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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad had died. Will I ever feel ok again?

92 replies

dollywashers · 17/10/2013 18:18

My dad died yesterday. I'd love to hear from other people who have lost a parent if life can ever be the same again. I feel distraught. How do people go on living normal lives after something so heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 17/10/2013 18:21

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad Flowers

I lost my dad over 20 years ago and it does get better. I now remember him with nostalgia rather than sadness.

MaidOfStars · 17/10/2013 18:22

So sorry to hear this. I have not been in your position but I think it's too early for you to be trying to achieve "normality". Do you have to be "normal" at the moment?

Take your time and grieve as you want to. Try to eat, try to sleep, but don't beat yourself up if you can't see any light.

grovel · 17/10/2013 18:23

I'm so sorry. I've lost both my parents. Yes, life does get back to a new/different normality. In time.

Big hug.

MrsLouisTheroux · 17/10/2013 18:24

I'm so sorry. No, life will never be the same again but you learn to live with the changes your loss and sadness brings. My dad died a long time ago when I was in my twenties and I miss him terribly. The whole family has 'adjusted' and its very hard but you will be happy again, just a different kind of happy. Take care x

dexter73 · 17/10/2013 18:24

Sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died 3 years ago and it does get easier. Like Bunbaker says I remember him with nostalgia not sadness. Tbh I found it quite surprising how life just does carry on when something so awful has happened.

level3at6months · 17/10/2013 18:24

Oh Dolly Sad

My dad died 7 years ago now. It does get better, really it does. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I never thought I would be able to carry on and function normally again, but the pain dulls. I still have very sad days but they are now much less often.

Sending big hugs.

insancerre · 17/10/2013 18:25

sorry to hear of your loss
Thanks
yes, time does heal
things are never back to 'normal' but it does become easier to bear
life is shit but it is how you deal with it that makes all the difference to the rest of your life

jeee · 17/10/2013 18:26

After my sister died, someone said something to my parents which made sense - the hole left will never get any smaller, but you will learn to live around the hole in time.

With best wishes.

BlackbeltinBS · 17/10/2013 18:26

Like Bunbaker, mine died over 20 years ago. It's not a pain in the same way, it's certainly not all I can think about or anything, but it still catches me unexpectedly sometimes - normal life "with a surprise twist from time to time".

It will cease to be the pain you feel right now, honestly it will. I hope you have other family members to grieve together.

CrispyFB · 17/10/2013 18:27

Sad I am so sorry. It is one of the most horrific things a person can go through in most cases I am sure. Completely life changing.

I lost my dad suddenly back in 2008.. knocked us all for six. I felt exactly the same as you - would life ever go back to normal?

Well, life did go back to normal. I have happiness just as often as I always did. But I miss him, and wish he was still here. The raw grief needs to be "worked through" (there is no textbook for this and it can get very messy) but there comes a point where the dust settles and there is not much more to work through. In my case I was left with "life as normal" but with that tiny little bit of sadness always there on my shoulder. Especially at big things, like the birth of new DC, significant achievements I knew he would have been proud of like running the marathon.. it kind of makes things feel 99% brilliant instead of 100%. And of course there are moments, often completely out the blue, where I still cry and think of him. I don't think those things will ever really leave me. But at the same time these days my overall happiness is as good as it ever was if that makes sense?

I'm not religious at all, and I have often felt envious of those who are who truly feel their loved ones are in a better place or watching over them as that must feel a great comfort.

Much sympathy on your sad loss.

BikeRunSki · 17/10/2013 18:28

It hurts doesn't it? But it's ok to hurt. My dad died twenty years ago this coming Christmas. He had been ill for over ten years, he'd deteriorated over a few weeks, but it was still am awful shock when I got the phone call.

Bunbaker has put it perfectly, that I now remember him with fondness rather than sadness. I'd gave liked him to see me graduate, get married, meet my children ... But he was so much part of the person I am as an adult I am ways so pleased that that amazing man wast dad.

brunette123 · 17/10/2013 18:28

oh no I am so sorry to hear that. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago and my mum in 2000. I am not married and have no children and live alone. Do you have family around you? It does get easier yes but sometimes something will trigger my tears or tight throat and despite the fact that I gave up my career to look after my dad for 2 years I still feel that I could have done more or been nicer but then I did alot and think no matter what you feel that way. Life is not the same no in my experience as my parents loved me unconditionally and "got" me in a way no one else ever did. But I was lucky as they were good parents and I was a wanted child and they were together until my mum died. I do feel that my friends who still have both parents do not understand but I can't really expect them to.
I also found it made (and still does) me ask questions about myself and my life - particularly about having children. I was also fortunate as I had time with both my parents when they were ill and they were not taken suddenly from me. But I would be lying if I said that a day goes by when I do not miss them.
Tomorrow is dad's birthday and it is his anniversary in a couple of weeks and my mum's in November.
I really am sending you lots of love. I hope you have lots of people around to support you. I found my dad's funeral really tough - it was a beautiful service but perhaps because he was the remaining parent it was heartbreaking.
xxxxxx

Sarah2506 · 17/10/2013 18:31

Mine died last August. It was expected- he had emphysema and so it was only a matter of time. I was distraught. I'm 35. That's just too young to not have a dad. I was there and although horrific I'm glad to have had the chance to say goodbye.

The first few days are terrible. The funeral helped focus and deal and a year later it's easier.

Good advice; every bereavement is unique. You will deal with it and it will get better, but what worked for me won't necessarily work for you. It is very unhelpful to tell you how you will feel today, next week or next month as its entirely your experience. Do whatever works for you to get through. Be selfish and kind to yourself. Remind yourself this too will pass.

I hope you are ok. Sending love.

MrsLouisTheroux · 17/10/2013 18:32

Thinking of you tomorrow brunette

Morgause · 17/10/2013 18:33

So sorry for your loss. You will feel ok again, different but ok.

Concentrate on getting through the next week or so.

ArgyMargy · 17/10/2013 18:33

Strange to put in AIBU. Have you tried Bereavement - took me a while to find it but it's in Body & Soul. Lots of good stuff there. I feel for you. Thanks

brunette123 · 17/10/2013 18:34

Thank you MrsLouisTheroux

Brussel · 17/10/2013 18:37

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother died just over a year ago and I still have bad days, but fewer than i had. She's in my thoughts every day and I still get upset but don't feel so desperately alone. Strength.

worriedsick100 · 17/10/2013 18:40

I lost my Dad too. I am still very early in my journey to deal with this so not much advice but there is a particular thread in bereavement for those that have lost parents:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1849632-Please-join-us-here-if-you-have-lost-a-parent-and-need-support-3

Best wishes.

xCupidStuntx · 17/10/2013 18:41

Oh you poor thing!
I lost my mam two years ago, just a few days after I had DD. God the pain was unbearable, it does fade though but I still think of her every day and at first it's like a punch, this strong memory that will just stop you in your tracks and catch your breath but the sadness turns into fondness if that makes sense. Mind yourself and don't ever rush yourself through the grieving process, it's a trauma so look after yourself!! x x

PoppyFleur · 17/10/2013 18:41

I am so sorry.

I lost my dad suddenly in February. I can't even recall the following 2 months, it was a blur. I can't believe that I will never have another conversation with my wonderful dad again, it's just too painful to believe.

We are learning to manage, my mum, siblings and I speak daily, keeping close to each other & that helps. I know in time I will remember dad and not feel so much pain, I am getting there but it's hard.

If I hadn't had such a fantastic dad then I wouldn't feel such grief, so I am grateful to had had such a loving dad in my life for so long, I only hope I make him as proud as he made me.

Fleta · 17/10/2013 18:41

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad Thanks

ohmymimi · 17/10/2013 18:42

I am so sorry. My Dad died when I was ten, but he is with me always, everything I love in life is because of him. So take each day as it comes, talk about him and think of all that he gave to you. Of course you miss him, but he will always be part of you and, in time, that will comfort you.

FlapJackOLantern · 17/10/2013 18:44

So sorry dollywashers, it is awful, I know. You think you will never get back to normal and resent the fact that the sun still shines when you are feeling so awful. It DOES get better with time.

It was my Dad's birthday 4 days ago, and he died 43 years ago. It was so sudden that we were in shock for months and months.

Keep strong. It will ease with time although you will never forget.

Ginnytonic82 · 17/10/2013 18:45

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad 6 years ago now, and while it is very difficult I hand on heart promise it gets better. One of the most helpful things has been talking about our fond (and funny) memories of him as a family. Stick together and support each other, don't be afraid to ask of help if you need or want it. The best advice my mum gave to us all was, there is no right or wrong way to feel right now, laugh, cry, scream, whatever you need.