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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be getting irritated with new man because he is too nice?

52 replies

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/09/2013 08:38

I have been seeing someone new for about a month, but he is just too nice, like ridiculously nice. And its irritating me. I sound like a complete bitch I know but I like to have to work for it a little iykwim....I am all for him being a gentleman, but I prefer a little harder work than this! How do I get him to stop??? He is going to put me right off him which is a shame because he is so lovely, attractive, intelligent.....just a bit of a walkover me thinks

OP posts:

forehead · 17/09/2013 08:49

' ...he is lovely,attractive intelligent...'
I will find someone who will have him

ElleMcFearsome · 17/09/2013 08:56

I felt like this until I met DH who is the Nicest Man on the Planet (TM). It took a bit of getting used to but it's LOVELY now. I'll take someone nice, who isn't a stroppy, shouty arse over someone who makes me "work for it". Sorry OP, YABU I think.

MissMuesli · 17/09/2013 09:00

YABU, don't try and change who he is. The qualities you describe are ideal, if you don't want him leave him for someone who does!

HatieKokpins · 17/09/2013 09:01

There's a million other women who'd take him off your hands if you seriously can't deal with it.

Or, you could just, you know, go with the flow and ENJOY the nice change. You never know, you might like it.

blobfish · 17/09/2013 09:04

The men who make you "work for it" always turn out to be unpleasant and unsatisfactory. It's you who needs to change - work on your self respect and self esteem and raise your expectations. Or let him find someone who appreciates him.

Preciousbane · 17/09/2013 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper · 17/09/2013 09:06

i think you need to look at yourself more

what is wrong with being nice?

livinginwonderland · 17/09/2013 09:09

I think I get you. I don't like people who are "too nice". Not just in relationships, but people in general. I once dated someone who agreed with me all the time (even though he didn't) because he didn't want to upset me. And it was frustrating. I like dating someone with their own opinions and someone who isn't worried about disagreeing with me sometimes.

DP and I are VERY different. Our only similiarities are our sense of humour and our love of food. Otherwise, we're total opposites. But, it works. He treats me amazingly but we can talk and have discussions about things and have different opinions. I think it's important to be with someone who is nice but who isn't afraid to have their own opinions or whatever.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 17/09/2013 09:09

DH is a very nice man. It took some getting used to but actually that is what makes a good long term partner rather than an exciting twat.

I had very low expectations when we started dating and I was amazed every time he did something lovely. I still appreciate him.

Unless of course you mean that he is a mug/doormat who allows people to walk all over him left right and centre, which is a different thing altogether.

Pagwatch · 17/09/2013 09:11

Or perhaps have a think about why a lovely, intelligent man being nice is off putting.

My sister was like this. Wanted men she had to work to win, like they were a prize that would prove she was good enough. She dressed it up as 'i like bad boys' . They were all wankers of course and she would end up wondering why. It was all grimly obvious.

WiddleAndPuke · 17/09/2013 09:14

I sort of get you.

When I first met DH he was SO nice. Too nice. All gentlemanly and sending flowers after the first date and all that. My friends were all "Oh god you lucky thing he's so NICE!" And I was a bit "Hmm. Yeah. A bit...dull though".

Then we had our first argument (totally my fault) and he was pissed off with me and I thought "Hmm...maybe you've got a bit about you after all..."

Now 14 years later he's still nice but he's certainly not a pushover. I'd take nice over arsehole any day!

Mumsyblouse · 17/09/2013 09:18

I have to say having married a very interesting but challenging man, I now rank nice as one of the most important qualities for long-term happiness. That's not to say doormat- if he's always not making decisions, letting you be mean, letting you have your own way, this is not attractive. But kind, caring, considerate, not looking for a fight in life, much better in the long run. Trying to have a career, look after kids and juggle modern life with a man who is 'hard work' (they don't change) is exactly that: hard work.

LaRegina · 17/09/2013 09:22

In the nicest possible way OP, I think you need to grow up . How old are you? I'm thinking if you're 25 or under that's a way of thinking you grow out of in time (hopefully)...

Seriously - in the long term you could be really happy with a man like that. Think yourself v luck you've got one

Gingerandcocoa · 17/09/2013 09:23

Sounds like my ex boyfriend, who I didn't really like but took me a while to realise.

I'm now with my husband who is really nice to but who I love so much!

Maybe you're just not into him?

Crowler · 17/09/2013 09:24

I would give this an opportunity to develop into a slow burn, OP! Do not go looking for the not-so-nice guys.

melika · 17/09/2013 09:25

omg, give him here!

ShabbyButNotChic · 17/09/2013 09:36

Dp used to be 'nice' turns out he was trying to impress me! It wore off after about a month :) dont get me wrong he is amazing and treats me well etc, but he doesnt always agree with me damn him and will happily tell me when im being a dickhead. I dont think we would still be together if he was as 'nice' as when we first met!

One of my friends is with someone who is known as a bit of a wet lettuce, he never has an opinion, lets her make every decision, etc. we cant stand him.....

Lottapianos · 17/09/2013 09:43

What are you worth OP? Do you think you deserve to be treated well, with respect, with consideration? I think you need to have a serious think about why you would want to be with someone who is 'harder work than this'. I mean that kindly - why would you want your relationship to be hard work?

I knew that my DP was a good person when I realised that there was no hard work involved at the beginning of our relationship - if he said he would call, he did. If we were supposed to go out on Saturday, we went out on Saturday. There was no game playing, he was kind and thoughtful and honest. I think there is a cultural belief going around that a 'real man' is a bit useless, thoughtless, crass, unemotional, needs managing and can't really be expected to treat other people decently. It's utter rubbish. Please don't start kidding yourself that there is something unmanly about being kind and considerate. He sounds lovely, but of course it's your relationship and you have to be happy in it.

LaRegina · 17/09/2013 10:11

Absolutely agree with Lotta

quoteunquote · 17/09/2013 10:25

Oh marry him, about 21 years ago ,I met the nicest gentleman on the planet, it has been a blast,

He is truly wonderful and has made life a joy.

I love him more each day,

His influence is a great gift to all our children,

Sit yourself down and have a word with yourself about why you don't deserve this,

after trying a good selection of the men who wished they could be great(but failed at the basics), it did take a bit of adjustment, (I was on guard for ages), now I just enjoy being adored by a wonderful person.

Original poster

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/09/2013 10:28

I know IABU, I am actually 30 years old, its not that I don't want someone 'nice' its the 'too nice'

Argh

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 17/09/2013 10:28

Going to buck the trend here a bit.. Do you mean he seems desperate? I think I understand what you mean if he is crawling along at your feet and you feel like your pedestal isn't worthy. I think my friend nailed it when she said men are like taxi's; when their light comes on they are ready to settle down. It really is seemingly quite sudden for some men, and some of the qualities you describe remind me of my ex (who went on to propose to someone 3 weeks after our split, got married 4 months after that and now thinks he has made a massive mistake, apparently). He was really almost smarmy though, really unattractive.

poachedeggs · 17/09/2013 10:32

"exciting twat"

I get you OP. I had to end a long relationship once because he would do anything for me. To the point of subservience. When I got cross with his subservience he tried to stand up for himself more and then I just resented that he wouldn't put himself out for me like he used to.

I was the bad guy, not him, but I can be forceful and I need someone who's prepared to be assertive. Walkovers are unattractive.

Incidentally I sometimes look back wistfully at my ex. It would never have worked but he was a properly lovely guy. Not that DH isn't obviously, but I think if ex and I met now for the first time I might be more accepting of him.

Lioninthesun · 17/09/2013 10:32

The fact you say he is intelligent hopefully means he isn't a 'wet lettuce' - as he will have opinions and be able to voice them, but maybe at a later date when he feels he has woo'd you My wet lettuce ex actually asked if I had really read all of my books this was quickly followed by a 'pop quiz' where he read the names from the spines and asked me for a synopsis. Turns out he had only read 3 books since school (he is 40 this year). I ran for the hills.

KellyElly · 17/09/2013 10:33

I used to think like this and then I ended up having a child with someone who turned out to be an absolute piece of shit. I'll take him off your hands.

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