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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To return the favour to my DSis this Christmas?

41 replies

NorfolkInGood · 11/11/2013 16:14

Last year I put a lot of time and effort into getting my DSis a gift card for Christmas as she never buys herself new clothes. I received on Christmas Day a picture that had been made by me DN at school and that's it. It's also my birthday a couple of weeks after Christmas and last year she didnt send me a card which I was quite upset about. My DP asked her and she said she'd posted one yet when one arrived a week later the stamp was dated the day after my DP has spoken to her. It's her birthday around that time too so I made sure I sent her a card and gift well in advance.

So my question is, do I not bother getting her anything this year on Christmas/Birthday?. I don't want to feel how I felt again this year. She doesn't work yet her and her partner still manage to go to the pub whenever possible.

Apologies for rambling

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 11/11/2013 16:17

You should never give a gift if you expect something in return. If it's bothering you that she doesn't give you something in return then don't give her something. Is she a good sister to you otherwise?

amyshellfish · 11/11/2013 16:21

How much time and effort does it take to get someone a gift card?

Original poster

NorfolkInGood · 11/11/2013 16:21

It's not the giving a gift to expect one back. I don't understand why she wouldn't get me a gift or even a card on my birthday. We get on but don't see each other often enough. It's normally me that goes to see her 9 times out of 10.

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 11/11/2013 16:22

I wouldnt bother.

BackforGood · 11/11/2013 16:22

LoL at the phrase "I put a lot of time and eff into getting my dearsis a giftcard"

Original poster

NorfolkInGood · 11/11/2013 16:24

I asked her what she wanted when the normal family tradition is to buy a totally random crap present. I asked my DM what she'd like too so there's the effort. I found out what her favourite shop was too from her DP. That enough?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/11/2013 16:24

Sorry but you sound about 5 years old.

Give a gift if you want to give one.

But tit for tat buying is ridiculous.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/11/2013 16:30

With the birthday card last year she might have posted one and then posted another after she spoke to your DP hence the date on the frank mark. It's not that unusual for cards to go missing especially around Xmas time.

With the Christmas present perhaps she can't afford to spend too much on adult relatives. I think a lot of people are in that position. I think a lot of people would say a homemade gift is actually more thoughtful.

YoniMitchell · 11/11/2013 16:30

If you're going to give a gift, do it graciously. If you're doing it to get something back then don't bother.

I'm also a bit about the time and effort needed for a gift card. Asking a question is hardly a massive effort for most.

AlexaChelsea · 11/11/2013 16:31

Not really a higeeffort, Jesus.

If you'd asked all those questions, got her dress size, looked at things she might like, spent ages in her favourite store and chosen some clothing for her, effort.

Buying a gift card isn't effort.

Original poster

NorfolkInGood · 11/11/2013 16:32

So I'm childish and unthoughtful. Thanks for your help!

OP posts:

AlexaChelsea · 11/11/2013 16:33

No, you are just confused about thoughtfulness.

You think buying someone a gift card is going to a lot of time and effort. It isn't.

ChipAndSpud · 11/11/2013 16:36

I'd just get a token present eg chocolates or smelliest and a card and not expect anything in return.

I don't think giving is about receiving, however it does feel a bit shit to get nothing in return!

EldritchCleavage · 11/11/2013 16:38

Actually, why not just ask her what she wants to do, either agree not to exchange birthday and Christmas presents and cards, do cards only, or to do it with e.g. a price limit? Just bring it out into the open. Better than coded messages via gifts, silences etc, honestly.

noblegiraffe · 11/11/2013 16:39

I give a thoughtful gift because I want to give a thoughtful gift, not because I'm grabby about what I might get in return. In fact I don't give a toss if I get a present.

You apparently see gift buying as a reciprocal arrangement, therefore as she didn't reciprocate to your satisfaction, feel free to cross her off your list.

PresidentServalan · 11/11/2013 16:42

And actually you sound a bit grabby - you obviously didn't even appreciate your DN making you a card

Aniseeda · 11/11/2013 16:43

I'd not get her anything.

Not in a vindictive way but, as she obviously isn't bothered by the whole thing, why upset yourself.

Perhaps you could talk to her and say you are thinking of just buying for the children in future. She'll probably be quite relieved.

Corygal · 11/11/2013 16:53

I don't think you sound that silly - no, I wouldn't get her anything again. If she wants to foist her DCs works of art on you, foist yours right back with a simper. Don't spend anything.

Strumpetron · 11/11/2013 16:56

How much time and effort does it take to get someone a gift card?

I was going to say this.

And your sister might not have any money? Have you thought that maybe she couldn't afford something nice?

Pancakeflipper · 11/11/2013 16:57

Giggling at great effort to buy a gift card.

Now I love a gift card and my BIL always sends me one, but I doubt he's laid there awake a night, searching the internet, pounding the highstreet to get me the perfect gift card.

persimmon · 11/11/2013 16:58

I've actually been a little miffed in the past when friends haven't sent a card or gift for my DS when I sent one to their DC. They aren't hard up particularly, presumably they couldn't be bothered/forgot, which is a bit hurtful.
A lot of woe will be avoided if you just ask your sis whether she wants to bother with gifts this year. Job done.

GreenShadow · 11/11/2013 16:59

No you're not grabby at all OP. I have every sympathy with your situation.

I would suggest, that if you can afford it, you go on giving her a gift and card as she is one of your closest relations and it is a nice thing to do for someone you care about.
If you can't, then perhaps now is the time to discus with her whether it would be sensible to stop buying for each other and just buy for children.

Original poster

NorfolkInGood · 11/11/2013 17:00

Grabby too? thanks. I just find it weird why you wouldn't buy a close relative a gift for Birthday all of a sudden? but that appears to be normal nowadays according to here?.

I'd do anything for my Dsis and we have been through a hell of a lot and I think all this stems from not getting anything for my birthday whether it being a card, gift or even a phone call. I know she didn't send a card before my DP asked her if she had.

OP posts:

Scrounger · 11/11/2013 17:00

I used to have this with my SIL, at Christmas I would try to find out what she wanted, put some thought and effort in in getting things for her, her DH and DS. She would forget to get my DH (her brother) or me anything but would get her ILs and other family members presents. This year she didn't get my DTs anything for their birthday in the summer. We got her DS birthday presents (a week or so after my DTs birthday).

I know everyone says don't give presents to receive them but it is awful to think that she cares so little about her brother and his family that she either doesn't bother or is very late with it. She has no problems financially and we would get such cats bum face if we didn't get her DS something (not that I would do that, it isn't fair on him) but it feels as though she expects a higher standard from others that she herself doesn't achieve. I have now suggested that we limit presents for adults and leave it to DH to sort it out. Talk to her and suggest token presents or something, cut out the stress and the expense for everyone.

Original poster

NorfolkInGood · 11/11/2013 17:01

I'm out, the trolling over a gift card is too tiresome to justify without going on forever. Glad some of you have had a laugh and some fun.

OP posts:

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