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AIBU?

to be getting irritated with new man because he is too nice?

52 replies

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/09/2013 08:38

I have been seeing someone new for about a month, but he is just too nice, like ridiculously nice. And its irritating me. I sound like a complete bitch I know but I like to have to work for it a little iykwim....I am all for him being a gentleman, but I prefer a little harder work than this! How do I get him to stop??? He is going to put me right off him which is a shame because he is so lovely, attractive, intelligent.....just a bit of a walkover me thinks

OP posts:

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FlankShaftMcWap · 17/09/2013 10:37

I totally get what you mean, DH and I were 18 and 16 when we first got together and I shamefully ended up dumping him because he just wouldn't argue with me! Ever! There were times when I was so cross with him and I needed to have it out but he always just apologised and, get this, learned from it! Unforgivable when your 16 and tempestuous

For years afterwards we bumped into each other constantly and we eventually got together properly in our twenties, I grew into him

digerd · 17/09/2013 11:02

That type is a keeper. Perhaps you are too young to appreciate that.
But you've known him only 1 month so cannot really know him yet and he is his on best behaviour atm trying to woo you.
I feel sorry or him and think he deserves somebody who does love him madly, as you obviously don't.

Birdsgottafly · 17/09/2013 11:23

My abusive ex led me onto the relationship board and into reading a lot about different types of abuser.

I think if I met an overly nice man now, I would keep him at arms length and see it as a possible red flag.

It depends in what way he is overly nice and if he is like that with everyone, there should be a difference in the way you are with a partner.

As long as he has shown he has a defining personality and his own mind/wants.

It's early days and as for him deserving someone who loves him, it is too early to declare that anyway.

It depends on how well you know him and his background.

My ex is being charm personified to a woman he is chasing at the moment, he isn't showing any where near what the real him is, yet. People around her are considering warning her, but its tough.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 17/09/2013 11:25

I do know what you mean about been too nice. I was seeing someone who was too nice, so nice he became creepy

But that's not what I get from this. If you don't want him I will send you my address so you can mail him to me

neolara · 17/09/2013 11:26

If he's irritating you after a month, you need to find someone else and let him find someone who loves him for who he is.

HairyGrotter · 17/09/2013 11:31

DP is nice, he's too nice to other folk, as in, gets mugged off a bit too much, but he's starting to realise this.

Prior to DP, I went out with some right fuckers, I can't appreciate DP enough, he's lovely, bloody lovely. Try it out, I'm a bit of a narky bint, but DP calms me lovely!

LunaticFringe · 17/09/2013 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/09/2013 11:44

I have known him years I should have added, he is my little sisters best mate. He was taken for a mug by his complete bitch of an ex and I am scared I will become a bitch unless he gets a backbone.....

I need to go with the flow as a previous poster suggested.....

OP posts:

CuChullain · 17/09/2013 11:48

ZZZenagain · 17/09/2013 11:50

maybe he is not for you

How do you get him to stop being nice? I hope you don't really.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/09/2013 11:54

I don't know what you mean by 'too nice'. I think the issue is, there is no spark. Give it a bit longer and if he still doesn't do anything for you, move on.

DropYourSword · 17/09/2013 11:55

I think the problem is that sometimes "nice" men are just opinionless / spineless / not genuine. I really hate that whole "I don't get why I'm single, I'm so nice" from men who are sometimes just a bit desperate and needy. I think it's far more important to be kind than "nice".

aPseudonymToFoolHim · 17/09/2013 11:58

I am scared I will become a bitch unless he gets a backbone.....

Have my very first

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/09/2013 11:59

DropYourSword - brilliant! Kind over nice. I've never thought of it that way but that distinction is so true.

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/09/2013 12:09

there is a definite spark, i just don't want someone so agreeable, I need to be challenged

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 17/09/2013 12:17

i so get this, i think ybu but not for horriable reasons.

my ex after exh was way to nice, was a real gentleman, he did the little stuff, never once raised his voice to me, never played games, was allready commited to help me with stuff before i even asked him (think house move, picking me up from hospital and staying with me after a op with included genral)

it unerved me, and felt he was to nice, id say so much to my friends and they would tell me to shut up and deal with it, becasue he was the perfect man for me, offer thasn working to much.

i think you need to look into your self, are you used to being treated badly? so his niceness makes you nervous? it did me, i was allways waiting for him to turn. i also felt like i didnt know where i stood, like if i pissed him off i was never sure if he would tell me.

Lottapianos · 17/09/2013 12:17

I guess you need to ditch him and find someone less agreeable then OP. You can't expect this bloke to change for you. I'm serious though - you need to think very long and hard about why you want to be 'challenged' in a relationship. Good luck because I think you may need it

Dahlen · 17/09/2013 12:20

I think you need to define nice a bit more. If you actually mean weak, that's a good enough reason to end it because it can lead to a complete loss of respect, without which love cannot survive.

However, you can be weak and not nice. There isn't a link. Some of the nicest people I know have backbones of steel.

If you actually mean he's just a genuine guy and you find that boring, I honestly feel you may need to look very long and deep into your past relationships and possibly your childhood to learn why you associate excitement with being treated badly.

LadyBigtoes · 17/09/2013 12:33

Yes this completely depends on what you mean. If you feel uncomfortable being treated with respect, and have an attraction to actually unpleasant men, then you should probably give Mr Nice more of a chance.

OTOH I need a man with an opinion and a backbone - I did once dump a lovely, lovely boyfriend because although he was genuinely kind, thoughtful and intelligent, he would not disagree with me. He bowed to everything I thought or said, he would ask me what to do with his life then do what I suggested. I didn't want that responsibility and it felt like being with a child.

Also as has been said, abusive types can have an almost eerily smooth, generous, charming exterior at first which it's good to learn to recognise, so if we're talking about this, then you may also have reason to be suspicious.

TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 12:37

More fool you OP.

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/09/2013 13:00

I know more fool me.....

I have been in abusive, violent and otherwise, relationships forever really

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 17/09/2013 13:03

OP - I cannot recommend counselling/psychotherapy enough. I have a history of emotional abuse within my family and within relationships and it's so difficult to find your way out of unhealthy thought patterns by yourself. I would strongly advise you to spend time working this through with a trained professional. And keep posting - lots of us are in the same boat.

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Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 13:04

Follow your gut, it is telling you something.

You are basically picking up with your irritation that this man completely denies anger as an emotion, which means that he is not in touch with himself as a whole person, and won't be able to do give and take.

His contract which he probably isn't even aware of is: if I give and give and give, then you will love me and make me happy. It comes from way back in his past.

It means he negotiates by manipulativing, and 'hoping' you will give him what he needs instead of upfront owning it and asking.

The downside of that? SULKING and WITHDRAWING.

'Too nice' means: huge passive aggressive issues, he offloads the anger on to you. That is why you are getting irritated.

HatieKokpins · 17/09/2013 13:14

How the hell do you know all that about him from the phrase "too nice"? Jesus.

SignoraStronza · 17/09/2013 13:17

I used to think this about my dh. Until we got together (12 years down the line) and I realised that he is what I'd call 'quietly stubborn' and is by no means a pushover.

Although I could kick myself for not jumping on him going out with him when we were younger, I realise Id have probably not been very nice to him and taken his genuinely lovely nature for granted. I.e, would have chucked it away.

As it was, I spent seven years with a hard work, controlling, abusive arsehole and lived with the drama.

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