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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if dh is being supportive or completely unreasonable

40 replies

Spiceroots · 06/08/2013 22:12

When dd2 was born 3 years ago I gave up working ft to sahm for about 18 months, and since then have been working from home.

A couple of weeks ago I go a really nasty cold which lead to an ear infection. Dh was really great at the time but something he said really didn't sit right, he said he would help me out with the dc while I was ill.

So today I asked him why looking after our children was helping me out, and his response was during working hours my 'job' is looking after the dc, and since I wasn't upto the job he helped out.

For some reason this has really been bothering me. So I was wondering if iabu to think that looking after his children when I am, for whatever reason unable to, helping out, or sharing parenting?

OP posts:

LousThighBurn · 06/08/2013 22:14

I'd say sharing parenting, but then my DP is exactly like yours!

maddening · 06/08/2013 22:14

it is sharing parenting - it isn't a job like you would describe a household chore or task - it is part of your role description as a parent.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 06/08/2013 22:19

What a twat.

Doing what needs to be done is all it is.

Frankly, if I were you, I'd be putting a lot of effort into whatever it is you do 'working from home', making sure you remain employable and keep up your skill level. With a twat like this, I would want to remain able to support myself...

He will have to do whatever else needs to be done around the house in the evenings/weekends with you (not bloody FOR you - twat).

comingalongnicely · 06/08/2013 22:40

"Twat blah blah", "Twat blah blah" - useful! Maybe he doesn't feel as confident dealing with them & feels like a part time help. It's not always easy to fit in to "established" relationships if you're not there for a large portion of the time. It doesn't make him a twat, you Chipping on the other hand could come across as one if you tried a teeny bit harder....

Casmama · 06/08/2013 22:51

I think you are being a bit over sensitive. His explanation referring to helping during working hours makes sense. However, only you know if there is more to it and he's a sexist git.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2013 23:09

It would really depend for me if DH normally shares the role. So, when he gets home or on his days at home, does he feed, play with, wash, comfort and put the kids to bed. Does he clean, do laundry, tidy and wash? Does he cook? Do you get a lie in as often as him.

I wouldn't mind DH seeing the 8 hours a day solely with DD as my 'job' if he treated it as important and didn't expect this to be my job 24/7.

quesadilla · 06/08/2013 23:23

I think he was trying to be supportive. His choice of words was unfortunate and I can see why it would irritate you (it would irritate me.)

But I think calling him a twat for this is an over-reaction. It gets a lot twattier than that.

daddoinghisbest · 06/08/2013 23:39

I reckon he's being supportive, but clumsy with his words. Maybe it comes down to what your usual pattern is. If you usually look after the kids during the day but can't, then he's doing something he doesn't usually do to help the situation. All households have jobs to do that are often done by one or other. It doesn't make them 'their' jobs, just jobs they do iykwim? I'd still talk to him to help him see your point though. Otherwise it could niggle and cause resentment.

tiggerpigger · 07/08/2013 00:00

My god you women read a lot into things. He's saying he'll help you out with what you normally do on your own - what's wrong with that?

Poor bloke, tries to be supportive and helpful and gets a thread started about him...

Given that you normally look after the kids, and he was offering to help, how would you have preferred him to phrase his offer?

cacamilis · 07/08/2013 00:11

Did he have to take time off work to care for the kids? I would consider that helping out. If however he stirred himself a bit more when he was home he needs a tongue lashing

Wednesbury · 07/08/2013 00:16

It's hard to know without knowing what the normal arrangements are. Was he referring to a time when he would normally be at work and you would be looking after DC? In which case I think that's fair enough but that said I can see why you have issue with the way he said it.

I have a similar set up to you, two DCs, work from home 3 school days per week (plus evenings and weekends as necessary) and although DH is mostly supportive and he comes home and gets straight into doing bedtime etc, then cooking for us (generally while I'm working or tidying/putting washing on etc) I do get VERY antsy at any suggestion from him that the children are 'my job'. No. I take care of the children while he is at work. Everything else after that - shared. Both responsible, whatever it is. In the child-rearing bargain, he has compromised time with his children while they are young; I have compromised my career.

It's that suggestion that the children are all down to you, I think - even if that isn't what he meant.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 07/08/2013 01:28

Comingalonenicely Twat blah blah, Twat blah blah - useful! Maybe he doesn't feel as confident dealing with them & feels like a part time help. It's not always easy to fit in to "established" relationships if you're not there for a large portion of the time. It doesn't make him a twat, you Chipping on the other hand could come across as one if you tried a teeny bit harder....

What on earth does his comment have to do with feeling less confident? Nothing. He just feels it 'isn't his job'. FFS. Some men will defend anything another bloke does.

Your attempt to make a personal attack whilst staying within the posting guidelines is laughable. If you want to call me a twat, just call me a twat. I couldn't give two fucks.

Firebomb · 07/08/2013 04:06

If maybe have just been a throw away comment that he didn't think about, honestly. Sometimes my DP says things that I take to heart that he didn't really mean to phrase the way he did. Like sometimes he calls our DS 'my son' like he's only his or 'your son' like he's only mine. Both of those peeve me to no end. Sometimes our DS only gets referred to as 'the baby' and I don't even know if that is worse LOL. He rarely ever calls him 'our son'.

If it honestly bothers you, then I would ask him what he meant by it and if he meant it to be snide or a slight. Just to clear the air. YANBU to think it may have been personal, but it also may not have been. Best to just flat out ask rather then stew.

MsJupiterJones · 07/08/2013 04:47

Tigger, saying 'you women' when every other poster bar one has said her DH was trying to be supportive is neither accurate nor helpful.

The op said she thought she might be unreasonable but something was bothering her about it and she wanted to talk that through. Which is what aibu is for.

Op if it's bothering you then maybe it's because you think it might be indicative of a bigger problem? But then again sometimes you can have an irrational response to something - earlier DH asked if I wanted him to 'take over' as I'd been up with poorly DS for 2 hrs and I momentarily felt like he was saying I couldn't manage - clearly not the case but sleep deprivation played a part!

'Helping out' does imply a remove from the responsibility but without knowing the context of your relationship it does sound like he meant well, just worded badly. 'Babysitting', though. Now that annoys me. You can't babysit your own child!

Catsize · 07/08/2013 05:20

tigger, I agree with you. I am the mother of a toddler, my partner stays at home, and 'helping out' in the event of illness or whatever is a phrase I would use if I had to take time off work to do it. Not something I would probably say at the weekend. Think people are being a bit touchy on this. I am just glad the OP's husband is helping. I know my dad wouldn't have done.

SquinkiesRule · 07/08/2013 05:46

I think he was bloody rude.
It's not just your job it's also his job. When he's out of the home at work, then the whole job falls on you. However you were ill, so if all was fair you were on a sick day. He should take over completely not "help out" like he's doing you some sort of favor.
So next time he's sick will he still be looking after the kids with you, or taking his sick day and leaving it all to you (as per usual)

StuntGirl · 07/08/2013 05:47

I'm not sure I understand the post. You work now yes? Why are you looking after the children at the same time, isn't she at nursery or something?

Original poster

Spiceroots · 07/08/2013 06:00

Thanks for all the responses!
Dh does come home and do some chores. But he does alot with the dc and that was always part of our understanding.
Me being at home allows him to have quality time with dc when he gets in.
Yes looking after dc when I was ill took him away from work, but the words helping out hurt!
I doubt he realized the impact of his words and I probably am being over sensitive!

OP posts:

VixZenFenchell · 07/08/2013 06:34

If my husband needed me to stay home from work to look after the boys while he was ill I'd definitely phrase it as "helping him out with the house stuff". The house and children are his f/t job while I work, in the same way my job is f/t out of the house.

When we are both home together, chores and childcare are shared. Childcare during the day is absolutely helping out on my part. Especially if I have to take a sick day to do it.

Does it make a difference with reversed genders?

flowery · 07/08/2013 06:51

Presumably you work part time and for the rest of the time, while DH is working, you are in charge of the children? If he took time off work to look after them at a time when you normally would be in sole charge, I don't see a problem with calling that "helping out".

If, on the other hand, you are usually in sole charge when he isn't working as well because he doesn't spend much time with them, and he did more with them because you were unwell, that shouldn't be helping out because if he's not working anyway he should already be doing 50/50 at those times.

TimeofChange · 07/08/2013 07:05

Spice: I think you are being over sensitive about his words.
If if have no other complaints about him, you say he has quality time with the DCs after work and he does chores, then there is no problem.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/08/2013 07:09

I think the bottom line is that what he said didn't sit right with you. Tbh I'm amazed you can do any work from home having 2 small DC. I have one and sure as hell, I can't anything unless she's at the nursery. In your shoes I would think it's given that help is needed, while one child is ill and I'm supposed to be working. I

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/08/2013 07:10

Sorry, when you are ill.

musicposy · 07/08/2013 07:53

If it took him away from work then he was helping out. I think you are being oversensitive and if some posters on MN were to be listened to, no one would be with a DP for long enough to ever have children! I think he's doing his best, maybe clumsily, but then DH isn't always great with words. It doesn't make him a twat.

Eyesunderarock · 07/08/2013 08:01

If this had happened in my house, I'd just see it as OH dealing with something extra that was usually my area.
Decades ago, we divided household jobs up, I took cooking, gardening and shopping as those are things I like, he took laundry, DIY and hoovering/dusting. The jobs we both disliked, we shared.
So when he was a SAHP and I worked, if he was ill and I had to do some of his role as well as mine, I'd see it as extra. No emotions or twattishness.
But we've been married for ages, so we've learned to talk and compromise when one of us annoys the other.

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