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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to sleep in the same room as my DH...

46 replies

Doodledumdums · 21/10/2013 00:48

...Until he actively does something about his snoring?

It has been going on for three years and has been SO much worse over the past year. I'm returning to work in 6 weeks from mat leave, and just can't face anymore broken nights of sleep. His snoring keeps me awake more than our baby!

This really isn't good for our relationship as it makes me dread going to bed with him and makes me angry in the night because I constantly get woken up and consequently am tired.

I have been nice about it so far as I know he isn't doing it on purpose, but it is almost 1am and I have been kept awake since we went to bed at 11, amd I have just moved to the spare room AGAIN, and I know DS will get me up in a couple of hours and I am tired. Even in the spare room I can hear him!

Would I be unreasonable to refuse to sleep in the same room until he actually goes to seek advice about the snoring? I'm fed up with empty promises that he will do something about it as he never does!

OP posts:
CharityFunDay · 21/10/2013 00:50

If you are sleep-deprived at such a crucial time in your life, then I don't think YABU.

But I suspect a combination of ear-plugs (for you) and anti-snoring strips (for him) might prevent what could otherwise be seen as a pretty drastic step.

glenthebattleostrich · 21/10/2013 00:54

Have him go to the docs and get checked for sleep apnea.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/10/2013 00:55

No you have to, for your own health. If he won't face up to it record or video him on soundcloud.

I ended up in hospital with cluster migraines - no idea of the cause. Until months later when I woke up grinding my teeth until one of them cracked - the noise of the snoring was causing stress during sleeping.

He must be exhausted too - it's not a sound sleep.

Dh got a mouth guard but it falls out, or you hear him snoring around it and the bloody thing sucking in and out with cold air whistling down your neck through the blow hole.

I dread holidays sometimes - we book two rooms and I sleep with DS, or leave my headphones on all night.

I sleep a few nights in my own cosy bed - I love it!

lifesgreatquestions · 21/10/2013 00:58

The health of your relationship might also depend on this as it might leave you angry and resentful over time!

lookingfoxy · 21/10/2013 00:59

Yanbu I can only sleep in the same room as dp if ive had some alcohol !!
Snoring is horrendous and gp wont help.

Original poster
Doodledumdums · 21/10/2013 01:06

We've tried ear plugs and nasal strips but they do absolutely nothing Sad

I have recorded him, but he seems to think it is funny. It really isn't!

It is so bad tonight that even in the spare room I am being kept awake. If he doesn't stop soon then i'll have to sleep downstairs on the sofa.

I really need him to go to the GP.

Glad you got to the bottom of your migraines, sounds horribe for you Sad

OP posts:
Funghoul · 21/10/2013 01:16

My dad was bad and in the end my mum recorded him. He eventually went to the doctors and he had operations. The first was to cauterise his nose and the second was to have his throat lasered. It did work but obviously these are drastic steps to take.

500internalerror · 21/10/2013 01:18

I empathise entirely - why do you think I'm awake right now? Hmm

I've got nothing helpful to say - but I'm following this thread in the desperate hope of a magic cure. Throat spray failed, mouth guard thing failed, variety of sleeping positions failed. I'm thinking of moving into one of the kids rooms permanently.

I haven't had more than 4 hours consecutive sleep in 10 years, & it's usually about 2.5 hours Hmm

Reading that comment below, in now wondering if dh could have anything to do with the severe headaches I've been getting....

Bogeyface · 21/10/2013 01:42

The selfishness of the "its not my problem" snorer really pisses me off.

My dad used to be like this until my mum talked about redecorating "her bedroom". It wasnt until then that he realised she had checked out of their bedroom permanently. It was only then that he saw the doctor, he had nasal surgery as he had (sorry, cant remember the medical name for it) a bend in a nasal bone that caused the problem. He has said many times since that he wishes he had done it years ago as the change in mum when they could go to bed together and both get a good nights sleep made him realise how bad it was.

The time for nice has passed, you have to be harsh. Dont move into the spare, tell him that until he sees the doctor, he must sleep there. Why the hell should you have to move out?

No it isnt his fault that he snores, but it damned well is his fault that he is doing fuck all about it. Tell him that unless he sorts it out you will not be able to go back to work as you are so sleep deprived and so how does he plan to support your family?

Stop being kind, get angry and stay angry until he stops being so selfish.

MiniMonty · 21/10/2013 01:48

YANBU but... did he never snore before you were pregnant or became parents - and why has it become "SO much worse" over the past year?

Normal sleep won't (generally) lead to snoring. But alcohol will, exhaustion will and stress will.

Before you point the gun consider his everyday life at the moment with a new mother (grouchy... Intolerant... overprotective... controlling... liable to manic episodes... defensive/aggressive...) and how HE might be feeling day in day out. It's not only you who's just become a parent...

And of course it's worth asking if he's having a crafty snifter or two before bed?

PigletJohn · 21/10/2013 02:03

you have tried rolling him over every time he wakes you?

Bogeyface · 21/10/2013 02:09

So its the OPs fault he is snoring! Sooooo obvious now you point it out!

Prat.

SecretWitch · 21/10/2013 02:25

It is wretched, isn't it? My husband snored so loudly he woke our baby up. I began to dread the nights, knowing my sleep would constantly disrupted. One night I actually rolled him out of bed when I tried pushing him off his back. He finally saw GP, had sleep study done and received a cpap machine. His little black machine has been a game changer for us.

It is not fair for you to have your sleep ruined by his snoring. He needs to seek help for this issue..Flowers

CuriosityCola · 21/10/2013 02:41

What a delightful description of a new mother monty. Hmm

The snoring could be due to a range of reasons, but the dh needs to take responsibility for it. Yanbu op.

Sunnysummer · 21/10/2013 02:43

YANBU, especially when he refuses to at least look at options. It's not good for his health either, is he just being selfish or is he nervous about the doctor?

As you said it has got worse, has he gained weight or started having a few drinks in the evening over the past year or so? DH is normally not too bad, but when he gains a few pounds he often starts again, and always after even a glass of wine Hmm

tigerfrog · 21/10/2013 03:06

I spent years having the same problem with my DH. I couldn't even sleep in the spare room as it was so loud and also dreaded holidays! Until he lost weight!! He did lose a lot but he did need to! There were so many benefits to the weight lose, no more snoring is top of my list.

mlamle · 21/10/2013 03:52

A friend of mine wrote this piece for the Guardian, re. sleep apnoea - maybe worth showing to DH?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/sep/22/sleep-apnoea-made-me-feel-dying

daisychain01 · 21/10/2013 05:37

A couple of suggestions which have massively improved things for DH

  • lose some weight, overweight esp round the jaw area constrists the airways
  • a pillow wedge which slightly elevates the head neck and torso. This was for acid reflux originally, but big additional benefit was that his breathing is so much better

He sleeps, I sleep, happy campers

Hope it helps

myBOYSareBONKERS · 21/10/2013 05:44

I I had the same issues with my Dh. He hated me going in the spare room but for my own sanity I had to.

I did try going back once..... and woke him up every time he snored. He asked me to go back to the spare room that night as HE was so tired from me waking him.

Dh has lost so much weight now that he doesn't snore.

MrsMook · 21/10/2013 05:47

My DH is banned from using a pillow as that bends his neck and makes him much worse. I can predict when he's going to have a bad night now, usually a pint of cider, or exhaustion will trigger my rib poking nights.

It's not fair that he will do nothing and let you suffer, especially when you've recorded it to demonstrate.

DH's collegue had no idea he had sleep apnea until he had a mystery car accident from falling asleep momentarily at the wheel because of the tiredness triggered by the condition. It's now well managed.

gnittinggnome · 21/10/2013 05:59

I can relate, a little - my dh used to be a terrible snorer, and still can be. However, I've trained him a little bit, so if he starts to snore before I am asleep I click my fingers a couple of times - this wakes him up slightly, so he stops snoring for a few minutes. This gives me time to fall asleep. Obviously not an immediate solution for you. This was after he'd sought medical advice re cauterising his soft palate and having a nose job ( lived overseas, too expensive). But yes, he must move to spare room until he sees a Dr. Bloody selfish of him.

goingmadinthecountry · 21/10/2013 06:40

Not remotely unreasonable - I've been awake since 4.45 after a broken night's sleep. Really feeling like a full on Monday at work now (wd normally move to the sofa but we have teenagers sleeping over so would rather not!)

Drives me to tears I hate it so much.

CreatureRetorts · 21/10/2013 06:52

YANBU

Monty you have no idea what it's like living with a snorer.

OP, my DH was like this and I definitely had the "I want to kill you" feeling come bedtime. It was worse when I was sleep deprived. He finally, after years of complaining, went to the GP and had a sleep survey thing done which ruled out sleep apnoe (sadly) so I survive by rolling him as soon as he starts which stops it for a bit.
Ear plugs are a no as I wouldn't hear the DCs when they woke.

MegaClutterSlut · 21/10/2013 07:28

YANBU I quite often go downstairs to sleep on the sofa it would be quieter trying to sleep at a train station Hmm

I read not long ago a woman was getting arrested for attempted murder for stabbing her husband due to his snoring, although obviously I would never do this although I've had moments it does make you "ragey" and your on edge trying hard to go to sleep because you know they're going to start snoring any second

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