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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my partner's out with ex's daughter

68 replies

clio51 · 22/11/2013 20:41

My heads all over the place, I've been with my partner 12yrs living together for 10.

The last year he as been contacting his ex's daughter via Facebook and textiles can't understand this as he never bothered for years and now as started going to her house(by the way her mum lives next door,his ex)for birthday drinks and now tonight to the pub for a drink.

I'm I being unreasonable thinking he shouldn't be getting back in touch with things from previous relationships. He brought her up with his ex for 15 yrs but never bothered for the past 17yrs so why know?
I can't reason with him,he doesn't see my side at all.
He told me this morning she'd text and invited him for the drink(not me)
He told me he was going end off.

I'm I wrong in thinking he shouldn't be doing this? Truth please your thoughts

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/11/2013 23:35

His defensive reactions makes me a bit ....whatever the reason for it is.

wontletmesignin · 22/11/2013 23:35

It would be difficult for anybody to understand i would imagine. Especially as it has happened out of the blue from your pov.
But, that doesnt mean to say its not genuine.

I think the best thing for you to do is support him through this.

If he has got back in touch because he is feelig bad over losing a of those years. Then this will be very hard for him too. Especially meeting his step gc! All kinds of emotions will be floating around him

Original poster

clio51 · 23/11/2013 00:08

We are talking a 59 years old man here!

I don't understand why the secrecy, also he puts his mobile on silent never leaves it around on table etc. Last new years eve he was texting a lady of Facebook and said it was his sister till I asked what she wanted and he stumbled and made up something.I said I'd ring her then after him lying more he told me he was texting this lady.
I couldn't understand why if they spoke on Facebook why they needed to exchange mobile numbers?

So since then my trust with him is questionable, suppose that's why I'm like this now! As he is doing more on his own than ever.
But if I go out he will say where you going, I'm was fed up waiting for you to come back.
maybe I should go out more but that's just childish.

The more I think the more muddled I get

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 00:16

why are you with him if he is making you question so many things? You obviously arent as happy as you should/could be in a relationship.

If he has a past of being unfaithful...from the get go.
He has even then gone on to prove he hasnt changed by texting his 'sister'.

And now it is his step daughter.

Now that you have added that extra info on. I really dont understand why you are still with him

MunchMunch · 23/11/2013 00:16

I think he could be interested in her dm again tbh. If he didn't cheat on people in the past then I would say it's just him rekindling a dad/daughter relationship but it sounds suss to me, sorry.

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 00:19

Do you know for a fact it is his SD he has been in touch with, or are you just going off his word?

Because he has already used his sister. BUt you could contact her ...with SD he has a little more security in the sense that you will not contact her.

AmberLeaf · 23/11/2013 00:26

Sounds fishy.

Original poster

clio51 · 23/11/2013 00:37

After lots of angueing last new year, he made me think I was wrong in him texting another women who he spoke to on Facebook and men have women friends(yes they do but not a secret)he promised to not text her again and that he really loved me etc etc so I put it behind me.

Months on he gets in touch with his ex's daughter(whom she lives next door to) I just find it strange.

Hence my suspicions! He says I'm mental if I question anything but what I am I to think when at one time he never went out to now getting in touch with partners daughter,old school friend,motorbike meetings,won't leave his mobile anywhere. He says it's all in my head
I'm with him because I love him, only now that I am questioning misled

OP posts:

Original poster

clio51 · 23/11/2013 00:42

No I don't know, it's his word that it's the daughter!

I'm I an idiot???

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 23/11/2013 00:44

Parents and children are sometimes estranged and then are reconciled. It's good that reconciliation can happen. Even 17 years on.

I'm not sure this is entirely what is happening here and I don't think this is the problem with your relationship. I don't know what is the problem with your relationship though.

BillyBanter · 23/11/2013 00:45

x post. I don't think I'd trust that this is his SD going by past events.

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 00:49

You are most definitely not an idiot.
I do believe he isnt making himself look innocent.
Especially if you have caught him out before.
It seems to ne like he is making no effort. He expects you to just believe him when you have caught him out before.
And thinks you are unreasonable when he is blatantly acting suspicious.

It seems like he is making you question yourself so he can get away with things.

He should be trying to reassure you, considering he has been known to cheat.
But no..he is blaming you. Saying it is all in your head.

I think you need to really think about whether you can handle a future like this, with this man.
Because from i can see, it doesnt seem to be very healthy for you. You arent happy, and your haappiness does matter.

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 00:54

And from what you have said - it is not in your head. I would also find it suspicious if it were me.

Doinmummy · 23/11/2013 01:06

I think it sounds fishy too. Munch I immediately thought of the mother.

Original poster

clio51 · 23/11/2013 01:08

I've booked an appointment with relate next week, s I'm so confused!!

Like you say he should be reassuring me instead when I question Bromwich I'm entitled to he cleverly makes out I'm mental and it's in my head and says I'm not arguing with you and says I'm going out I'm not listening to this in when he comes back either doesn't speak all night(says he doesn't wan to argue again)or acts like nothings been said and sweeps it under the carpet. We never get anywhere,because he doesn't agree what I say and I don't agree with his vue.

So confused at 56 I don't need all these issues going through my head.

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 01:12

You are right. You dont need all of this. You shouldnt be worrying about things like this.

Especially about somebody who wont even listen to how you are feeling!
I hope you manage to get things clear in your head, and decide on what is best for YOU.

I am sure what ever you do decide, mumsnetters will be here to support you.

Try and get some sleep. Good luck xx

Original poster

clio51 · 23/11/2013 01:15

Thanks guys I am near to tears right now. I thought I was paranoid as he calls me!!!

Off to bed now xxx

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 23/11/2013 01:51

Good luck at Relate. I hope it provides you with a good space to sort out your thoughts.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 23/11/2013 03:37

You don't need a counsellor you need your own house & life.

They all say 'You're just paranoid'.

PoppyFleur · 23/11/2013 08:12

Seeing his step daughter is not the crux of your problem, it's the state of your relationship. Relate sounds like an excellent idea and will help you in getting your thoughts straight.

Good luck.

bochead · 23/11/2013 10:36

Is he gaslighting you generally?

I wouldn't be happy being spoken to like that. However I still think the SD is a symptom, not a cause of summat deeper that's wrong iyswim.

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 10:56

How are things today, Op? Hope you managed to get some sleep!

waltermittymissus · 23/11/2013 11:25

He's gaslighting you.

And there must a reason.

Tread carefully with Relate. Manipulates and abusers have a horrible knack of turning counselling sessions to their advantage.

Ursula8 · 23/11/2013 11:50

I had an ex who insisted on staying in contact with his ex's adult daughter, even though they had never even lived together!!! After we split I found out that she (the ex) had a restraining order on him!!!! He was seeing the adult daughter as a way of keeping tabs and staying close to the ex, who he had clearly never got over.
Bloody creepy!
Trust your gut OP. He doesn't sound like a nice man. I would flush him.

Original poster

clio51 · 23/11/2013 13:23

Hi
Thanks for all your replay and time.

A lot is going through my mind last night and today as you can imagine.
I don't want you to think I'm some sado woman who can't stand up for herself because I'm nothing like that.

My ex husband cheated on me after 10 years and we had a 4 year old, then I was naive and it never ever entered my head that this man who constantly told me he loved me could do this to me.it was very easy for him because he was a bus driver on shifts so said he was doing overtime and went out to snooker(or as I thought back then).
So to stay out all night,come home at 8am and say you have been with a girl all night to say my world fell apart was nothing.

So this is why after 12/13 years together and his new thing(voluntary redundancy) in wanting to go and do things is a little weird as he never bothered or at least showed he was bothered doing anything. As we have got older we just stay in and have a glass of wine take out.

I don't know what to do or how to go about it, or will only time tell or wait for the next outing and see.
Today he hasn't mentioned last night,carried on in his normal routine and asked are we going out this afternoon. Still getting hold off me and kissed me as norm.

Thanks again, xx

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