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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have considered this cheating?

100 replies

SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:35

DH recently found out that during the first year of our relationship, I had a few encounters with another girl. We were 19, I didn't tell him at the time as I presumed he wouldn't 'mind'. In my defense, he and many of our other male friends would go on about girl on girl being 'hot' (I know that sounds lame and embarrassing, but we were teenagers).

Well, he is very cross. Bear in mind, we are 7 years on now - married with a child. He knew that I'd had these experiences before our relationship, so it's not like he's shocked by the nature of it. I have made a genuinely apology, but he says he is disappointed in me.

Not to sound extremely childish, but he did his fair share of lying in that first year too!

Yes we sound childish, but we are now married with 2 children and a lot more mature.

Was I wrong? I have apologised over and over..

OP posts:
Famzilla · 02/09/2013 21:38

If you have apologised then surely it is because you know you are wrong?

If you would consider it cheating if you did what you did with a man, then it's cheating. The gender is irrelevant.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2013 21:39

If he'd been fucking a man during your first year and not told you, would you consider it cheating?

Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:40

I do know that it was probably wrong not to tell him. He has said though, that he's 'not upset like he would be if it was a man, but disappointed all the same' which is surely a contradiction?!

OP posts:
Whitershadeofpale · 02/09/2013 21:40

Yes you were wrong you cheated on him male or female is irrelevant. But I think it was so long ago and you've both moved on so you need to communicate and acknowledge that what you did was wrong and find a way to move forward.

barbedgirl · 02/09/2013 21:40

I actually think it's naive to say that the gender is irrelevant. I don't think the gender is irrelevant to everyone, although it may be to some.

BlueJess · 02/09/2013 21:40

If he told you he'd had 'encounters' with a man during the same time period how would you feel?

You really wouldn't mind.

GetStuffezd · 02/09/2013 21:40

You were sexually intimate with another person. It's cheating. The "girl on girl is hot" argument is a bit pathetic really.
I don't blame him for reacting this way, it's quite a shock to find out someone you trusted was having sex behind your back... Hmm

wannaBe · 02/09/2013 21:41

if your dh told you that during the first year you were together he'd had an affair with another woman how would you feel? The fact that you slept with other women as opposed to men is irrelevant; you cheated on your dh while you were still together. cheating is cheating regardless of who it was with.

Whitershadeofpale · 02/09/2013 21:41

It wasn't that it was wrong not to tell him it was wrong to do it in the first place

Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:41

Mrs If I already knew he was that way inclined, I honestly can't see that I'd be that bothered/shocked...we were young. But maybe I would be. I don't know.

He has said though that he'd be more upset if it was a man, whereas he's not planning on re-evaluating our marriage over this - so clearly it isn't the same. In his eyes, anyway.

OP posts:
Yorkieaddict · 02/09/2013 21:41

YABU. If you really didn't think he would mind you would have mentioned it at some point in the last 7 years! That said I don't think cheating at that early stage of a relationship is as bad as cheating once you are more established and have made a commitment to each other, so I can sort of see what you mean.

TeamEdward · 02/09/2013 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mynameisslimshady · 02/09/2013 21:43

It is cheating, and if he has just found out then you can't blame him for being upset. You have had time to get used to it, process it and move on, he still has all that to go through yet.

Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:44

Sorry, we have 2 children.

For the record, he wasn't white as white in our first year together either. I don't hold any grudges!

OP posts:
meditrina · 02/09/2013 21:45

Of course he's cross. You cheated and were wrong in your assessment of his reaction: he does mind. And that's a perfectly reasonable reaction.

Clearly other things were wrong in you relationship then, but that doesn't justify infidelity.

Now, the question is, do you want to stay married? For your DH,this isn't 7 years old - it's brand new news. It may take much more than a spoken apology to get reconciliation underway.

Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:46

It's his reaction though that is bugging me, he himself has said that he'd be more upset if it was a man - that would cause him to re-evaluate our relationship. He is 'just pissed off' (his words) about this! So he is sending mixed messages himself. I do respect that he's upset, I'm not challenging him about it and I have apologised for lying.

OP posts:
Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:47

Of course I want to stay married meditrina, as does he.

OP posts:
SarahPercyAndBill · 02/09/2013 21:47

You've posted this before and had loads of responses. Why are you asking the same exact question again?

GetStuffezd · 02/09/2013 21:47

Are you trying to "win" the argument by making it all about gender? Why not just make it about the bare facts - you betrayed his trust by fucking someone else?

GetStuffezd · 02/09/2013 21:48

You've posted this before and had loads of responses. Why are you asking the same exact question again?
Ah. Hmm

Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:48

Huh? I've not posted this before Confused

OP posts:
Hulababy · 02/09/2013 21:48

Your OP states "AIBU to not have considered this cheating"

You had a sexual relationship with another person whilst you and your DH were together. Presumably your DH had not agreed with you that your relationship was an open one and you could both have other relationships at the same time.

Therefore IMO it was cheating.

Original poster
SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:49

This literally happened 3 days ago! I have not posted about this before.

OP posts:
justmyview · 02/09/2013 21:50

I think if you really didn't think he'd think it was an issue, you'd have mentioned it to him before now

YAbitU and naive to think that apologising makes it OK. Granted, it's a step in the right direction, but you need to acknowledge how he feels, instead of expecting him to get over it right away

WorraLiberty · 02/09/2013 21:50

Of course it's cheating, I'm suprised you have to ask? Confused

How did he find out?