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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want dh to take the day off work or

33 replies

CuriosityCola · 20/09/2013 08:09

at least try and reduce his hours.

I have two kids under two. The youngest is only a couple of months old. I have struggled all last week with what I thought was just a cold. I now have Sinusitis and the makings of a chest infection. He has been working 12 hour days. Today after very little sleep he just looked at me and said,' shame we don't have any options'. Then seemed surprised that I wanted to cancel my birthday celebrations tomorrow night.

Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. What does everyone else do when they are unwell and have no help?

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 20/09/2013 08:12

I feel for you. Have you got antibiotics? Sinusitis is really painful.
If he works 12 hour days,that is hard on both of you. Could you aim to get kids into bed by 7 & sleep early. Sorry that you are not having much fun on your birthday.

Groovee · 20/09/2013 08:13

I had really bad flu when ds was 15 weeks and dd was 3. MIL turned up to drop something off and found ds howling with dd trying to settle him as I couldn't move off the couch. She took them and phoned dh to get me seen and the GP told him that I needed to rest and was in no fit state to look after such a young baby.

When you feel so ill when they are so young is hard. Being 13 and 10 now, they can cope for themselves when I am too ill.

But dh has had to take days off to look after them when I have been so poorly in the past.

BigW · 20/09/2013 08:14

I don't know - I guess it depends on what type of job he has. My old place were very sympathetic to that kind of thing, but I know many places are less understanding.

If it makes you feel any better, I am also fighting a chest infection at the moment and DS is running me ragged! I went to bed at 8 last night but barely slept more than a couple of hours because DS is teething and this wretched cough won't let me rest!

CoffeeTea103 · 20/09/2013 08:14

It depends on how important financially the hours are. Will you be able to manage if he reduces the hours. After a 12 hour day, he would be exhausted as well. Do you have any family around that can help you for a bit?

dingit · 20/09/2013 08:17

It's very difficult. I've always struggled on the few times I've been very ill, as DH hates taking time off for me. Once I had an accident and couldn't walk, then he had no choice!

Is there anyone who could help you? Hope you are feeling better soon.

ChunkyPickle · 20/09/2013 08:18

I think he needs to take a day off - you are not improving, you're getting worse, and if you can't turn that around you could easily end up in hospital for a couple of days instead.

If I was making myself more ill, I would expect DP to take a day off - it's an emergency, and there are parental leave options in existence to cover this men need to step up and take responsibility for their children too.

Hawkmoth · 20/09/2013 08:20

You don't want the makings of a chest infection to turn into a proper chest infection. He should have at least got the time to take you to the doctor.

I had a migraine a couple of weeks ago and had to get DH home from work. He didn't hesitate or question at all.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 20/09/2013 08:23

Does he get sick pay, can he take annual leave, can you pay for a babysitter if that is a cheaper option, do you have any disposable income, is his position precarious? Would HE go to work if he was sick?

This sounds so harsh and am sorry you are poorly but am single parent and therefore cannot imagine even having the option. Sometimes, you just have to sick a DVD on ply children with snacks, lie on sofa with duvet. Go dr, get anti bs if chest infection.

my2centsis · 20/09/2013 08:25

My heart goes out to you op. YAnbu. You need his help and support ATM. He needs to take a day or two off and let you rest

SuperiorCat · 20/09/2013 08:25

It's a difficult one - DH's employers would not let him reduce his hours / take day off at short notice as they have no staff to cover - it is not a critical environment but they behave as if it is. So DH would get told "NO" if he asked to take a half day, and a verbal warning if he didn't turn up - they are crap employers. If your DH is in a similar place then I can see why he doesn't feel it is an option.

Do you have any family / friends that could pop in and help?

livinginwonderland · 20/09/2013 08:34

It's difficult. Can he actually just take a day off at short notice? I know a lot of workplaces (including mine) wouldn't let you and you would have to call in sick to get a day off at the last minute.

If he CAN get the time off/finish early, and you can afford it, then he should at least try, but a lot of people can't just take time off for an ill spouse unless they're so ill they're hospitalised. Can you ask a friend/family member/neighbour to get you some medication or to come in and help for a couple of hours so you can take a nap or get to the doctors?

Hope you feel better soon!

MavisG · 20/09/2013 08:35

You're not a single parent. He should take some time off, whatever he can - finish early/go in late/wfh/whole day(s) off until you can cope. It's what parental leave (or annual leave or, if his employers behave illegally wrt this, his own sick leave) should be used for.
I would tell him he has no childcare: what's he going to do?

cupcake78 · 20/09/2013 08:38

It's so hard! I've had many a day on the sofa feeling like utter rubbish with children to look after.

Lots if hot drinks. Feed the children and leave everything else! When your dh gets in you go straight to bed and leave him with the children. It's Friday, hopefully you can get some rest over the weekend.

If your getting worse fast then he will have to take the day off.

BoozyBear · 20/09/2013 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenSunglasses · 20/09/2013 08:51

Situations like this are really hard, but depending on what job your DH does, I can understand it being very difficult for him to take days off. It doesn't go down too well when you try to tell your boss that you need an unplanned day off because your wife has the makings of a chest infection.

I think that as you have the weekend coming up, take that as your opportunity to rest, assuming your DH doesn't work weekends that is.

What are your birthday celebrations? If its low key, YANBU to want to cancel, but if it's the sort of thing that your friends will have booked babysitters for or have paid a deposit on, the I think you need to be really properly ill to cancel.

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 20/09/2013 08:55

Dh doesn't have fixed hours. He has the kind of job where everyone works stupid hours and is normally out of the house by 7am. I think he doesn't want to look bad, but won't loose a days pay iykwim. It's making me really grudge him. If I was a nanny/cook/cleaner I would have more rights. It's making me think its time to get back to work, at least then I could feel sorry for my self while someone looked after the kids. No other child care options this week.

I have no food in, so about to brave the supermarket and then take youngest for his immunisation injection. Will check back later. Thanks for the sympathy. I was expecting a pull yourself together type flaming.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 20/09/2013 08:59

My celebration is a meal with dh so we can spend quality time together. Will only be cancelling restaurant booking and babysitter who won't mind. Dh has already had a meal out with work this week.

OP posts:

wishingforwillpower · 20/09/2013 09:17

I really feel for you. Twice since DS was born I have had to phone DH at work and tell him he needs to come home - both times I have been totally incapacitated with a terrible migraine. His employer seems to be fairly laid back although DH doesn't want to take the piss. I think it probably was marked down as unpaid leave or something. I have also once or twice said I think I can manage but please can you leave at 5pm on the dot and get home to help with dinner and bath which he always does.
So I think you are DNBU in asking your DH to take even a day off to help you. If he really can't explain the situation to his boss perhaps he could call in sick? Naughty I know but it really sounds like you need some rest or you will only get worse. And make sure this weekend you take it easy as much as possible. (I know this is easier said than done - if I try and sneak back to bed at the weekend usually within five minutes I will hear DS toddling from room to room shouting MUUUUMEEEE!).
Hope you get well soon! And yes I agree about going back to work, I am now back at work and it is MUCH easier being sick in the office than being sick at home with kids!

FauxFox · 20/09/2013 09:19

Can you make the babysitter come this afternoon instead and go back to bed?

mumofboyo · 20/09/2013 09:43

I had sinusitis and chest infection a few months ago, luckily it fell on some days I was meant to be working so, although I lost pay the dc were at nursery. It was dreadful and the only thing that helped was antibiotics from the doctor. You need to see your gp, make an emergency appt or even ask for a home visit if you can't get in.
When I had my wisdom tooth out and developed dry socket and gum infection I was in no fit state to look after dc, who are only 12 mo and 2.5, so dh took time off. He's had to do this loads over the last yr because I've struggled with depression and other illnesses, and has used most of his holiday days or been given unpaid family leave, but has never minded or questioned when I've asked him to.
Your dh needs to stay home today, and the next few days really, to give you chance to rest and fully recover. If you're ill you can't look after such young dc safely.
Hope you're better soon

pianodoodle · 20/09/2013 09:47

Ugh it's horrible being sick when you're at home with toddlers it isn't like you can phone in and say you aren't working today!

I think DH has taken a couple of days off for this reason in the past few years. Nothing excessive but once when I had a migraine and just couldn't find anyone to help.

If his job allows it this sounds like one of those times!

MsVestibule · 20/09/2013 09:54

I have to say, this thread has been a lot more measured than other threads I've seen asking this question! One poster wrote something along the lines of "it's the flip side of being able to spend all day in the park while you're DH works hard for you". I took a wild guess that he/she had never been a SAHP of two pre-schoolers...

YANBU. If you're too ill to look after young children, your DH should tell his employers that he's taking the parental leave that he's legally entitled to. If it's unpaid, so be it. Employers get away with this because people don't challenge them. At the absolute minimum, he should be working reduced hours. I'd be really pissed off with him if I was you - he's putting his employer's 'wants' ahead of your real needs.

ChunkyPickle · 20/09/2013 09:54

His job does allow it:

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/your-rights

He has no childcare, his childcare (ie OP) is too ill to safely look after his children, and he needs a day to sort something out (or to give OP a chance to be well)

Employers only get away with this stuff because we let them.

WilsonFrickett · 20/09/2013 09:57

If you have budget for a meal out and a sitter I would seriously be redirecting that to an afternoon of babysitting, at least for your toddler, while you rest/snuggle with the baby. I wouldn't even hesitate, I'd call your agency/sitter NOW and see if someone can come for the afternoon.

If not I would go to the corner shop for Heinz tomato soup and lots of fruit juice, break out the DVDs, get the duvets downstairs to make camps/nests and generally not move if at all possible.

and hope you feel better.

Tailtwister · 20/09/2013 09:59

You have my sympathy, it's awful when you're ill and have young children to look after.

YANBU to want help from your DH. Can he take some holiday? DH has had to do the same for me when I've been ill on a couple of occasions. Once I was vomiting non stop and couldn't actually move from the bathroom floor. The second I had a dreadful virus and couldn't get out of bed.

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