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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have this school trip "cost" DS something

28 replies

PractialJoke · 14/09/2013 07:58

He's 13 and wants to go on a 9 day watersports trip, overseas, costing £700.

It sounds like a great trip and we can afford for him to go if that's what he really wants, although obviously we will miss the money.

There will however there will be other trips that come up and he needs to understand that if he goes on this one, there won't be any others at least this year or next.

So partly as a way of making sure this is what he really wants, and partly to cover some of the cost, I was going to say that he can go, but there won't be any birthday party this year and that if he needs any spending money he will need to save/earn it himself. Obviously he's getting a bit old for parties as such, but probably is expecting some sort of "do" maybe a few friends to the cinema and something to eat kind of thing.

AIBU?

OP posts:

QueenofLouisiana · 14/09/2013 08:01

Seems reasonable to me!

Cezzy · 14/09/2013 08:04

He is old enough to understand how much money that is so I dont think its unreasonable to ask him to help.

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/09/2013 08:04

I would still let him have a small party but a definite yes to earning spending money

TallGiraffe · 14/09/2013 08:08

Could you not get him to work for half the cost? At 13 he could do a lot of useful chores for you and other family members!

softlysoftly · 14/09/2013 08:18

I agree with understanding the cost so earming spends,no trips this year.

I think however if you can afford the trip then nothing at all for his birthday (cinema trip) just to prove a point is a bit mean tbh.

Turniptwirl · 14/09/2013 09:42

Maybe not ban bday party but offer options. You'll pay for the trip but no bday do and he earns his own spending money. Or he pays X amount towards it as well as spending money and you'll pay for a bday thing. This is bday and/or Xmas pressie so he won't get more than small token gifts on the day etc etc

Justforlaughs · 14/09/2013 09:46

Mine never had birthday parties at 13 so not sure about that one. I'd give money as birthday and Christmas presents, that he could use as spending money. I'd also be encouraging him to find a job, such as "sticking up"; or extra chores around the house to earn money towards the trip.

teacherandguideleader · 14/09/2013 09:46

I had a trip to Switzerland with my guide group for my 18th birthday rather than a party. I have so many more memories than it just being another party. YANBU at all.

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/09/2013 09:47

I think saving for his own spending money is fine but if you can afford the trip it seems mean to say he cant have a birthday celebration just to teach him a lesson.

Tortoisegirl · 14/09/2013 10:00

Excellent idea! Learning the value of money is vital even if you can afford to pay for it. I like the idea of earning cash for him to spend as I do think that it is also important to understand how much work is required to earn £10/£100. More than they think!
My Dad lent me £4000 to buy my first car (a loooooong time ago!). As he pointed out at the time, he could have bought me a new one outright but wasn't going to. In fact I paid him interest on the loan (whatever it would have been earning in the bank) and signed a contract he wrote out with repayment schedule! Now I knew at the time if things didn't pan out, he wouldn't hold me to it, but it reinforces the seriousness of borrowing money. He grew up with no Dad and very little cash so learnt this lesson the hard way.
I learnt a lot from my Dad's attitude to money and was mortgage free at 37 as a result. Oh and I did have a life as well, not just eating beans on toast and staying at home!

mrsjay · 14/09/2013 10:03

I dont see a problem whether you can afford it is besides the point £700 is a lot of money and I do think they need to appreciate the costs and add something to it, I didnt send dds to all the trips and there was loads for the same reason imo they cant have it all yanbu

sooperdooper · 14/09/2013 11:05

I think it's a great idea to make him appreciate the value of money, whether you can afford it or not doesn't mean it's not a lot of money - its more than our monthly mortgage payment and he's old enough to learn that kind of comparison imo.

No party, and earning spending money is a good plan, do it

bundaberg · 14/09/2013 11:11

i'm going to be the voice of dissent and say that I think it sounds a bit bizarre!

you can afford it, but you think he shouldn't have a birthday party because then he'll realise the value of money???
plus he won't go on any other potential trips?

i think to say to him that if he goes on this one then that's it for trips for the next year or so, but I am really struggling to see the connection with a birthday party. that kind of seems like a bit of a punishment? or can you genuinely not afford the trip and a birthday do?

agree with him earning his own spending money though

TeeBee · 14/09/2013 11:29

It's obvious. The money that would normally pay for his party is being used to art fund the trip. It is not a punishment!

Topseyt · 14/09/2013 11:33

I would certainly say no further trips for the foreseeable future. The life lesson that "money doesn't grow on trees" is a valuable one.

I would still get basic presents for his birthday, but we are also a family which has to count the pennies, so an expensive trip to cinema/pizza would probably have to be ruled out.

Original poster

PractialJoke · 14/09/2013 11:41

Ah I should have said, there is (a bit of) a connection as the trip is around the same time of year as his birthday, but it's not a punishment, more a lesson that money is a limited resource and if it's spent on the trip, it can't be spent on a big birthday celebration as well.

We will still have a small family celebration and there would be a normal present, just not a big all friends included outing.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 14/09/2013 11:45

It isn't a punishment a birthday party isn't a right I cant see the op ignoring her boy on his birthday and him getting a lump of coal and he should be bloody grateful he is 13 not 3 he understands the concept of expensive trip something has to give I am sure he will cope with not going bowling with his friends on his birthday

bundaberg · 14/09/2013 12:00

Ok maybe punishment was the wrong word but it still seems a bit weird to me. Saving up spending money or working for extra is a good way of learning the value of money. I'm not sure how not doing anything for his birthday teaches anything tho, unless he knows the value of a birthday treat already. Does that make sense?

MimiSunshine · 14/09/2013 12:02

I think it's a good idea to ask him to contribute to sue ding money, not the actual trip as your the parent, you decide if that's financially viable and he isn't in a position to earn enough to pay for it himself. Youre right he needs to understand the value of money and how buying one thing usually means not being able to buy the next thing you like.
My brother never learnt this (parents enabled it far longer than they did with me) until be was forced to at about 18 and was shocked at the true cost of things.

I'd suggest telling him that if he has the trip he can't have 6 friends to the cinema as that would cost £x but he can have 2 friends over for tea which £y less and the difference would have to go towards the trip.
It's hardly going to cover the costs but shows that sacrifices have to be made.

MimiSunshine · 14/09/2013 12:02

Spending not sue ding

mrsjay · 14/09/2013 12:05

unless he knows the value of a birthday treat already. Does that make sense?

yes it makes sense
well he is 13 he will know money needs to be spent on a birthday party I dont think it is mean or will do him harm £700 is a lot of money to spend on a school trip and it looks like the OP wants him to realise that he cant have it all,

Pachacuti · 14/09/2013 12:10

"it can't be spent on a big birthday celebration as well"

But you said there wouldn't be a big birthday celebration anyway... unless we're floundering over different ideas of "a few". I'd be inclined to let him have one or two friends to the cinema plus popcorn/ice cream/hot dog and it seems a bit mean to scrap that; if you were thinking of five or six friends to the cinema plus Pizza Express afterwards then, sure, sounds perfectly fair to scale that back to one or two friends and no pizza.

Original poster

PractialJoke · 14/09/2013 12:12

A few (8?) friends for cinema and Pizza is what, about £200? That's a big celebration IMO.

OP posts:

Pachacuti · 14/09/2013 12:15

I thought that might be it -- yes, agree entirely. I wouldn't have described 8 as "a few" and "something to eat" wouldn't have been a pizza restaurant. If that's the scale of what you'd normally have in mind then scaling it way back seems reasonable (but I'd still let him do something with one or two of his best friends).

FelineFurry · 14/09/2013 12:33

Not unreasonable at all. I did the exact same with my 10 year old. He wanted to go on a £900 ski trip. It was a stretch for us and there is no way we could afford to go skiing as a family so I thought it would be nice to let him go.

He didn't have his usual party and his birthday presnts were related to the ski trip (jacket, salopettes etc etc). I also told him it didn't set a precedence as I know our financial situation was likely to take a turn for the worse the following year and he was unlikely to be able to go on trips the following year (which is what happened).

He loved the trip and does understand we're not made of money and will only ever ask if it's something he really wants to do

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