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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a religious wedding?

125 replies

flaquark · 29/09/2013 11:13

I had always promised DP that if I ever got pregnant we would get married - so we are getting married.
He is letting me decide all the bits and things. I came to the decision that I wanted to get married in a Jewish ceremony.
We are both jewish but both raised secular and dont believe in a God. But do and did all the other bits.
DP doesnt mind either way so there we go.

I have had more than a couple of comments from people that we shouldnt be doing this, that it is distrispectful things like that.

And it has me doubting and thinking that people will think we are just doing it for a 'pretty' wedding day.

Because I think it's relevant - I'm adopted and dont look 'jewish' (being black with white parents does that) (technically means I'm a convert) so I think I tend to wear my Jewness on my sleeve a bit.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hackmum · 29/09/2013 11:28

It's your wedding. I think you should do whatever makes you happy.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt · 29/09/2013 11:30

I'm afraid I think it's just plain weird to get married in a religious service when you don't believe in a God.

AgentZigzag · 29/09/2013 11:32

What you privately think about God has nothing to do with anyone else.

Who is it making the comments, and how are they saying it?

AgentZigzag · 29/09/2013 11:32

But if you don't believe in God why would it matter where you got married GirlWith? Confused

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/09/2013 11:35

There are plenty of pretty non religious places to get married so I don't think people will think you're only doing it for that. Do what you like, it's your wedding.

specialsubject · 29/09/2013 11:36

plenty of black and mixed-race Jews around, you are not unique.

however as non-believers (me too) why do you want to stand there and make lots of promises to run a Jewish home and to live by the rules of a god that you don't think exists? I would struggle with that.

Original poster
flaquark · 29/09/2013 11:36

Agent
Friends, a few people I work with. Basically saying it is disrespectful. Or that I'm doing it for photos or to get extra presents (not sure how that one works)

OP posts:
nonmifairidere · 29/09/2013 11:51

Are you serious, you are an atheist and want a religious marriage ceremony, then are surprised it raised the odd eyebrow. I loathe the way non-churchgoers, even if they believe, expect to use the church ceremonies when it suits them. This is no different. The Rabbi should tell you to get lost.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots · 29/09/2013 12:03

I think how you marry is about your culture. it is your culture to get married in a trad jewish ceremony so do so rather than specific beliefs.

tell the people sticking their nose in that if they are so uncomfortable, they won't be getting an invite, that should shut them up.

I am having a full Catholic mass wedding as I was raised Catholic, not hugely practicing (I go to mass when dm drives me) but it is my culture and I just wouldn't feel married ifbit was a registry office wedding but that is just me. dp is not religious at all but respects that this is my culture and he is happy to join it.

PasswordProtected · 29/09/2013 12:06

Many, many years ago I sang in our church choir. It was amazing the numbers of weddings we sang at, where you had never seen the bride or groom before. However, it was their choice to be married in a solemn, religious ceremony, which added some "gravitas" to the occasion, so I think you are perfectly within the bounds of reasonableness to want this.

Original poster
flaquark · 29/09/2013 12:07

I do understand if we didnt do anything but to me it's different.
It's the Shul that me and my brother had our Bar/Bat Mitzvah in, that we went/go to as a family on the 'important' days. We do passover and yom kippur and Rosh Hashannah and all that. So it isnt like we are just Jewish in name. And we plan to do the same with our children

special I know I'm not unique. I just guess it is that constant searching to have something to bind you to people more so.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 29/09/2013 12:08

I couldn't say my vows to a God I didn't believe in.

DoJo · 29/09/2013 12:09

I am surprised that people want to make their marriage vows to a god they don't believe in - it was only when patently atheist friends of mine got married in church that I realised just how much god stuff there was in the ceremony and felt sad for them that they were making all these empty promises on a day when they should be being completely sincere about their love for one another. I can also see how regular worshippers feel as though their beliefs are being 'used' by people who just want a pretty building to get married in and don't contribute to the church community. However, I wouldn't voice any of this to someone unless they had asked my opinion.

hiddenhome · 29/09/2013 12:11

Have you formally converted? A person doesn't automatically become Jewish because they've been adopted into a Jewish family. You are automatically Jewish if you have Jewish birth mother, but otherwise, you have to formally convert.

If you don't believe in God, you should just stick to the registry office. It's disrespectful to use a place of worship just because you want the ceremony.

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2013 12:11

It's the Shul that me and my brother had our Bar/Bat Mitzvah in, that we went/go to as a family on the 'important' days. We do passover and yom kippur and Rosh Hashannah and all that. So it isnt like we are just Jewish in name. And we plan to do the same with our children

And yet you don't believe in God? Confused

specialsubject · 29/09/2013 12:13

I'm puzzled too - why would non-believers do all that?

you sound more observant than many!

cookielove · 29/09/2013 12:15

I originally wanted to get married in a church because they are pretty Blush and often thought to me as an atheist it's just a building. If I could have had a registrar hold the cermony there I may have well gone through with it. However dh and I are both atheist and did not want an ounce of religion in our cermony so opted for a rather pretty cricket club instead.

I think it would have been hypocritical to get married in a church and really boring

Sirzy · 29/09/2013 12:16

I don't understand why a non-believer would want a religious ceremony.

Your wedding, do what you want but expect some raised eyebrows.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/09/2013 12:17

So do you believe or not?

I was christened and observe Easter,Christmas etc. I do not believe, agnostic if you will, I observe them out of tradition.

However I would never have a church wedding. I do feel it would be disrespectful to people of genuine faith.

If you believe - go ahead. But if you don't and only observe religious events out of tradition then I think you should rethink the religious wedding.

cookielove · 29/09/2013 12:17

Posted to soon.

I think yabu!

On a side note the term non believer always tickles me.

Original poster
flaquark · 29/09/2013 12:20

hidden yep. Converted as a toddler and then obviously gave adult consent in having a bat mitzvah.
worra just the way we were both raised

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/09/2013 12:23

But do you believe now op?

Otherwise it is disrespectful

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2013 12:38

worra just the way we were both raised

You were raised by atheists who used religion as some sort of hobby?

Sorry I'm still confused

MrsBW · 29/09/2013 13:05

I could no more get married in a church than say my vows to a celestial unicorn. I'd have felt like a massive hypocrit.

But plenty of people who don't believe in God still celebrate Christmas...

So I can't really get worked up anymore about non religious types getting married in Church. Each to their own.

roweeena · 29/09/2013 13:19

If you don't 'believe it' don't get married in a religious ceremony - simples