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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to strangle my 12 year old

36 replies

ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 15:09

He is such a good boy at school and such a nightmare at home. He has called me stupid, told me to shut up, locked himself in the toilet and this is in the last half an hour.
He will not do as he is told and keeps answering back. If we ignore him he comes looking for us.

Of course I would never lay a hand on him but its driving me crazy.

Please give me tips on how to deal with a defiant child.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 06/10/2013 15:13

personally i would leave him in the toielt and when he does come out tell him you are not happy with his attitude, being called names or behaviour and as so he is losing.favourite thing for ?? set amount of days.

if he throws a strop ask him to di it in his room or just walk away.

Original poster
ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 15:16

Ive tried all that but it keeps happening time after time. I just dont know what to do with him, now its rubbing off on the others.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 06/10/2013 15:17

Does he spend all day on the internet/xbox live?

If so, change the password and tell him he can have it when he's learned some respect.

valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 15:19

Do what wondering said and be consistent. If he follows you looking for a fight, ignore him completely our very calmly tell him you will not discuss anything with him while he is being so rude. If he locks himself in the bathroom leave him to it, he's 12 what's he going to do flush himself to death?Wink

Original poster
ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 15:20

Thank you youthecat. I took the play station away a month ago. He has literally turned into Kevin from Harry Enfield overnight.

OP posts:
BoundandRebound · 06/10/2013 15:20

Remove screen time and games

Remove mobiles and let him earn them back

It's puberty

Remind him of boundaries

valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 15:20

Yes and x box and computer usage is earned on this house by good behaviour.

valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 15:21

He needs to be able to earn the computer back. Month long bands should be for massive punishments.

YouTheCat · 06/10/2013 15:23

They turn into very large toddlers during puberty. I agree, take everything away and make him earn them back.

Don't forget plenty of praise when he's not being a little sod. Give him some jobs to occupy him.

Original poster
ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 15:49

He knows how to behave as he is perfectly behaved at school.

All our problems started when someone gave him COD, since taking it away he has got better but he does not know when to give in. Is this a boy thing as my girls are so easy?
He is sobbing his heart out now but this argument has been going on since last night.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 15:52

Oh yes,I often say that ds I'd just like a toddler atm.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/10/2013 16:05

They are toddlers and just like toddlers you need to give them an illusion of control - so you offer choices, would you like this or that for dinner.

And you ignore secondary behaviour as much as possible. We have created a safe space in their room for every teenager - a chill out zone with a beanbag and a punch bag if they need to vent their anger.

I say a lot of non committal - "I can see your stressed, why don't you take some time to calm down

  • it looks like you're emotions are frightening you"

I know it's hard to ignore secondary behaviour - I spend a lot of time looking off to the side of a teenager so I can't 'see' the eye rolling, shrugging and mouthing rude words.

valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 16:08

I also say 'look, it's your choice if you want to act like this but if you do then you will lose out on computer/Telly etc. It's your choice.'

valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 16:09

Oh I agree about ignoring eye rolling etc, I'm convinced they don't even realise they do that half the time!

Rahahaharubbish · 06/10/2013 16:12

My 12 year old is exactly the same - and to be honest I agree that half the time he has no idea how arrogant and rude his behaviour can be. I have found though that ignoring to a certain extent, while obviously not giving into what he wants, does work. I tell him to go away until he can speak to me properly, and usually within a few minutes he's back with a hug if not a full on apology.

I also agree with the toddler analogy - when he's tired, bored or hungry he's a nightmare!

Original poster
ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 16:13

Good advice Laurie.

He is sporty so I have introduced more sport into his weekly routine.
Ive got him to cook with me and make his own food (he liked this)
Home work absolutely cant be done until after food or else WW3 starts.

These tactics work but something (different every time) triggers defiance.
Im tired of it and im missing out on the other children because he is so time consuming.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 06/10/2013 16:15

This is totally normal behaviour if my DC are anything to go by! And also why we won't buy COD for DS - he gets arsey enough as it is playing Fifa!

Agree with boundandrebound - if you take stuff away, they have to earn it back. And also LaurieFairyCake, that you have to try to ignore the secondary behaviour.
(14)
And Ohnoimnot, girls are NOT easier, sadly. DD(14) was an absolute angel up until 6mths ago. I think she is still OK in school, but she is one big ball of angst and arsines at homeSad

bigTillyMint · 06/10/2013 16:16

Yes, yes re the food/hunger!

Original poster
ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 16:24

I have a 16 year old DD she is a dream as are the other two. I spend a lot more time with DS watching him play football, tennis etc but its not enough. If hes watching TV he will pull me to lay down and cuddle him. He also comes into our bed each night.
I have a feeling there might be more to the problem but he insists he is happy at school.
Its hard being a Mum.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 06/10/2013 16:26

True say, ohnoimnot!

nennypops · 06/10/2013 16:33

Is the problem that the actually finds school stressful and what you are getting at home is the release of the accumulated stresses and anxieties of the day? Can you see whether he needs any support in school?

bubby64 · 06/10/2013 16:35

I have twin DS, also 12, and they are just like yours, great at school, terrible at home. our most extreme reaction recently one of my 2 had his bedroom door removed for repeated slamming! We have, in the past, removed phones, xbox, changed internet passwords, all to try and regain some measure of authority in our house. They have to earn back privileges, and tbh, sometimes that takes them a long time!

We have found that 2 hormone charged boys are continually either fighting each other and us to show their resentment against our rules and (not too stringent) restrictions.

Original poster
ohnoimnot · 06/10/2013 16:37

Possibly nennypops. I have been helping him with his homework each night as I thought it might be too much for him. 4 subjects per night.
The others do their work as soon as they get home but DS needs time to unwind and eat.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 06/10/2013 17:10

It's very common for kids to be angels at school and then kick off at home. It's like they manage to keep things together in the day and then come gone time they kick up a fuss as they feel secure at home.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/10/2013 17:13

Ds3 went through this when he was in his early teens - it was horrible, and so stressful. He did survive by the skin of his teeth is now 16, and things are much, much better.