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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if dh is being supportive or completely unreasonable

40 replies

Spiceroots · 06/08/2013 22:12

When dd2 was born 3 years ago I gave up working ft to sahm for about 18 months, and since then have been working from home.

A couple of weeks ago I go a really nasty cold which lead to an ear infection. Dh was really great at the time but something he said really didn't sit right, he said he would help me out with the dc while I was ill.

So today I asked him why looking after our children was helping me out, and his response was during working hours my 'job' is looking after the dc, and since I wasn't upto the job he helped out.

For some reason this has really been bothering me. So I was wondering if iabu to think that looking after his children when I am, for whatever reason unable to, helping out, or sharing parenting?

OP posts:

MrsMelons · 07/08/2013 08:10

I think he is trying to be supportive, I think I would even say the same thing if I will ill and asking DH to help out a bit by working from home or something.

If he said something like that when he was not working ie at weekends then it would probably piss me off.

From what you have said I wouldn't say he's a twat about this one thing, just maybe insensitively worded.

SelectAUserName · 07/08/2013 08:15

I think it was probably just clumsy phrasing, especially if he hasn't shown by any other words or deeds that he resented doing it or felt it was beneath him, or that he thinks childcare is your job 24/7.

PrettyKitty1986 · 07/08/2013 08:24

YABU. So are a few others - I can't understand the viewpoint at all.

Jobs, 9-5, Mon-Fri (for instance) -
YOU - Looking after the DC. Also whatever you do as work from home.
HIM - Going out to work

Those are your 'jobs' as far as I could see. You have been unable to do yours due to illness - so he IS helping you out, at a time when you otherwise wouldn't see him as he would be at work.

What's the problem?

MrsMangoBiscuit · 07/08/2013 08:27

Taking time off work to look after the DCs because you're ill at home does count as "helping out" imo. If a colleague at work was off sick, and I stayed late to clear some of their work load I would be helping them out. I vote for being supportive, and I think you're being a little bit sensitive about his choice of words.

However, if he starts implying that looking after the DCs in the evenings and weekends is also your job, and doing anything there is "helping you out", or, my personal favourite, that he'll "babysit" while you go out, then you might want to have words.

jammiedonut · 07/08/2013 08:31

I don't think he meant it in a bad way but I can see why it is annoying! My dh regularly says this however when pulled up on it his explanation why was that he sees me as primary carer, I know the routines, what works etc because my job at the moment is to raise the children while he is at work. When he comes home he is more than happy to get involved but feels like he is assisting me in the routine I've established. Honestly, he sounds like he has the best intentions, I wouldn't waste anymore time reading into hidden meanings.

PrettyKitty1986 · 07/08/2013 08:34

Agree with MrsMangoBiscuit - by all means, if it progresses to evenings and weekends then that is a different story.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 07/08/2013 08:36

He many hours a week do you work from home? I'm a sahm who freelances occasionally. I often work no hours and when I have a job work at least 20...But this is very rare. But I see being a sahm as my permanent position, so if I was I'll and DH had to take time off of his permanent paid job I'd see it as his helping me out.

If the tables were turned and I worked full time and he was a sahd I'd be helping him out by doing the same.

If, however you work full time from home then it's different...but you describe yourself as a sahm, so I'm guessing not?

badguider · 07/08/2013 08:44

You say you work from home but it sounds like you do childcare during office hours? If that's the case then yes, I would say that him taking leave from work is "helping you out" as its a change to the normal arrangement.

If however like us your child goes to nursery while you work from home and then they can't go for illness then him taking a day off is not "helping you" but is doing his fair share / taking his turn.
As I'm my own boss my dh does try to make it me who always takes time off in this circumstance and I usually do but not always as I have clients to satisfy and I get annoyed if he just assumes I will.

MsVestibule · 07/08/2013 08:50

Yep, I agree with the majority (sheep). It is your job during the day to look after the children and if he took time off work to look after them, then yes, he was helping you. If he was the one who was ill and you covered his work, then you'd have been helping him.

But how on earth do you work whilst looking after children ?

HollyBerryBush · 07/08/2013 09:02

So today I asked him why looking after our children was helping me out, and his response was during working hours my 'job' is looking after the dc, and since I wasn't upto the job he helped out.

But the usual school of thought on MN is that SAHMs have a job - looking after children.

I'm seeing double standards to suit from posters on this thread.

Hopasholic · 07/08/2013 09:26

I don't think he meant 'The kids are all your responsibility' just that while he's working your role is to look after the kids, which it is unless you're trying to work from home AND look after the kids, in which case he's out of order.

I've lost count of the times both men and women have said 'oh is Mr Hopa babysitting tonight?' FFS Nobody ever says when DH has a night out 'is Mrs Hopa babysitting?' drives us both mad and people get a firm 'You don't babysit your own kids' from both of us.

Original poster

Spiceroots · 07/08/2013 11:38

Wow. Thanks for all the responses!
Dh is an amazing dad and he does help out at home. However due to his extremely long working hours and frequent work travel I bear the brunt of the child are and housework. I am completely ok with this.
My work is done mainly at night and weekends and during school time when dc are at school.
I guess I am being over sensitive at the use of the words helping out.
It's been the first time I've been so ill that haven't managed to get through the day without help and I guess I expected more sensitivity.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spiceroots · 07/08/2013 11:58

Just to clarify to those posters who wanted to know How/if I work. My work is project based. So if I take on a project I have to complete it within given timeframes. How I manage the hours is upto me.
I love the flexibility but work hard to try and maintain a decent balance for my family as well.
So I'm there for dc when they need me, and I haven't completely given up work either.
Hopefully when dc are older this will stand me in good stead into ft work.
It's not that dh is a bad person, and I never meant to imply that. It's that he's so oblivious to somethings. I'm sure he didn't mean 'helping out' maliciously. But that's how he sees it.
I see it as offering support.
It's the language. Not the action that vim struggling with

OP posts:

mrslyman · 07/08/2013 12:10

I think you are being oversensitive or maybe you've just been reading too much mumsnet, he clearly said it was because you normally have responsibility for the childcare during the day.

There are men out there who have clearly had a responsibility bypass when it comes to domestic matters, but it honestly doesn't sound like your DH is one of them.

Think about it this way, if he had had to deliver something to a client at work but couldn't do it because he was ill, so you delivered it instead, would you have thought of that as helping him?

mrslyman · 07/08/2013 12:13

Sorry massive cross-post I didn't see the second page.

Although I still think you're over-reacting massively about this, he's oblivious to why this is a problem because it isn't a problem.

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