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AIBU?

to not have considered this cheating?

100 replies

SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 21:35

DH recently found out that during the first year of our relationship, I had a few encounters with another girl. We were 19, I didn't tell him at the time as I presumed he wouldn't 'mind'. In my defense, he and many of our other male friends would go on about girl on girl being 'hot' (I know that sounds lame and embarrassing, but we were teenagers).

Well, he is very cross. Bear in mind, we are 7 years on now - married with a child. He knew that I'd had these experiences before our relationship, so it's not like he's shocked by the nature of it. I have made a genuinely apology, but he says he is disappointed in me.

Not to sound extremely childish, but he did his fair share of lying in that first year too!

Yes we sound childish, but we are now married with 2 children and a lot more mature.

Was I wrong? I have apologised over and over..

OP posts:

Report

mrsfuzzy · 05/09/2013 13:18

kali yes you are quite right, i jumped the gun a little.

kali110 · 05/09/2013 10:49

Mrs he didnt know until recently she had cheated.

mrsfuzzy · 05/09/2013 08:25

you apologized, he stayed with you it's not fair to use this as a stick to beat you with, he needs to move on and put it behind you, it's history.

mynameismskane · 05/09/2013 06:48

How did he cheat on you and when?

Jolleigh · 03/09/2013 21:23

Have only read the original post, not full thread but...

I'd be seriously fuming. He married you and had a child with you not knowing you were cheating on him in the early days. The girl on girl nature is completely irrelevant. You cheated, let him make life choices without knowing what you'd done, and now you seem to think it's ok because it wasn't a man you cheated with?

BellEndTent · 03/09/2013 21:06

I would be furious and very hurt if I found out my DH had done something like this and kept it from me for all this time.

IamRacnoss · 03/09/2013 20:19

I would be furious if found out dh had slept with someone else while we were together even if it was in the beginning, I would wonder if he could do it then he could do it again. I also find it bizarre when people say 2 women having sex isn't technically cheating , its incredibly insulting to bi and lesbian women almost like they are not having real sex, I wonder if your dh told you he had sex with another man when you were together if you would feel the same

SorryAndConfused · 03/09/2013 11:30

I know, but it was years ago and I see it as a different lifetime. It just doesn't feel relevant. It doesn't matter anyway, he made me a coffee before he left this morning so I imagine I'm forgiven.

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kali110 · 03/09/2013 11:28

But you should be sorry for not telling truth. Just because he cheated doesnt mean that its ok to do it. Two wrongs dont make a right.

SorryAndConfused · 03/09/2013 11:11

I'm sorry that he's upset, I genuinely am.

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differentnameforthis · 03/09/2013 11:09

Thing is, it doesn't if you consider it cheating or not, because you are not the wronged party, your dh is.

Therefore, if he considers it cheating, it's cheating.

I know you said you have apologised, but it doesn't sound like you are actually sorry.

SorryAndConfused · 03/09/2013 11:07

No - I don't know. To talk about it, I guess? To discuss the hypocrisy of what he's saying?

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ZipIt · 03/09/2013 11:07

For what it's worth, I don't think you've done anything terrible, OP.
I think he's allowed to be a bit miffed (but I'm sure will get over it). If you're kind to each other about it, I'm sure this will pass.

SuperiorCat · 03/09/2013 11:03

I'm not sure what you want from this thread tbh. If you wanted serious relationship advice you'd have been better posting in Relationships, do you just want a MN jury to tell you that you are in the right?

SorryAndConfused · 03/09/2013 11:01

Yes, we were intimate..I have admitted I was wrong to lie!

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mrsjay · 03/09/2013 10:46

yes you cheated on him I am assuming you were intimate with these girls and not just a suggestion of something. why didnt you say at the time lying and having sex with womebody else however brief is not the same what was missing was a penis thats all that is different, Instead of expecting him to laugh it off or get over it, admit you were in the wrong and then you can both move on,

SorryAndConfused · 03/09/2013 10:42

He didn't 'come clean' Lazyjaney he was caught, each time! He didn't confess

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Lazyjaney · 03/09/2013 07:09

^^
That, plus the OP not coming clean at the time when he did.

gamerchick · 03/09/2013 06:51

Personally I don't think he's annoyed so much about the act himself but more the way he found out. Imagine sitting and one of his pals spoke of something you didn't know but was apparently common knowledge? I know I would feel a bit scrunchy inside.

SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 23:48

Ha ha, I like that - thanks!

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Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 23:48

And he shouldnt be punishing you at all!

You do know that you dont have to accept bad treatment dont you? As June says, tell him to wind his neck in. Get pissed off, not acquiescent!

Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 23:47

I agree with June

"Right, been thinking about this and I think that as we were both in the wrong with what we did we should just draw a line under it and move on. If you cant do that then it undermines the fact that I forgave you and moved on and makes me question your morals"

That should do it

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SorryAndConfused · 02/09/2013 23:39

Thanks everyone.

Well that's kind of how I feel Bogey and June but I'm trying to be sensitive to his feelings, and hope that he won't punish me for too long :/ To be fair, at the time - I didn't give him much of a hard time about it, so it's not like I've been holding it all over his head the entire relationship!

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Junebugjr · 02/09/2013 23:22

He's very cross?? After what he got up to, he opened your relationship up to other people, I would have done a bit of retaliating too, he may as well have given you an open invitation.
Tell him to wind his neck in, hes had his apology, it was when you were both young, and he was up to the exactly the same thing. I wouldn't grovel anymore, the cheek of him!!

Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 23:16

YABU to think it wasnt cheating.

YANBU to think that he is a steaming hypocrite and ask him to nail his colours to the flag as to what he regards as cheating. Either it is cheating, regardless of gender, or it isnt.

Given that he was being a tosser at that time too, his reaction is a massive example of double standards. I think it might be nothing to do with what you did, but more the fact that you knew about his transgressions and he didnt know about yours. So he feels that you have something over him (not least, the ability to lie :o )

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