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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is the nursery?

40 replies

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:07

Ds is 3.8. On fri when dp collected him he was crying. Nursery worker said as he had to be 'spoken to'a lot on friday they didnt let him have a piece of birthday cake. Only him. When he was offered a cracker he refused and was put in time out. His shoes were on the wrong feet and he had pooey pants. Hes been going there a year and mostly is fine any times nursery tell us his behaviour has been poor we back them up but I think this was too harsh. He didnt understand why he wasnt allowed cake. Should I say something? I really felt awful for him he was so sad. Dp kept quiet as he has a short temper and its my work nursery.

OP posts:

MortifiedAdams · 29/09/2013 18:10

Well, if my dd is naughty she wouldnt be getting a treat of cake, so I wouldnt think teice about nursery doing the same. DH has been known to send DD to the CMs with her shoes on the odd feet too.

I am at a loss as to why they put him in time out for refusing a cracker - unless he was particularly rude about it?

The pooey nappy could have just happened. Or is he in knickers now, could it just be skiddies?

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:11

Should say his key worker was off and hes mostly a good boy but im not blind to his faults. Not sure if im a bit pfb.

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missmapp · 29/09/2013 18:11

I think that is a bit harsh- time out is fine, but no cake is hard for a 3yr old to understand. I'd talk to them to find out more about the problems and how they are dealing with it.

Groovee · 29/09/2013 18:12

He turned down a cracker and they put him on time out? I'd have something to say to them about it.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:14

It wad really pooey, hes toilet trained but needs help wiping. I think id feel ok about the cake if theyd warned him first but it seems they just kind of dropoed it on him so he didnt get it iykwim. He just didnt want a cracker instead of cake I think.

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whyno · 29/09/2013 18:14

I'd ask to speak to someone and just say you don't want to cause a fuss but the incident has really upset you. I think they handled that atrociously.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:16

I would normally agree with them over behaviour, defer to them even, but I think this was overkill. Hes just recently gone fulltime and was tired. Cake had been in view all day so I think this added to him being silly.

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Laquitar · 29/09/2013 18:18

I wouldnt like to mix behaviour and panishment with food, this is my pet hate.
YANBU

racmun · 29/09/2013 18:18

I would definitely ask to speak to them to find out a bit more info. There needs to cause and effect for children with punishments and if your ds didn't understand this then no wonder he kicked off.

Definitely speak to them.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:21

Thanks all. I dont want to be pfb mum but I feel like im letting him down if I dont say something. Hes only little after all.

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Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:22

Thanks all. I dont want to be pfb mum but I feel like im letting him down if I dont say something. Hes only little after all.

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ihearsounds · 29/09/2013 18:23

So he did something. Was given a cracker instead of cake. Then put in time out because he didn't want a cracker?

Too bloody right I would say something.

You don't mix food with behaviour. And you certainly don't put someone in time out for not eating.

Finola1step · 29/09/2013 18:24

I think first if all you've got to get the full facts straight from the person in charge of the nursery / room your son is

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 29/09/2013 18:26

I used to work in a nursery and if I had handled that situation the way your sons nursery did I would have got a bollocking for it. What a disgraceful way to treat a child, even if was "playing up", it's still not fair to exclude him from having cake while all his friends had it. No wonder he refused the cracker!

Finola1step · 29/09/2013 18:26

Oops - posted too soon.

in. This all sounds quite disjointed. He refused a cracker and the put him in time out? Really? Or did he throw a tantrum when offered said cracker.

Talk to nursery tomorrow, get the full story before getting upset.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:26

The facts were relayed by dp not son. Son wont talk about it and I dont want him to go off nursery or stop trusting the workers so im not talking to him about it.

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Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:29

Im imagining by refused they mean he was a rude. They are really careful not to use negative language about behaviour. To be honest if all my friends had cake and I was given I boring cracker I might be less than impressed too. I totally think he cant be rude but it was a teeny bit overkill imo.

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BendyBusBuggy · 29/09/2013 18:33

Maybe he didn't get enough attention because his key worker was out and that's why he played up? I'd have a word with them ... Agree with whyno, best results are always when not causing a fuss. Pooey pants are not ok (if he can't wipe he will have to learn, with their and your help).

I'd be a bit if they regularly told me about bad behaviour. It's their job to teach him good behaviour. Obviously parents need to be told serious stuff, like biting, so that the message can be backed up, but if they say things like he's been naughty all day it sounds a bit like they're not doing a job properly. (Why has he been naughty all day? Has he been shown ways to behave? Has he felt like he needs to fight for attention? Havs he had enough to drink/ eat? Has he had enough quiet periods to relax?)

I think it's harsh to show off cake all day and then not give him any. Tehy could have thought of a better way of dealing with behaviour.

Finola1step · 29/09/2013 18:37

I agree it does sound like overkill to me. I do find it strange though that they offered him a cracker. Was it in place if the cake? Was it a "if you really are hungry then you will eat the cracker" thing? It's all a bit odd. Why offer a cracker to a 3 year old who has been denied cake?

I do wonder of there were staffing problems on Friday and things were all a bit too much. Would definitely follow up tomorrow.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 18:39

Food shouldn't be used as punishment/for behaviour control. It's fairly shocking that a professional childcare establishment hasn't grasped that.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:41

Its really only one person who goes on and on about his behaviour, everyone else seems to like him. Its not things like biting or hitting, more not listening or being a bit silly.

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Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:45

As a kid my dad really messed me up with food and I really worry about that happening to him. Right, need to man up and speak to them.

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junkfoodaddict · 29/09/2013 18:45

I agree that food shouldn't be used for behaviour control but cake isn't a food as such - it's a treat and not a necessity to diet. I find it odd that he was offered a cracker instead unless he specifically asked for something to eat, was given the cracker and proceeded to temper tantrum in which case a time out would be warranted IF he had been prewarned about his behaviour before time out was given.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 18:48

Pushing cake as "a treat" or "a reward" makes it more desirable and sets up unhealthy attitudes to food. It'd be far more constructive if they gave all the children cake and told them that if they were really good they'd be allowed some carrots as well.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 29/09/2013 18:50

They give birthday cake out at snack time so if he hadnt had cake there wouldnt have been anything for him since lunch. I just found it weird. They wont use the word naughty but punished him in this way. Id rather they made sure he didnt smell of poo and his shoes werent hurting him.

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