My dad had died. Will I ever feel ok again?

[dollywashers]

My dad died yesterday. I'd love to hear from other people who have lost a parent if life can ever be the same again. I feel distraught. How do people go on living normal lives after something so heartbreaking.

Thank you so much. The kindness in your posts is quite overwhelming.

So sorry for you. My dad died last month from cancer. Although he'd deteriorated rapidly it was still a hideous shock. My stepmum, brother and I put all our energy into arranging a humanist funeral and we gave him a heartfelt, personal send off. Now I don't know how to feel, I'm getting on with it but the sadness is constantly there. On top of this I'm having marriage problems and it just feels like there are layers and layers of grief. Take it one day at a time

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother passed away very suddenly six years ago. At first there was a numbing shock, followed by intense grief and then slowly things began to feel more normal again. It was a different kind of normal of course because your loved one is no longer with you. The first year was the toughest because she was suddenly not there at Christmas, at family celebrations etc. In time grief was replaced little by little with memories until today when I think of her I remember happy times and not so much the tragedy that took her life.

OP, it doesn't seem possible but time will make your situation more bearable.

The way I see it, as humans, we have a wonderful capacity to get through things. I lost my Dad aged 10, my brother aged 20 and my Mum aged 25. First time, I had a painful ache in my stomach that took roughly 3 months to fade, before I felt dull. With my brother, I was in numb shock. With my Mum, I was hysterical for a few days, then seemed to go on auto pilot afterwards. I now, remember them all fondly (with a few days here and there such as birth of baby and wedding day) and it doesn't hurt any more. You will get through this. That is what makes us so special as human beings.
I believe and I know you will eventually feel less pain. Lots of virtual love xx.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Both my parents died aged 76, not that many years ago. The loss is unbearable, but you learn to bear it.

Believe me, the agonizing pain will fade, weep and wail and do whatever to let the grief have it's sway.

In years to come you will remember them more clearly than you do now. They will always be a part of you - how not, for you are made from them!

As I said before, weep and rage now. Peace will come.

I lost my mum fairly young and the grief was overwhelming.

I've come to the conclusion that losing someone whose such a constant in your world is one of those events that shapes who you are as a person, so it follows you have to get to know who you are again and what that means to your world as it is now.

You will get there, you will be able to smile, laugh and generally be happy and thankful that you were able to have your dad for the time you did without that stinging feeling of unfairness and being frightened of the unknown. Gradually it becomes the background of your day instead of the focus. Ime experience the sadness doesn't really ever go, but it does soften and become something of a tribute to the person gone.

It's right there should be sadness for someone you love, but it's also right that they should be remembered with smiles as well.

You have to put your trust in time sweet, take each day as it comes - there's nothing wrong or right about how you're feeling at any one time. You will put the pieces back together.

So sorry to hear about your dad OP.

You will be ok. It won't necessarily be the same type of ok that you were before, but you'll get through it.

Losing my dad 3 years ago has genuinely changed me as a person but in a positive way - I know he'd want to see me happy with my life.

My dad died about a week before 9/11, after a very short battle with cancer. I think it took about a year before I recovered from it. Now, 12 years on I still miss him terribly and I feel so sad he didn't get to meet dd. The sadness can creep up on me suddenly and I've never been able to watch my wedding video since (we married six months before he died), but I mostly remember him with fondness and a smile these days.

Take care of yourself. So sorry.

I lost my dad when I was 13. I think it dramatically shaped the adult I became as I felt damaged and acted out for the next 10 years at least. (the days before schools were informed and counselling available). For many years when people asked about my dad I spoke about the horrific way he died which was wrapped up with my hurt for the love I had lost. It took me many more years to not cry when I spoke of him and think on more positive aspects of his/our life. Now there are many days when I don't think about him; but when I do I have found a happy place where I can reflect on good times and good influences and how he may have felt had he seen this or that. I hope you get whatever support you need so that it doesn't take you this long. Moving on with your life and goals are what he would have wanted for you. These small distractions in the moment will help you balance out your grief. Don't feel guilty for being able to forget your pain for 5 minutes and enjoy your life. Its part of the healing process you will gradually although slowly get there.

My dad died 8 years ago this week, when I was 25. I've never gotten over it and life hasn't returned to 'normal', but it has gone on. It is different now but I wouldn't want it to be the same anyway. One thing I've found exceptionally difficult is that we shared a birthday and I therefore can't celebrate my birthday any more. I go to the grave and take flowers but I can't stand anyone wishing me happy birthday and I get very down for the 3 weeks between our birthdays and the anniversary of his death.

I still get caught out occasionally, sometimes I see something and think 'I'll tell Dad that' or 'Dad would like that for Christmas' and then it all comes back in a rush.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time. x

Sorry for your loss. My lovely mum died unexpectedly in Feb and it's just weird. The raw pain does go and then also the numb passes feeling. But still hard to believe she's not here anymore, she wasn't 60 yet and would have had 39th wedding anniversary this year, so my poor dad is having a much more significant adjustment.

Hopefully you have friends or close family to support you, take care and wishing you all the best - the first few months are the most difficult.
Phone is going odd so apologies but do speak to someone one when ready. I keep a diary to write to her (silly as she'll never read it or hear it but I find it helps).

Hello my love, so sorry for you.
My Dad died 5 years ago, my mum 6 years ago and I thought I would never be the same again.
It takes time but it does get easier and eventually you can remember them with fondness and happiness rather than a sad feeling.
I think about them all the time and every now and then something will bring a tear or too, but never as often as it did the first year or two.
Take care and allow yourself to mourn and grieve and if you need any support when others aren't available, please keep posting.
so sorry.

I have no experience of death of a parent, but You are in my thoughts.

OP, a big hug from me. I lost my mum almost exactly 2 years ago a few weeks before DC1 arrived. I think I was in a form of shock for about 6 months even though my lovely mum had actually been ill for some time. I think I was just adjusting to the new reality.
I took real comfort from the fact that she knew how much I loved her and vice versa and my pain was because she was such a lovely person.

The advice about taking one day at a time is very useful. All of life is a process and grieving is too. You don't know exactly how you will feel and when - but I promise you, you will learn to adjust. I can now look at pictures of my mum and listen to music (I couldn't listen to any music for about a year as it made me too emotional) and really remember the laughs we had with her.

Before she died, I couldn't imagine how life could go on without her but it has and you will have some great things ahead of you to celebrate and you will never forget your Dad.

Very best wishes to you xxx

Im so so sorry for you.
I lost my dad five years ago and it still feels like it happened yesterday. You never get over it, you just learn to deal with the pain

So sorry,

My dad died suddenly 13 years ago when I was 23 and he was 49. Yes, the pain numbs over time but things don't ever go back to normal-normal. It totally changed my outlook on life. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself and your family.

Hugs. I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if the stuff below has already been covered by other posters.

I lost my dad five years ago and my mom less than a year ago. I won't lie, it was tough, and it continues to be tough. However, it does get better. I found I got better in patches. At first I was sad all the time, then every so often I would forget my sorrow and be happy for a short period of time before I remembered again. As time goes by gradually the happy patches get longer.

You will probably feel guilty when you realize you've been happy even for a short time. THis is totally normal. Just roll with it and know that eventually the pain will lessen. I can't pretend it goes away entirely, but it gradually gets much more bearable. In the meantime, give yourself permission to feel unbearably depressed. Feeling unbearably depressed is part of the healing process. The suckiest part of the healing process, as far as I'm concerned.

And don't let anybody put you on a grief timeline. Sometimes other people will be impatient because you're not feeling better according to the schedule they've set. Pay no attention to the assholes.

Also, if at all possible, find a professional or a volunteer you can talk to. Your employment may cover some counselling sessions. And some charities may offer counselling on a sliding scale based on ability to pay. And there are telephone helplines. You don't need to be suicidal to phone a helpline. The right counsellor won't necessarily make you feel better. But they'll give you another person to talk to about your heartbreak. You'll probably find yourself leaning pretty heavily on close friends and loved ones in the months to come (which is totally normal), and it's good to be able to give them a little break while you talk to a third party.

I lost my darling younger brother last year after his relatively short battle with cancer.

We were all with him when he passed and after watching him suffer through his chemo and all the pain, it was truly a relief to know he was no longer having to suffer so horrendously. But the pain was almost palpable, a ball of pain that just followed us around.

I cried every day for months, at times I didn't even sob, my body just leaked tears and I wouldn't even realise. But what I found the most amazing was just how much all the messages of support helped us - I was so truly touched by the facebook messages, phone calls, flowers and overwhelming support that came from so many people. It was amazingly heart warming and I did feel stronger as the days went by. The tears stopped coming every day - soon it was every 2 days, every week, now it's when I hear music that we both loved, that he played (he was a musician). But even though I sometimes find it hard, I force myself to listen and remember him. Because pretty soon I won't remember him with a stab of pain in my heart, I'll remember him with joy and love first.

I never realised how his death would change me as a person. I hope it has changed me for the better. I'm more emphatic, more caring and all too aware that life is too short.

I remember when he died just being totally desperate to get through the grief. I wanted a timeline. I wanted to know when the awful gut wrenching pain would end. And I can say is that it does ease, and the gut wrenching grief does lessen.

I'm so truly sorry for your loss - I, and most everyone on this thread, know all too well your utter pain and helplessness and wish there was something we could do to ease that pain. Please know that we're all sending our love and healing thoughts to you and your family.

xx

This has just made me cry. 6 years since my daddy died and I never forget it. We had not spoken for two years before.

Be yourself. Cry, eat, sleep when you can.

It does get easier but give yourself time. I was 27 at the time

Yes, life will go back to normal. Particular 'milestones' (for me, the day my kids started school, first ballet concerts, etc) will make you tear up and sometimes you'll have to walk away from the throng and have a little weep. After a couple of years, you'll still well up, but you'll smile when you think how much their grandparent would have loved to see them run out on the soccer pitch, win their first swimming race, or get a maths award. So it's a happy/sad, bittersweet thing. Bearable.

Sorry for your loss. x

Oh, and on the really bad days? Just wallow in the grief, let it surround you and fill you. It sounds odd but for me, it sort of honours mum, in a funny sort of way. She was brilliant, and why should I not (from time to time) feel bereft? She would have wanted me to be happy, and I am. But bad days can be therapeutic.

My lovely friend lost her father and I will never forget the first time I saw her afterwards she looked sort of hollowed out and like a different person. Just really affected me the enormity of the loss showing on her face. Am so sorry for you. My friend is back to her jolly self now and often mentions her father in a happy way.

This is a powerful thread.

I can't add much but one more post saying that life goes on whether you like it or not and you will be taken along with the tide until you're able to swim again.

My dad died in 2000 when I was 20 and my sister was 16. I am upset and angry, these days, that I didn't get to know him as an equal (adult). Or rather that he didn't get to know me as an equal. And my family.

My heart goes out to you OP. I am so sorry for your pain.

So sorry for you. I lost my darling Dad a month ago and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. You do get through things but you have to give yourself time. I think it's really hit me now, tbh, we have had a terrible year as he got more and mor confused, and his health began to deteriorate but then he went in to hospital, and never came out.
We are all absolutely devastated. We tried to give him the best send off we could, and we were really busy organising that but then it's over and there is this huge Dad shaped gap in our lives.
I'm back at work, and things outwardly are carrying on as before but I have this ache, like a knot, in my stomach that is there all the time. We've had birthdays and they were hard, it was the first time I've had a card signed just from my Mum, that reduced me to floods. I was absolutely fine last night then sat in the bath and cried my eyes out, it just came over me in a wave and that was that.
I miss my Dad so much, he was my hero and I love him so very much, that will never change.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your love for him doesn't alter, but you have to give yourself time to grieve, to think about him, to let your feelings out as you need to. Allow people in to help, we were overwhelmed by the support and love shown us by friends and family, and people do mean it, they do want to help. Also I spent a lot of time looking at old photos, I still do, because it helps me think of my Dad as he was before that wicked cruel illness got hold of him, and they are the memories that are most strong in my mind now.
Sending you love and best wishes xxxx

My DHs dad died just over a week ago. His mum died 3 years ago so now he has no parents left. We just had a baby and as his family were overseas his dad didn't get to meet DS before he died. DH is so sad - it is awful to see in yet I feel quite powerless as nothing I say can make it hurt any less. His sister also gave up work to care for his dad ... we are hoping she may come and stay for a break and I hope this would be good for both of them.

I am sorry for your loss dolly and for all those on this thread that are coming to terms with losing parents.