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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re DD (9) wetting herself

39 replies

HipHopHooray · 17/10/2013 20:04

I am really grumpy about this but need a reality check before I complain!!

DD (9) played in a netball match yesterday after school. The netball court is on the school grounds but is a short walk from the buildings. About half an hour into the match she needed the loo, but was told she was not allowed to walk back to the building by herself (there were people inside, so just the walk that was the problem). She was told to wee in a bush if she needed to go. As the rest of the team heard this and laughed, she declined. Half an hour later she wet herself. She hid it well so no-one noticed, but she felt totally humiliated and has only just managed to tell me so I can wash her games kit.

I asked her whether she was told she wouldn't be able to go once they were playing and she is adamant she wasn't told.

So AIBU to complain?

OP posts:
Fleta · 17/10/2013 20:08

No I don't think you're being unreasonable, your poor daughter.

In primary school children there should always - in this situation - be someone on hand to escort children to the loo if they need it.

I'd be fuming too. And actually I don't think it would make it any different if they had been told they couldn't go to the loo once they'd started playing.

Original poster
HipHopHooray · 17/10/2013 20:30

Thank you - she really is mortified :( I'll pop in for a whinge tomorrow.

OP posts:
Fleta · 17/10/2013 20:34

Poor love. Presumably it isn't a usual thing?

I would also point out that at 9 years old it wouldn't be unusual for a girl to need a loo for menstruation related reasons. Not allowing a child access to the loo is unkind.

Original poster
HipHopHooray · 17/10/2013 20:40

She hasn't had an accident for about 5 years - she feels humiliated and has taken a LOT of convincing there is nothing to be ashamed of.....Hadn't even thought re menstruation but you're right......

OP posts:
moldingsunbeams · 17/10/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilacroses · 17/10/2013 20:58

If it helps her at all my Dd did this a few times up till the age of 9. She would get worried about asking to go to the loo and then it would be too late. It IS embarrassing for them at that age. How awful of them to not have some contingency plan for kids needing the toilet!

Lilacroses · 17/10/2013 20:59

And you are right Fleta, my Dd did start her periods at 9 poor kid!

MortifiedAdams · 17/10/2013 21:01

The poor love! Being told to pee behind a bush in a school? That is totally unacceptable.

FalseWidow · 17/10/2013 21:02

That's terrible OP I'd be complaining too!

phantomnamechanger · 17/10/2013 21:03

I am amazed that she was told to wee in a bush, on school grounds with loos on site, it's not a bloomin field trip or something out in the wilds. Ew!

Poor thing - cheer her up with a story about me and my friend at brownie camp, in the 3 legged race, both desperate for a pee, in a cubicle fighting over who would go first as we could not get our feet untied, and BOTH ending up peeing ourselves!

atomicyoghurt · 17/10/2013 21:04

No YANBU this is dreadful not only not allowing access to the toilets, but suggesting that she wees in the bush? When is it OK for a teacher to suggest that a child removes their underclothes in a 'public' place. Never, that's when. OK maybe there's a history of lots of kids skipping out of PE to go to the toilet or something but for someone to wet themselves? Your poor daughter I would go and give them hell!

Original poster
HipHopHooray · 17/10/2013 21:12

Glad to hear I'm not overreacting. I keep wondering what they would have said if it wasn't just a wee!! Her class teacher is lovely so I think I will pop in and have words tomorrow....

OP posts:
YourHandInMyHand · 17/10/2013 21:18

Did a teacher seriously tell a 9 year old to go pee in a bush!? Shock

Your DD has nothing to feel ashamed about, I hope she feels less embarrassed after chatting with you about it the poor thing.

Was it a teacher or a sports coach from out of school? I only ask as my DS (and several other pupils) had issues with a sports coach who visits various schools in the area. He is no longer welcome at my son's primary but still teaches in others. I just wondered as I can't imagine most primary teachers suggesting a child pees in a bush!!

There should be provisions for toilet visits and enough staff to cover that. Hope school make some changes after this.

Strumpetron · 17/10/2013 21:20

That's awful! I'd say something to the school. The poor thing. I don't think they realise that when people need to pee, they need to pee. Wetting yourself can often be something that plays on your mind for a while! Hope she's okay OP

marriedinwhiteisback · 17/10/2013 21:27

Dreadful. Terribly unkind. I would be putting it in writing. I hope your dd is OK now.

quoteunquote · 17/10/2013 21:34

How would any adult feel being made to wet themselves,

I really hate (and I don't use that word often) when adults do things to children they would never allow to happen to another adult,

If they didn't have an adult that could accompany the child to the loo, then don't run the activity,

It is the same with assault in schools, for some reason it OK to punch a child in the face, kick them to the ground and scare the living daylights out of them, yet if it happened to an adult, the police would be called instantly.

Your daughter must be really upset, make sure it never happens again and she gets a proper apology.

manicinsomniac · 17/10/2013 22:33

children at the school where I teach 'aren't allowed' to go to the loo during games or match times because there are no spare staff to take them up and they can be up to a 10 minute walk away from the nearest loos (very, very large grounds of a rural prep school).

However, if it is a case of 'please, I'm so desperate I'm going to wet myself' then we let them go. I do worry about them the whole time they're gone though so I can see why the teacher might have said no. Did she ask more than once? That's a sign to me that they're serious rather than just needing a skive.

Abbierhodes · 17/10/2013 22:39

manicinsomniac, what about the ones that are too embarrassed to say, "I'm going to wet myself"? What happens to them?

manicinsomniac · 17/10/2013 22:40

I don't get the outrage over being told to pee in a bush though. I get that it shouldn't be necessary on school grounds but this comment: When is it OK for a teacher to suggest that a child removes their underclothes in a 'public' place. Never, that's when. is a bit hysterical.

I have often told children from age 7ish to 13 to go and find a bush when on school trips to the beach, hiking or outdoor pursuits. We can be well out of easy walking distance from any toilets for hours at a time. They also don't need to remove their underwear to have a quick wee!

manicinsomniac · 17/10/2013 22:42

Abbierhodes - I don't know, I've never come across a child like that. Body language normally helps you work out how desperate it is though.

SaucyJack · 17/10/2013 22:43

It's unacceptable. What if she'd needed a number two for starters?

manicinsomniac · 17/10/2013 22:46

Plus, even the ones who do say it probably aren't serious, they just really really want to get out of the lesson or don't fancy holding it and rely on us not quite daring to risk saying no. We're never out on the games field for more than an hour and a half and our 7 and 8 year olds stay near the school, only the 9+ year olds walk to the main fields. Surely every parent takes their child to places where there is no toilet access for that length of time without worrying? So the situation is 99.9% hyothetical anyway, it's highly unlikely to ever happen - hence why there's a thread about it when it does!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 17/10/2013 23:17

manicinsomniac, many children and young people have health problems which mean that when they need the toilet, they need it now. Often they dont want to have to tell everyone about it including teachers. Just like adults, children and young people should be allowed that privacy.

Parents expect that children at school will be able to get to the toilet if they need to.

Or does the attitude that they have to try and hang on/go in a bush/risk soiling themselves mean that all the children and young people with:

  • Crohn's
  • Colitis
  • Coeliac disease
  • IBS
  • Chronic bladder problems

should be made to do silent reading in the library rather than inconvenience anybody with their toilet needs.

Purplefrogshoe · 17/10/2013 23:32

YNBU i would be furious! My DD has just started school and wet herself on the first day as they didnt allow her to go to the toilet even though they know she has kidney problems, i was fuming but she now gets to go anytime she needs, i hope yout DD is ok

manicinsomniac · 17/10/2013 23:45

of course not worrysigh but, realistically, there is no way that a primary school aged child is going to suffer from a medical condition and the teachers not know about it. I know every relevant health detail of every child in my classes because their parents make very sure that I do.

All the parents at our school come to watch sports fixtures. They all know how long the walk is because they have to walk it themselves. If there's a problem then we are told.

Do you really think a teacher can't deal with things like this? Of course we can! But, unfortunately, there will always be very rare cases of older children wetting themselves at school because teachers cannot predict it happening. You wouldn't expect it to happen to a 9 year old in the space of a lesson or a sports match so you can't prepare for it.

Surely you don't all let every junior aged child out of the classroom to go to the loo the second they ask? I'm one of the most relaxed teachers I know about letting them go (mainly because I do worry about accidents) but I think nothing of asking them to wait until I have finished teaching time or, if there are fewer than 20 minutes left, to wait till the end of the lesson. If they ask again (genuinely desperate ime) or instantly plead that they're desperate (less likely to be genuine but could be) then I let them go straightaway. But the OP doesn't mention a second request so I'm not inclined to villify the teacher for a very rare and unpredictable accident in an older child.