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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not share all my passwords with DP?

49 replies

grobagsforever · 26/08/2013 15:42

You see a lot on mumsnet about how couples should have free acess to each others phones, emails, FB etc. Well I do not share any of my passwords with DP and I would be livid if I caught him going through my phone or mail.I have nothing to hide as such, I just feel I am a separate adult and entitled to my privacy. On the other hand I do know his passwords, although I never snope. For context, we have been together 10 plus years and have DC. I'm just confused by this level of access most mumsnetters seem to expect..... Interested in views.

OP posts:

strawberrypenguin · 26/08/2013 19:11

I know some of DH's and he knows some I mine. If I wanted any of the others I would just ask and vice-versa. We don't snoop on each other though why would we when we can just ask?

SeaSickSal · 26/08/2013 19:11

I know his, he knows mine. But I don't kid myself that he is interested in wittering emails between me and my friends and my mother, I doubt he ever looks. I certainly don't want to read the brief emails about football scores he sends his brothers.

StuntGirl · 26/08/2013 19:13

DH does not understand the difference between secrecy and privacy

He insists on having all my passwords and checks my phone, internet, emails etc

I hate it

Whattt? Tell him to do one, goodness.

ShabbyButNotChic · 26/08/2013 19:15

I dont know dp passwords for email etc, i do have the code for his phone though, and he knows mine. Mainly just in case there is an emergency and he needs a number etc.

I would never even think to ask him for his passwords for things, though to be fair, his email is linked to the ipad so i can see them on there, and he leaves everything logged in and open half the time. I think its just not a big deal really, and only becomes an issue when there are trust issues, or why would you even be thinking about reading someones emails/texts?

wigglesrock · 26/08/2013 21:24

My husband doesn't know mine, I think I know his, but I've never asked. I don't open his post, he doesn't open mine. I don't open his wallet, he doesn't go into my bag. It's never been an issue or even a discussion. We've been together since we were kids, before everyone had t'internet, mobile phones etc .

I don't see it as a trust issue at all, I'm fairly private (aware of irony ).

Lweji · 26/08/2013 21:27

With exH it's not so much that we knew our passwords, but they were not a secret.

Except for my work email account.

I never checked his accounts and afaik he didn't check mine when we were married.

Mia4 · 26/08/2013 21:47

I know some of DP's he knows some of mine. Given that I blog, have numerous fanfic accounts and journals, email accounts and the like I doubt he'd want to know them-though they are all auto-sign in so he could see when using my computer anyway.

I think if you need to know their passwords, there's bigger issues-likely something that's happened before or something.

Also knowing someone's passwords means nothing, if they want to use an email to have an affair they'll just use one you don't know about and you won't think to want passwords to-on phone, cleared browser history, work or library. My friends Ex even had his own PAYG phone that she had no idea on.

motherinferior · 26/08/2013 21:53

Catgirl, I consider that kind of behaviour abusive.

sarahtigh · 26/08/2013 21:59

I know all his passwords he does not know mine because he struggles to remember his own they are all really simple; memorizing numbers etc is not his forte he would never be able to tell anyone my mobile phone number he may not be sure of house phone either; but I can remember several without a problem

mine are complex i will give them say for paypal but he would forget immediately so would need it written down precisely like "sarahtigh" though obviously that is not a PW for anything of mine

motherinferior · 26/08/2013 22:06

Oh, and I've got plenty to hide. My friends' confidences. Grumbles about Mr Inferior. Work stuff which isn't mine to share with all and sundry. I'm sure he has the same.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/08/2013 22:07

Yanbu.

Its a very unpleasant often abusive thing to insist on.

Just because you are quite fond of someone and you get naked with them does not mean you lose your own identity or have no privacy.

higherliar · 26/08/2013 22:09

DH and I don't share passwords, I wouldn't want him to know mine or to access my emails or forum posts. He is a bit more open than I am, as he stays logged in on his devices so I'd be able to access his accounts if I wanted to (but I've never been interested in doing so). I've always been careful to log out of devices/accounts so he wouldn't be able to access anything of mine. We are very independent people really, we wouldn't ask each other to look up something in each other's accounts or emails as we just deal with our own admin so there's no practical reason to know each other's details.

DramaAlpaca · 26/08/2013 22:14

DH and I have some shared passwords, for things that both of us need to know about.

Both of us also have passwords that the other doesn't know for things that don't involve each other.

It wouldn't occur to either of us to snoop or pry, or read each other's mail or texts. We trust each other. I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust completely.

We know each other so well though that we probably could take a fairly accurate guess at each other's passwords if we wanted to!

NoComet · 26/08/2013 22:29

YANBU
DH can probably guess some of mine, but we don't tell each other unless we need to know.

We've been together 25 years, if we don't trust each other by now, we never will.

More importantly for the first two years of our relationship we lived in separate cities and both had opposite sex friends. We've always had to trust each other.

Original poster

grobagsforever · 28/08/2013 23:00

Oh Catgirl when are you going to get rid??

OP posts:

2rebecca · 28/08/2013 23:09

We have a little book next to the computer with them all written in. We mainly use the same ones. I've never tried to access his phone as I have my own or use the house one. he has a tablet which probably has a password but I've never tried to access that either. He's usually just playing bejewelled on it.
Our emails usually just go onto our inbox which is mutual, just different names at the same address. If he had something secret he'd probably send it to a google address or something but I trust him and have enough of my own stuff to get on with without worrying about what he's doing. If an email is obviously for him I leave it. He uses Firefox and I use explorer so his facebook page is often open as we share the computer. I don't look at it as I have better things to do. If he started acting weirdly I may, although suspect he'd have more sense than to use facebook for messaging.

catgirl1976 · 29/08/2013 07:23

So did Relate mother

Which meant they wouldn't see us together, which meant no more Relate :(

I was really hoping it would help :(

SHarri13 · 29/08/2013 09:19

We know some of each others but only if we need it for doing something. Otherwise, no, we don't share unless we need to.

teacherandguideleader · 29/08/2013 10:45

DP knows my phone PIN code - I only have one after leaving my phone in a classroom accidentally and being worried a child could have got on it - I've seen some awful things done to teachers by kids with regards to Facebook etc.

He will answer my phone if it rings and I'm in the loo, or if he needs to switch the Internet on. Through this there is access to Facebook, emails etc. I wouldn't like it if he started asking for my passwords, but knowing he could access it if he wanted doesn't bother me. I would give them to him though if I needed him to sort something out for me.

Online banking password is another matter though - that is the only one I wouldn't share even if I desperately needed something sorted out.

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2013 11:24

YANBU

No way I'd do that - I'm a member/mod of a number of private groups (recovery from domestic violence, cults, etc) which have strict privacy codes. There is no way I'd allow dh to have access to anything like that.

MistressDeeCee · 29/08/2013 15:48

DP doesnt have any of my passwords, I dont have his and we've never bothered to discuss it. I think Id cringe at saying can I have your passwords now that we are partners ..or some such. I dont want to give anyone total access to all areas of my life and I wouldnt expect that of another either. You can have privacy within interdependency.

mirai · 29/08/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

froggies · 29/08/2013 17:18

I knew all of ExP's passwords, bank, email, tax because he couldn't be arsed to do any of his own buisness admin, and never separated buisness and personal anything, and wanted me to do his accounts so that he didn't have to pay anyone else.

I had never given him mine, and when I realised that he had been reading my emails on my iPad (that wasn't pass coded) I put a pass code on it and didn't tell him. Very shortly after that he became my exp.

But then he is an abusive controlling manipulative arsehole. I am sure most people's DP's are not.

My DSis and her DH and DD all know each others passwords, and have a family rule that they don't write anything that they wouldn't want the others to read, kind of the opposite extreme I think.

SaucyJack · 29/08/2013 17:27

I think it's a bit catch 22 IYSWIM.

Me and mine are both permanently logged in to FaceFuck on our own computers and I regularly use his phone to play games, so because we are both transparent I see no reason not to trust him and go snooping through his silly texts to his brother.

However, my ex had an affair and when from being just as casual with stuff to carrying his phone everywhere, even to the point of taking it if he got up for a piss in the night. So clearly, it was reasonable to stop trusting him and go through his stuff the first op he was stupid enough to give me.

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