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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sceptical over DP seeing estranged children?

82 replies

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:24

DP hasn't seen his children from first wife for two years, they are just turned 6 and 7. His ex told him to take her to court for contact after a minor disagreement which followed months of her cancelling contact as and when she fancied. He didn't do so, which I think is downright wrong. He got a call from her solicitor on Friday offering that they call him this week and see him at the weekend. So effectively, he's still done nothing to try and see them, his ex has offered them up as she probably needs help with them and he could enter their lives again only to leave if he falls out with his ex again. I'd say it was his choice and keep out of it but I have children to consider too. AIBU to be sceptical about it all?

OP posts:
Fenton · 07/10/2013 13:30

I would be very concerned about my future with a man who couldn't be bothered to take up this offer to see his very young children. And two years with no contact? that's a really really long time at their ages - heartbreaking.

Does he think he's punishing his ex? - Is he too stupid to see what he's doing to his children?

It would be curtains for our relationship if it were me, - I don't know how you could justify what he's doing.

ThisWayForCrazy · 07/10/2013 13:31

I would be sceptical of any man that hadn't done all they could to see their kids. I certainly wouldn't be with a man who had those values.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:34

He will take up the offer to see them but my point is that his ex shouldn't have had to offer. He shouldn't have left it two weeks let alone two years. He doesn't know where they live or go to school or anything. He's done nothing, he barely even talks about them. I've just found out I'm pregnant and he doesn't know yet. I'm seriously reconsidering our future.

OP posts:
basgetti · 07/10/2013 13:35

Did you witness for yourself why contact broke down in the first place? If not I would be sceptical of his explanations for this, and disgusted with his lack of action now.

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 13:36

I wouldn't be skeptical because I wouldnt be with him

they are both dickheads by the sound of it

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:38

Yes I witnessed it basgetti, she is a nightmare. But not enough that she would stop me seeing my kids.

OP posts:
TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 13:41

Please dont judge him.

If the ex is dropping contact as and when she likes causing hurt all round, its much more painful for everyone if he was involved in their lives only for them to see him one day but not the next.

Going to court etc with solicitors involved is very expensive and some people just dont have that kind of money. Besides if he did get a court order, whos to say nothing will change?

A waste of time, money and hurt for everyone.

If exs are very difficult and think they can play god with childrens lives and are only amicable if the man is doing as she says then the best thing is to walk away rather than cause years of upset for the children.

You have no idea of the hurt he has gone through to make the decision to not see his children.

SpiritOfTheBuskersCat · 07/10/2013 13:43

I would not be with someone who cared so little about his children.

Fenton · 07/10/2013 13:44

I get the 'nightmare ex' scenario, I get how painful it is, but I don't get how someone doesn't put up enough of a fight to then let it go on for two years.

Okay he can't stand his ex (and may well have good reason) but how can you stand not to see your children for weeks, months, years?

ashleysilver · 07/10/2013 13:44

YANBU I would be reconsidering the future relationship too.

If you have a child with this man, he is likely to have the same lack of concern for your child, I'm afraid.

Tuonz · 07/10/2013 13:45

I see your point Tiggy. But a waste of time? He could have tried, then if nothing else when the children are older he could show that he cared enough to try.

I think you should consider your future with him Jeremy, have you anyone to talk to about this? The relationships board is very helpful if there's no one in RL.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:45

With respect Tiger, I've seen him everyday since and he isn't dying inside, as I know I would be in his position. He could self represent in court, I have a legal background and could help, it would be more settled for the kids or if the worst happened then at least they'd know he'd tried.

OP posts:
FreakinRexManningDay · 07/10/2013 13:46

Has he been paying maintenance for the last two years?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:46

There's no one in real life besides his family who think he's a poor man deprived of his children rather than considering the children deprived of their father.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:47

Yes he pays maintenance.

OP posts:
TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 13:47

Op

If you didnt approve of what he was doing then why did you continue to see him?

He may have mentally blocked it out the fact he hasnt seen his children to help him cope

Fenton · 07/10/2013 13:48

You can tell from your posts how disappointed you are in him. Do you talk to him about it, or does it end up in a shut down situation?

What is he like otherwise?

sorry you are in this position.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 07/10/2013 13:50

2 years is an incredibly long time in a small child's life. They will have no idea who he is. That's awful.

Does he make an effort with your children, or are they background noise to him?

I couldn't be with a man who could care so little. Yanbu to be reconsidering your future with him at all.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:50

It's his choice not to see them if that's what he decides. Not my pace to judge. However, I strongly disagree with him dipping in and out of their lives, causing stress for everyone, my children being disrupted when he doesn't have the backbone to formalise contact for his children's best interests.

OP posts:
TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 13:51

How has he been with your children up to now?

RescueCack · 07/10/2013 13:52

Hmm. I would have said 'alarm bells' but I've recently seen a dear friend go through nightmare access scenarios. He may well end up without contact, and hasn't seen DC for a couple of months now despite constant attempts to arrange it. I can see him retreating soon if something doesn't change because it's destroying him. If 2 yrs down the line someone was to suggest that this was a deal breaker in a newer relationship, it wouldn't be particularly indicative of his character - just his situation at this time.

Having said that, I can't imagine backing off personally and I don't think I know any mothers who would. It seems to be the preserve of fathers exclusively to protect their own hearts...

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:52

Fenton he just apologises and clams up. He does make an effort with my children and wants more; I think that makes it worse for me. His children deserve his time, how can he contemplate more when he hasn't resolved things with his existing children?

OP posts:
Fenton · 07/10/2013 13:53

Of course it's your place to judge him! You do judge him.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:55

I do judge, but I shouldn't. Not seeing them at all is fairer on them than dipping in and out of their lives IMO. That's not what I want him to do; when she stopped contact I'd have loved if he'd taken her to court and we had continued to have them 50/50.

OP posts:
TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 13:57

Op

I dont think you understand his situation at the time.

Some fathers who have had alot of hurt over their first children and have decided to cut contact for everyones sake have gone on to have another child and been a great dad.

Just because he has had to cut contact with his other children, that doesnt mean hes going to be a terrible father to any children you have together.