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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to sleep in the same room as my DH...

46 replies

Doodledumdums · 21/10/2013 00:48

...Until he actively does something about his snoring?

It has been going on for three years and has been SO much worse over the past year. I'm returning to work in 6 weeks from mat leave, and just can't face anymore broken nights of sleep. His snoring keeps me awake more than our baby!

This really isn't good for our relationship as it makes me dread going to bed with him and makes me angry in the night because I constantly get woken up and consequently am tired.

I have been nice about it so far as I know he isn't doing it on purpose, but it is almost 1am and I have been kept awake since we went to bed at 11, amd I have just moved to the spare room AGAIN, and I know DS will get me up in a couple of hours and I am tired. Even in the spare room I can hear him!

Would I be unreasonable to refuse to sleep in the same room until he actually goes to seek advice about the snoring? I'm fed up with empty promises that he will do something about it as he never does!

OP posts:

Sillyshell · 21/10/2013 08:02

I feel your pain! Dh and I had rarely spent a night in the same room for 7 years until he lost some weight. Although he does still snore occasionally now I can block it out with ear plugs. He needs to take it seriously, especially if you are considering leaving him because of it.

Ragwort · 21/10/2013 08:08

I can hardly bear to sleep in the same room as my DH either - it's not snoring but he likes the window closed, extra thick curtains, heavy duvet - I just can't sleep it's so uncomfortable (to me) - also I wake in the night and like to read but obviously that is not fair. I don't know what the answer is, I think if you have the space (and we do ) it is much more civilised to have separate bedrooms but DH complained last night that he would rather we shared a bedroom. Don't know what the answer is .

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 21/10/2013 08:18

Ragwort, if your DH would rather you shared, what is he prepared to change? Thinner duvet and extra warm pjs for him, or electric blanket/lambs wool under blanket on his side of the bed only?

Original poster

Doodledumdums · 21/10/2013 08:41

Thank you for all of your replies

DH doesn't drink (well, extremely rarely anyway! We never have alcohol in the house.), and isn't overweight. Actually, he has got a lot fitter and healthier in the last year which is odd as you would think that would help!

Maybe it hasn't actually got worse, it may be that my tolerance has gone down as we've got a baby now and sleep is more crucial and sporadic? So when our baby is asleep I want to take advantage of the opportunity to sleep, but I can't because he wakes me.

Sorry to hear that there are others in the same position, it is really rubbish isn't it?

He isn't worried about going to the GP, but he's just lazy and can't be bothered to arrange it. He has another issue that he needs to see the GP about and has done for over a year, but he has been once and the treatment he got didn't work and now he can't be bothered to go back. He's lovely, but seriously lazy!

I don't want to leave him over it, I just need him to realise how bad it is and make an effort to do something about it. If i'm going back to work in 6 weeks (which I really really don't want to do), and am going to have to get up at 6am every day, then work all day, then come come and look after DS and the house, then the least he can do is allow me some sleep! At the moment we have a spare room, but we may not in the future as I don't think we can afford to always have a spare bedroom when we have more children, as that would involve buying a bigger house which we can't do.

Grrrr! I'm going to make him get an appointment to see his GP, and threaten to sleep in the spare room forever more if he doesn't.

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/10/2013 09:05

To be fair he should be sleeping in the spare room.

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2013 09:42

I have the same problem. I'm sleeping with baby DS at the moment but that can't go on forever.

He seems to think its his sinuses and the dr have spray at first & said to go back if it didn't work - he seems to think he needs them drained.

I'm going to get on at him this week I think.

Although after reading montys post perhaps it's all my own fault. Who knows!

Moche · 21/10/2013 09:47

Sorry, in a rush so haven't read all the posts - but please get your OH along to the doctor. They will refer him. He can then get fitted up with a c-pap (sp?) which is a mask of sorts. It's not the comfiest thing for him, but worth it: No more snoring.

Aha, his reluctance to visit GP noted. In that case, he needs to sleep in the spare room. There is something very easy and practical that he can do. It iS NOT FAIR ON YOU.

Ginocchio · 21/10/2013 10:09

I'd second Wally 's point - if he's not willing to do something about it, he should at least be sleeping in the spare room. At the moment, it doesn't affect him at all: if he has to go into the other room then maybe it'll spur him on to go & see the GP about it.

BTW if you can afford it, you could go & see an ENT consultant privately for about £200. This way he'd avoid the waiting lists that could dissuade him from getting treatment.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 21/10/2013 10:13

Yanbu.
I kicked my 'D'H out our bed years ago because of his snoring. He's been on the sofa ever since. I told him straight, there's no way on earth I'm suffering because he wouldn't do anything about it.
Eventually he went to the docs for a routine check up and he mentioned his snoring and how exchusted he always is.
After having loads of tests and an overnight stay at a sleep clinic he was fitted with a apoena face mask (kids call it Dads trunk ).
He also found out his blood pressure was sky high so is now on pills for that.
He no longer snores and the change in him has been amazing.
I think you need to boot him out your room so he realises just how tired you feel.
I really can't see why parents just put up with snorers..no way would I have lost sleep.

CrispyFB · 21/10/2013 10:13

My DH has been to the GP (different locations as we moved) twice. Twice now they have told him to go away and come back if it stays bad and of course he never does. It's been like it since I met him! He is very fit and healthy and not overweight, there's an obvious issue. Whatever it is is clearly obstructing his throat. It's usually better on his side but not always.

I have no idea what to do to convince a GP to refer him to a sleep clinic. Doesn't help that it has taken years to convince DH to go twice as he is definitely of the "not my problem" persuasion too so I'm sure he minimises the issue when he talks to the GP.

I feel your pain, OP, I really do. I'm due in March with DC4 and he is going in the spare room at that point unless he sorts it by then.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 21/10/2013 10:16

Kick him out.. It's his problem so he should go to the other room

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2013 10:18

I'd never thought of making him see someone privately.

That's a good idea.

Lj8893 · 21/10/2013 10:21

I feel your pain and my dp isn't even that bad a snorer!!

He has random nights where his snoring can be bad, but that's usually related to a stressful/tiring day or alcohol.

The biggest problem I have with him is that he takes up so much room in bed, I like my space but I am always sleeping right on the edge as he always rolls over to "my side". It drives me mad!!!

TravelinColour · 21/10/2013 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/10/2013 10:22

Doodledumdums If he finds it funny to listen to can you put it on at bedtime so he can enjoy the joke of trying to get to sleep to it?

Ragwort We have a quilt that you can adjust the warmth of it for either side. Currently dh (freaky hot person) has 4.5 tog and I (freaky cold person) have 13.5 tog. It has been brilliant as until now dh used to wake up hot so kick the duvet off, then I wake up cold and pull it back on etc etc

KirstyJC · 21/10/2013 10:22

My DH did this - snored really badly and refused to go to the GPs.

I was so cross that kicked him out of the bedroom and after one month of him sleeping on the settee he realised that I meant it, and finally went to the docs. He did a sleep test, was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and prescribed a nasal spray. It worked really well, although he stopped using it after a month as it gave him nosebleeds. He has been much better since though, and if he has a cold then he just moves onto the settee again with no further argument.

OP - it is him causing the disturbance, it should be him that sleeps in the spare room or on the settee. Maybe then he'll realise you're being serious. And it is really mean of him to think it's funny - you being seriously sleep deprived and feeling horrible - that's funny? Nice!

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2013 10:26

Was it alamays? That's what DP has.

He hardly used it. This thread is giving me some resolve!

wigglybeezer · 21/10/2013 10:31

My DH stopped snoring when he lost about a stone on weight, he didn't look overweight and his BMI was still just below offically overweight but he had developed a wee pot belly ( ie he used to find a 30 " waist a bit loose but was finding 32" a bit tight). Crucially he was also finding medium sized shirts far too tight around the neck. In his case loosing just a little weight round the neck made a huge difference. Being fit made no difference at all until he also lost that crucial stone in weight.

wigglybeezer · 21/10/2013 10:34

By the way, a holiday in Germany has convinced me that separate single duvets on a double bed are the way to go, preferably with one of those huge beds made by having two single matresses side by side ( we are saving up as, although DH has stopped snoring, I still sleep like a starfish and steal the duvet!).

Original poster

Doodledumdums · 21/10/2013 21:33

Thank you for sharing your experiences everyone

Update: DH has offered to sleep in the spare room until he speaks to his GP and hopefully gets something sorted out. He offered to get some nasal spray, but this is pointless as it has never worked before. He was very sheepish and apologetic this morning, and has been creeping all day!

OP posts:

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 21/10/2013 22:04

I have recorded him, but he seems to think it is funny. It really isn't!

No, it really isn't.
To add my experiences, my OH used to snore terribly, it turned out that he had nasal polyps. I went with him to the GP who disputed my idea, but it turned out to be the cause of his problems, well, that and the fact he had a misshaped bone in his nose too, so that was all corrected at the same time.

We also have a hot/cold thing going on, but that's not so tricky to sort out.

ragwort I suffer from insomnia and like to read, so I got a very small tablet/ereader which is a total godsend to be honest. I read or go online and don't disturb my other half.

We all need our sleep, so we have to find out what causes the problems and how to address them.

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