebook and textiles can't understand this as he never bothered for years and now as started going to her house(by the way her mum lives next door,his ex)for birthday drinks and now tonight to the pub for a drink.

I'm I being unreasonable thinking he shouldn't be getting back in touch with things from previous relationships. He brought her up with his ex for 15 yrs but never bothered for the past 17yrs so why know?
I can't reason with him,he doesn't see my side at all.
He told me this morning she'd text and invited him for the drink(not me)
He told me he was going end off.

I'm I wrong in thinking he shouldn't be doing this? Truth please your thoughts

OP posts:

bochead · 22/11/2013 20:45

If he raised her for 15 years, then to all intents and purposes if he's a halfway decent fella he's her Dad. I couldn't raise a child that long and not love them as if they were my own, and I'd jump at any chance to be reunited with them. Neither would I give two hoots what my partner thought, as you can't switch off parental love to order.

in his eyes, she's not a "thing", she's his child!

Unless over the course of your own long relationship with the man he's given you cause to think he has Woody Allen tendencies?

deelite72 · 22/11/2013 20:57

Am I doing the math correctly? She is now 32 and he hasn't seen her or been involved in her life since she was 15? Yes. It's a bit odd. It's complex getting back involved in a child's life, especially when the child is now 32. Maybe invite her over for drinks to yours around Christmas time. Perhaps it's just a case of wanting to rekindle that former relationship, especially since your partner was at one time a father figure. But keep your cool. Don't show any insecurity. Invite her over, try and get to know her (of course make sure it's about you and your partner welcoming her) and you'll know fairly quickly if this is a genuine reunion between a father-figure and step-daughter or not.

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/11/2013 20:59

Well, i think as he raised her as his own for 15 yrs she is pretty much his daughter? I agree 17 yrs is a long time to have no contact, but i don't see an issue if they are back in touch now.

I would have a problem with not being invited though.

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2013 21:06

Did he actually not bother, or was he couldn't force a relationship as she wasn't his child?

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2013 21:07

*was it that

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2013 21:07

Also, why do you think he shouldn't see her?

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 21:08

Yer she is now 39 I think! Or older It's 20 years at least since he last saw her as he was own his own for a few years then in a relationship with another women before me for 3 years then me for past 12 years.

I just think if there was nothing in it why hasn't she invited me? I know she hasn't because he would of asked me to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 21:11

I think she was about 4 when he moved in and she left home at 17 from what I can remember.

OP posts:

ICameOnTheJitney · 22/11/2013 21:14

YABU. My DH's ex has a dd who has a stepdad...the stepdad left when she was 15 and she's still close to him. You can't wipe out years like that...especially her childhood!

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 21:19

I don't want to wipe anything away

I just can't understand why now some 20 odd years later and like I said I've never been invited(not that I would go as I don't have anything in common from their past)

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2013 21:22

You want to be invited on principle but wouldn't go anyway? Grow up.

ThereWasOnceAGirl · 22/11/2013 21:23

Why should you be invited though?

You aren't anything to her. And they need time to catch up on the 17 years and get to know each other again.

It's not all about you.

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 21:31

I suppose I'm thinking if it was my mum's ex partner who lived with us for 13 years. I would be angry that it's took him over 20 years to get back in touch with me. BUT that's me I know he's never saw her from when he left and wasn't in any relationship.

How come he's not wanted to get in touch with the other ex's daughter who he also brought up.

If I'm wrong I hold my hands up!

OP posts:

ThereWasOnceAGirl · 22/11/2013 21:35

You're right that is you.

You've never met this woman and have no idea how shes feeling. Perhaps she realises he was a big part of her life growing up and life is too short to hold grudges?

You are wrong because you seem to be judging this womans intentions, a woman who you've never even set eyes upon.

No-one on MN can answer why he's not intouch with the other daughter. Perhaps you should ask your partner.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2013 21:37

Perhaps she got in touch with him via Facebook?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/11/2013 21:40

What exactly is it about the relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Are you worried she has romantic intentions towards him. (That's a bit gross!)

Or that she might be trying to get him back together with her mum?

Or you just don't like him spending time away from you?

Are you worried she is after money?

It may be easier if you can explain your objection.

To me it seems lovely - she obviously remembers him wi affection and for some reason has decided now is the time to get in touch. (Has her mum just died? Or she become a mum herself? Or a step mum?)

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 21:57

He got in touch with her.
She is married with 3 kids 18,14, and 10 and lives next door to her mum.
He's met the kids and says there lovely girls.

Maybe it's me being insecure, because he has had a few relationships!
Left her mum 3 times and cheated on her. Then his other relationship he was seeing me(which I didn't know he was in at first) I found out and stopped it plus his partner found out and he left. We then got together and he as been jealous about what I do for my son ie, buy him things,drop him off etc

To be honest it's because of her mum and his previous behaviour.
But that's my own fault for my insecurities I suppose.

OP posts:

rabbitlady · 22/11/2013 22:06

he's up to something.

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 22:38

Actually her eldest daughter's 24 same as my son.

He as come back now and I've had to ask him how it was he just said he's had 2 drinks and what did I want to know for its nothing to do with me.
And nothing more said.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 22/11/2013 22:56

If your insecurities and your partners misdemeanours are affecting you to the stage where you think there is likely to be something sexual in two adults re-establishing a relationship after having been in each others lives for a constant 15 years, then you have issues. I don't mean that to come across as flippant as that sounds btw, I just can't imagine drawing the conclusions you seem to be with this situation.

MistressDeeCee · 22/11/2013 22:58

YANBU. She's a grown woman aged 39 - not a girl. If your instincts and gut feeling are telling you there's something wrong then go with it. You know why you feel as you do. After being out of her life for so long, its very strange that suddenly he wants to be back in it, whilst making it very clear that as his DP, you are not to be involved in their reunion at all. Secretive and disrespectul; why wouldnt you feel strange about all this? Its 'nothing to do with you' and 'he is going out with her, end of'.

I very much doubt any woman would be smiling and happy if their DP treated or spoke to them like this. If he refuses to have a conversation about it then, that in itself is an issue too. Why does there have to be a barrier erected regarding this? As his DP, why is it you can't also have a chance to develop a relationship with his ex's daughter? Im not trying to be doom and gloom about this, just saying yes I do believe there is something wrong here and the very least he could do is show you some respect, and have a conversation with you which will put your mind at rest.

Original poster

clio51 · 22/11/2013 23:05

I don't think for a minute there's any thing sexual between them(that's sick)

It's just after so long getting back in touch(but as I've been made aware of tonight that's good thing)

He never chats about it like just now he said it's nothing to do with me end off no more said.

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 22/11/2013 23:29

Could he have said its nothinf to do with you because of your reaction to it all?

I do find it a bit fishy. But at the same time...something may have happened that made him realise life is too short, or something.
If he has kids with you, he might feel guilty as if he is neglecting his SD. And so has tried to strike up a relationship and make up for lost time.

If it was a young child, the father and the mother would agree that until a relationship has been built properly with the outside parent - nobody else should be involved. Especially partners.
It mah sound strange, but i think that is equally important for children when they are adults.
So that could be the case.
After a few weeks/months he will probably introduce you.

Retroformica · 22/11/2013 23:31

I don't know. He parented her for many many years, of course the is a bond. Maybe things were too painful with the ex to continue a relationship years ago.

wontletmesignin · 22/11/2013 23:31

Oh and i dont think you are bu.
I would think you were if you were to give him a hard time over this though

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