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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share all my passwords with DP?

49 replies

grobagsforever · 26/08/2013 15:42

You see a lot on mumsnet about how couples should have free acess to each others phones, emails, FB etc. Well I do not share any of my passwords with DP and I would be livid if I caught him going through my phone or mail.I have nothing to hide as such, I just feel I am a separate adult and entitled to my privacy. On the other hand I do know his passwords, although I never snope. For context, we have been together 10 plus years and have DC. I'm just confused by this level of access most mumsnetters seem to expect..... Interested in views.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 26/08/2013 15:43

Good god YANBU. Grin

KirjavaTheCat · 26/08/2013 15:45

We know passwords, they're stored on the shared computer's browser. We're a click away from entering one another's private emails, facebook etc.

But we don't. And if we leave them open, we log eachother out. It's simple respect for privacy imo, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you give that up.

Justforlaughs · 26/08/2013 15:46

Well of course I want access to HIS fb/ email etc but he's not getting it to mine! Wink
Same with bank accounts!

PervyMuskrat · 26/08/2013 15:53

Absolutely not. He knows the pin for my phone so could access my email if he wanted to but other than that, he doesn't know any other pins or passwords, and I don't know any of his. We trust each other but also believe in respecting privacy.

mynewpassion · 26/08/2013 15:56

Yanbu. However if you asked for all of his then YABU for not sharing.

RustyBear · 26/08/2013 16:04

Just checked - I have 101 passwords stored on my iphone app - there's no way DH would remember all those if I told him- or me either, come to that, which is why I have the app. DH has it too and we each know the other's basic password which gets you into the app. We swapped them last year, after my dad died and I realised how difficult it would have been sorting stuff out if he hadn't left notes of most of his passwords. I have never looked at his and as far as I know nor has he. I trust him not to snoop and that he would only look if it was necessary.

Original poster
grobagsforever · 26/08/2013 16:10

No I never asked for them, I just happen to have them as he asked me log in and check stuff for him. Hmmm maybe it only over in relationships forum where this level of access seems to be expected!

OP posts:
CatsWearingTutus · 26/08/2013 16:12

My DH could have my passwords and I his but the only point would be if one of us croaked it might be helpful to the other one, for example updating the fb page or emailing contacts. But I suppose whoevers left will have enough on their plates without informing each others twitter followers, etc. so yanbu. Apart from that I can't see the point as we trust each other and have no reason or desire to snoop. I can hardly be bothered reading my own boring email what would I want with his?

EBearhug · 26/08/2013 16:15

No. I work in IT and it sometimes feels like I spend half my life telling people they mustn't communicate their passwords with others, so I'm not going round communicating mine, even outside work.

I have an envelope with my will which includes a list of passwords, though it needs updating.

MisselthwaiteManor · 26/08/2013 16:16

Of course YANBU. A basic level of privacy is fine, doesn't mean anyone is hiding anything.

meditrina · 26/08/2013 16:19

You have what you, as a couple, are happy with. In a healthy, functioning relationship, it probably matters not one whit if you share passwords or not.

But when there has been a breach of trust, then different steps are needed, and part of the 'price' of that breach may be an end to the privacy as it has been abused.

MonstersDontCry · 26/08/2013 16:22

YANBU. DP doesn't need to know my passwords and I don't need to know his. (although I do know his Grin)

NatashaBee · 26/08/2013 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xalyssx · 26/08/2013 16:57

I haven't given my passwords to DP for the simple reason that my friends send me personal messages about their private lives that they wouldn't want DP to know

catgirl1976 · 26/08/2013 18:19

DH does not understand the difference between secrecy and privacy

He insists on having all my passwords and checks my phone, internet, emails etc

I hate it

badguider · 26/08/2013 18:23

I wouldn't mind giving dh my password for something if there was a reason - if I wanted him to check my email or something.. but I wouldn't give him a list of them just for the sake of openness. I'd have to write them down as he wouldn't remember them all and I don't want to do that (he'd lose the bit of paper knowing him).

I guess if I died it would be a bugger but not a patch on the bigger issues like bank accounts, pensions etc.

TeaAndABiscuit · 26/08/2013 18:24

YANBU. Some couples have joint email accounts which I find a bit weird, but I suppose it could be for bills, EBay etc
I like my own accounts and passwords.

Tee2072 · 26/08/2013 18:26

My husband knows some of my passwords. I know some of his.

We share a Flickr and YouTube account, for example, for ease of sharing pics and videos across our families.

And everything is stored in browsers.

But I have no reason to read his email or anything so I don't.

Nagoo · 26/08/2013 18:27

DH doesn't know my passwords, but google chrome does, he knows how to log on to my computer and he can get into anything he wants easily enough. I know his email password and I can get into his phone, but I don't go rootling through his private stuff. Why would I? If he was secretive about it, I'd possibly be interested as to why. But we are both fairly open, the DC have the phones all the time, I stay logged into things, so it's a non-issue.

I would purposely shut everything down and tell him to fuck off if he expected to check all my messages out of principle.

Mojavewonderer · 26/08/2013 19:00

My husband and I know each others passwords for everything but I don't access them unless he asks me too and it's the same for me. We don't have anything to hide and we don't have any reason to snoop. We still have our privacy.

livinginwonderland · 26/08/2013 19:05

I can get onto DP's phone and his Facebook 'cause he never logs out, but he can get into mine too (and e-mail) if he wanted. Never snooped, though.

ConfusedPixie · 26/08/2013 19:07

YANBU. I don't know all of my passwords let alone his. I vaguely know his but have to double check with him before I use them! The only time I use them is when I'm using his laptop/phone and need to check something, likewise with him and my PC/phone. If you trust somebody you won't be going through their accounts on the sly whether you know their passwords or not.

SigmundFraude · 26/08/2013 19:07

YABU. I know all DH's passwords and vice versa. I have nothing to hide.

GilmoursPillow · 26/08/2013 19:08

DH doesn't know most of my password but is he asked I would tell him. He has never asked and I hope he wouldn't, not because I have anything to hide, but because I like to have some privacy.

Likewise, I like to think that if I were to ask him for his passwords he would tell me without issue. I haven't asked and right now, I have no reason to ask.

IJustNeedANap · 26/08/2013 19:09

My DP knows all my passwords for everything and I know his but we don't use them and I wouldn't dream of going through his phone or him mine