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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why online dating isn't working for me

94 replies

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 17:33

(Apparently) I am attractive. I am well educated, good job, own home, car, 33 years old.

One DD who is 14 months.

Not a jot of interest Sad Plenty of messages from men 20 years older than me, usually one liners like 'you have a great smile' but nothing from anyone my age who seems to be up for a relationship. I don't think it's DD either as even before I had her I got no interest from the sites.

AIBU to feel unattractive and invisible to the opposite sex!?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2013 17:35

Where are you looking? Have you had a mate look at your profile. Preferably a nice, honest, male friend...

Original poster
hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 17:36

I don't have any male friends. I think my profile is fine - it's me :)

OP posts:
somewhereaclockisticking · 02/08/2013 17:39

My brother is almost 40 and his last girlfriend 24 - he has finally tried on-line dating and was still answering ads from those in their 20's. I told him to grow up and look for a woman in her 30's - he did start to date a woman with an older child but I think he's abit worried about becoming a father figure for the child when he hasn't been the best dad to his own child. Don't give up is all I can say (especially as my brother says the fees are really expensive) - also I didn;t watch the programme but i read that there was one on recently about on-line dating and alot of profiles are fake just to get people to sign up but once you've paid your fee you can only keep going or just accept that it's been a waste of your cash.

Original poster
hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 17:43

Yeah I think it has been a waste of money - shame really, I have been feeling very lonely recently.

OP posts:
samandi · 02/08/2013 17:55

Hm, well I was going to say because of your DD and your age, but if you were trying them years ago without success either I don't know.

Why don't you have any male friends?

Whothefuckfarted · 02/08/2013 17:58

99% of the guys your age are there for no strings fun with 20 odd year old tarts, and there's hundreds of them out there.

Online dating is very hit and miss if you are looking for more than a bit of fun. (mostly miss).

BadgersRetreat · 02/08/2013 18:03

if it's any consolation my DM gave up on it because all the men she met were 'odd'

So maybe it's not a bad thing...you don't attract oddballs Grin

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 02/08/2013 18:12

Didn't work for me either, and I tried twice, some years apart. My best mate (male) gave me a glowing reference on MySingleFriend and my sister helped me sell myself on another site. Both times I met someone in real life after not a squeak online. The second one was nice enough to marry.

Original poster
hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 19:27

I don't know Sam, never really thought about it. Most people my age are married and while I am friendly with the male spouse the real friendship is through the wife I think.

I just feel a bit sad about it.

OP posts:
itchyandscratchy26 · 02/08/2013 19:49

Sadly, it's the 'well educated aged 33' that's the giveaway here. All men aged 33+ seem to be after girls aged 20-30. Men On dating sites are very ageist on the whole. That said, it's worth persisting until you get a good one. I met DH on Match.com when I was 31 and he was 39. Education and intelligence seems to threaten a lot of men too. It's a numbers game. I must have been on 30 or more dates before DH. A good selection of flattering pics is a must too. I

Blankiefan · 02/08/2013 19:53

I was in a similar position (except no DC). I found that the more I did on the site, the more succesful it was.

You may already be doing this, but here are my tips. So - don't just wait for them to contact you - you approach them. And don't just wink/smile, send an actual email with a question / prompt to start a conversation. Do this lots. Line up lots of first dates - several per weekend, ideally. Don't try to get to know them online - just meet people (public places, broad daylight!) - then decide if you like them.

I met my ex this way and then my DH. We're coming up for our 2nd anniversary.

Good luck

Original poster
hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 19:56

Well, I've contacted a few but most don't get in touch!

Am I too old then, at 33? Sad

OP posts:
itchyandscratchy26 · 02/08/2013 20:00

No no , not to old, just accept that men aged 33 may be harder work to get them interested in the first place. Alternatively, accept that men in early 40s may be a better bet. Agree with the above advice. Meet them ASAP if you're emailing. A virtual relationship just wastes time, and you need to know ASAP if there is any chemistry. If not its NEXT, and keep doing it until you get a goodun.

Blankiefan · 02/08/2013 20:05

I was 33 when I met DH. I agree with PP, try men in their early 40s... And - its absolutely a numbers game. Don't contact a few - contact many. And don't take it personally I'd they don't get back to you; just contact some more. Be relentless!

JaffaMyCake · 02/08/2013 20:10

whothefuckfarted 20 year old tarts? Hmm

What a fucking vile way to refer to women.

JaffaMyCake · 02/08/2013 20:11

OP I feel your pain, I'm early 30s with a baby DS and currently in the process of separating from STBXH. I think I will have your problem if I decide to date again.

Original poster
hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 20:13

Crikey can't imagine having a NEXT! system!

I get barely any interest Grin

OP posts:
Ethlinn · 02/08/2013 20:22

Definitely get a guy to look at your profile. Is there really NOBODY who could help you with that? I met my OH on match.com but that hadn't happened until I had my profile tweaked a bit by a male friend. Apparently I was putting too much emphasis on how well educated and independent I am Grin . He also advised me to change the picture to one where I was smiling and looked quite natural.

Ethlinn · 02/08/2013 20:24

Oh and by the way I was in my 20s then and OH is 10 years older. Does it make me a tart?

FieryChipotle · 02/08/2013 20:29

Why don't YOU approach THEM?! Search for a date through career path or whatever but you need to find the suitable candidates. Message them! I had no suitable messages at all until I found the people I wanted to speak to. I don't think DD is a problem at all, but she wouldn't be my opening gambit. Save the DD info for further down the line (eg. The date itself) as I think it's too easy for people to dismiss single mums on the basis of young children via a profile.

Good luck OP!

TroublesomeEx · 02/08/2013 20:44

Hi

Have you looked at your profile? Is there anything in the way it's written that could be putting them off. Rather than the content? Have you got photos up.

I joined a month ago - I've been on 3 dates with 2 men so far. Neither will progress because there wasn't any spark with one and the second went as far as a second date but we were looking for different things. We were both honest about what we wanted and went our separate ways with no hard feelings.

I've got a date on Monday, one next Saturday and hopefully another will be arranged for next week too. Three different men.

You're not too old, you're 33!!!!!! I'm 39 and I've got a 15 year old son and a 7 year old. And I'm honest about that too.

I've made sure that my profile is written in such a way that I've aimed to filter out men looking for vulnerable women, men looking for one night stands, dicks and chancers!

I'd be happy to PM you what I've put on my profile if you think it would be useful to you.

BodaciousTatas · 02/08/2013 20:48

I am 34 with a 14 year old daughter. I met dp on a dating site, I live him to bits and we are planning to move in together.

Don't give up hope, I went on dates with a fair few who were either odd, only wanted sex or just were not my type before I met him Grin

Original poster
hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 20:59

The thing is:

  1. I do approach them :)
  2. I can't go on dates, we've never got as far as exchanging email addresses never mind dates
  3. My profile honestly sounds fine. It's just a bit about me - job, life, interests.

I think the problem is that physically i am not attractive.

Ah, well!

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 02/08/2013 21:02

Try a free one like OKCupid.

It's a numbers game. Many of the men who message will be unsuitable or just after sex so you're ruling them out. Having a child will reduce the pool of interested men. And I suppose a lot of 33 year old men will feel they are still young enough to want to start their own family preferably with no prior children. That doesn't remove everyone but it does reduce the numbers of decent prospective messages. Older men will be less bothered about kids as they may already have some of be more realistic about partners having past histories, and of course hope to bag a younger model than their ex. Biscuit

Other than that I'm with others that you maybe need to look at your profile.

The first time I set up a dating profile I got two messages, both essentially telling me to cheer up! I decided it was obviously too soon after a break up and went back later and rewrote it when feeling more positive to better response.

BodaciousTatas · 02/08/2013 21:04

Can I ask what site you use. Dp and I met on Match Affinity, I met some really nice guys on there, not my type but nice.