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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sceptical over DP seeing estranged children?

82 replies

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 13:24

DP hasn't seen his children from first wife for two years, they are just turned 6 and 7. His ex told him to take her to court for contact after a minor disagreement which followed months of her cancelling contact as and when she fancied. He didn't do so, which I think is downright wrong. He got a call from her solicitor on Friday offering that they call him this week and see him at the weekend. So effectively, he's still done nothing to try and see them, his ex has offered them up as she probably needs help with them and he could enter their lives again only to leave if he falls out with his ex again. I'd say it was his choice and keep out of it but I have children to consider too. AIBU to be sceptical about it all?

OP posts:

Fenton · 07/10/2013 13:57

Sorry x-posted with you.

It's a huge sticking point though isn't it? Perhaps he is/has been burying his head, a lot of men do walk away because it just becomes too painful. But he's got an opportunity to build bridges - he should be snapping it up.

Do yo think if he did resume contact and stick to it that would fix it, with how you feel about him for it, I mean?

TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 13:59

Hes got the opportunity now on his exs say so. Again he has to jump when she says so.

What happens when she changes her mind or he doesnt do as she asks?

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:00

Tiger I know he wouldn't be a bad dad to mine. But you shouldn't only be prepared to be a good dad to children whose mother you're in a relationship with IMO. Fenton he will take up the contact but if his ex stops it again, he doesn't have it in him to fight to reinstate it. So it's the children who are hurt again.

OP posts:

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:02

Tiger - precisely my point. It'll stop again and the children will be hurt. It's all (get it formalised in court) or nothing IMO as his ex has such history of being obstructive.

OP posts:

TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 14:02

Hes got no fight left poor bloke.

Im sure that if your and your dp wasnt in a relationship and you wasnt a nightmare then of course he would keep in contact.

He doesnt see his previous children because things are not nice with his ex, not because hes not in a relationship with her

Fenton · 07/10/2013 14:03

I wonder if there's any way he can get on better terms with the ex, so that she plays nice this time? Have they ever tried any kind of mediation to settle on a contact agreement?

He sounds like he's a bit frightened of her.

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:04

But tiger that isn't being a parent, let alone a good one. You put your own feelings aside and fight for your children if the need arises.

OP posts:

TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 14:04

Just because you have a court order, that doesnt mean the contact is set in stone.

The ex could still stop contact and then you have to go back to court again and again spending more money, time and again stress and hurt for everyone

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:05

He isn't frightened of her! They're always going to disagree because she wants him to have them 50/50, his job doesn't allow that and he wants to see them once a month and extra in holidays.

OP posts:

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:06

He has the money Tiger.

OP posts:

Fenton · 07/10/2013 14:09

Okay frightened of what she'll do then.

and once a month? That's a rather poor offering of his time.

He's not sounding any better as this thread goes on.

TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 14:14

I think you have come on here for people to clarify your judgement on him.

You dont need clarification, if you dont agree with a decision he has made on a massive part of his like and you feel its changed the way you see him then i dont understand why you are with him.

In your op, you mention you are pregnant but he does not yet know. What are your plans for this pregnancy?

And if you dont feel he would be a good father due to his former actions, then why have you allowed this pregnancy to happen?

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:15

What can be worse than stopping him seeing the kids? Sorry to sound confrontational, I just feel fed up of everyone excusing him. He's a grown man, these are his children, he is the only father they have - he needs to step up.

OP posts:

TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 14:17

But he isnt going to op

He needs a partner whos going to be supportive of his decision.

You are never going to be supportive of him. Therefore the relationship isnt going to work as resentment will form.

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:19

I don't care about what he needs, I care about what the children need

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 07/10/2013 14:20

He needs a partner whos going to be supportive of his decision

Supportive of his decision not to bother with his children? or at best see them once a month?

Yeah I think I'd judge that too tbh.

lunar1 · 07/10/2013 14:23

Why on earth are people excusing him? I would walk through fire to see my boys.

I think once someone abandons their first children they should be bloody sterilised, and not continue to procreate. It's not something where you can just keep on trying till you have the children you want to keep fgs.

Seems there are a lot of nightmare ex's on mn

Fenton · 07/10/2013 14:26

I said 'frightened of what she'll do' meaning pissing about with contact again.

This was before I realised she wants him to have them more and he only wants once a month.

I haven't defended him at all - what he's been doing is inexcusable.

I think a very small minority of posters may have sympathised with him.

Original poster

JeremySmile · 07/10/2013 14:26

Thank you, lunar1! Sense at last.

It's all very well him graciously accepting this offer of contact, it's my children who will be hated and resented for keeping their daddy from them which is what his ex tells them. It's my children who will be pushed aside by him as he focuses on them. I'm not saying he shouldn't focus on them, I'm saying he shouldn't have stopped focussing in the first place then we wouldn't be in this situation

OP posts:

Fenton · 07/10/2013 14:31

You seem to be tying yourself up in knots there OP

I think LTB in this case, and I don't usually say that.

Step-parenting and being with a NRP is very erm, challenging, - he doesn't sound like he's equipped to take it and your relationship doesn't appear strong enough to take it.

I think I would bail out now.

Gingersstuff · 07/10/2013 14:35

He only wants to see his kids once a month??! Yet he wants more with you
I think you should leave.
And with all due respect, your partner sounds like the kind of knobend who needs marching to the hospital so that he can't reproduce any more.

TigerBabyyy · 07/10/2013 14:43

But he has produced more.

The op is pregnant by him

froken · 07/10/2013 14:45

What a mess!

Ya-all-bu why won't he have them 50/50? He is their father, he shouldn't just be able to opt out of half the responsibility for his children just because his job doesn't fit in with being a parent, he should change jobs.

You are being unreasonable worrying about your children being resented when the much larger issue is your dp's children who havn't seen him for years. Could you take your dc away for the day whilst your dp gets to spend time with his dc alone?

Poor children :(

PeppiNephrine · 07/10/2013 14:46

How can you think of having a child with a man who so casually tossed aside his children?
You should have more respect for yourself.

Flufflie · 07/10/2013 15:09

Jeremysmile, do you know why he has never sought contact? He may have had his reasons. Perhaps it was just too hard for him, perhaps he isn't much of a fighter, or maybe he thought the kids were better of if he didn't make a fuss?
Whatever the reason for him not seeking contact, it doesn't mean that he doesn't care or doesn't love them. It also doesn't mean he is a bad person or even a bad father.

It's bad for young kids to miss out on contact with one of their parents, but it isn't necessarily better for them to have to put up with animosity between separated parents and with court cases and having to visit a parent while the other parent is reluctant to allow/accept these visits.

If this is the first time his ex has offered visits, your partner isn't yet 'dipping in and out' of those children's lives. There has been a breakdown in communication once, but if his ex has genuinely calmed down, perhaps there is now a chance to re-establish contact with the children in a more relaxed manner.

As for your worries about your own relationship: look at the bright side. If you two ever split up, you already know that he is not the type to drag you into long, stressful court cases, so you two should then be able to arrange your after-separation parenting activities in a relaxed and civilized manner. Much better for everyone!

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