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AIBU?

to wonder why online dating isn't working for me

94 replies

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 17:33

(Apparently) I am attractive. I am well educated, good job, own home, car, 33 years old.

One DD who is 14 months.

Not a jot of interest Plenty of messages from men 20 years older than me, usually one liners like 'you have a great smile' but nothing from anyone my age who seems to be up for a relationship. I don't think it's DD either as even before I had her I got no interest from the sites.

AIBU to feel unattractive and invisible to the opposite sex!?

OP posts:

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ruddynorah · 02/08/2013 21:04

What happens with that 2. ? Why are you stalling there? Or are they stalling?

WafflyVersatile · 02/08/2013 21:04

Physical attractiveness obviously makes a difference. Hard to complain because as you browse profiles you probably decide you couldn't fancy many of them on the basis of their looks.

BodaciousTatas · 02/08/2013 21:06

Oh and I didn't muck around with loads of emails or messages, exchanged a few then met for coffee. (apart from with dp coffee became wine and we both ended up rather tipsy)

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:10

They don't stall, they don't message and when I message them , they either say they've met someone but wish me luck, or ignore me!

Tried lots of a few sites over the years. My single friend, match.com, guardian ...

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 02/08/2013 21:11

Yes exactly. I don't think it's good to faff about forward and back emailing. A few messages then arrange to meet, that's the only way to get to know someone.

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:13

Yes, but if you don't get messages and the ones you send aren't responded to, then you aren't going to get as far as meeting, are you?

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 02/08/2013 21:14

Photos are everything in a visual environment, women don't want to meet ugly men and vice versa. You don't have to be amazing looking to present well, have a nice photo taken, wear fashionable clothes etc. It's all very well to feel above this but you can't if all you are presenting to someone is a list of adjectives (funny, kind, nice), a job title and a photo! I would sort your photo out seriously before venturing online.

Also there are some long running threads in Relationships about online dating, which might be helpful although the general consensus is that there are a lot of players, and little success, compared with other methods of meeting people.

Bexicles · 02/08/2013 21:14

Did anyone watch the Panorama documentary I think it was called "tainted love"?A lot of these dating sites make fake profiles and use them to send mails to encourage subscriptions. I think Okcupid was mentioned on here. OP I would consider single nights rather than online dating, more transparency.

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:18

The picture of me is as nice as any picture of me is going to be but I can't change the actual raw 'me.' Thanks for telling me to 'sort my photo out' though.

Singles nights would be difficult due to dd and plus I really don't fancy it. It's just everyone keeps harping on about me meeting someone and how it's easy and I have to put myself out but I am trying and not getting anywhere!

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 02/08/2013 21:25

What do you put on your initial message?

Fairylea · 02/08/2013 21:27

What age range are you looking in?

I met my dh on plenty of fish. I was 32 and had a dd aged 7.

I was absolutely fed up with either young 18 year olds messaging me for a shag or people old enough to be my dad babbling on about wanting me to go for a walk with them and their dogs.

In the end I lowered the age I'd normally go for a bit because I wanted someone who didn't already have kids (didn't fancy dealing with two hostile exes!) And I wanted someone who didn't come with all the marriage baggage that I did.

So I saw dh on there, then aged 22 and living at home with his mum. The main thing that attracted me to him was his profile talked about liking people watching while at Costa and enjoying the same music as me (which is quite specific) and I thought I'd give him a try.

I sent him a message and for a while we messaged, neither was too sure as I thought he might only want a shag and he thought the same of me!!

Eventually we met at a book shop for a coffee. I hid behind a bookcase checking him out for a bit before I decided to come out and meet him (yes we laugh about that now :) )

The rest is.... history. (Although it did take us 4 dates to even snog because we were both a bag of nerves).

We have been married 4 years now and we also have ds who is 14 months old. We are very very happy.

Don't give up.

I kissed A LOT of frogs before my dh. A lot of the men that messaged me I just put straight onto block!!

ninah · 02/08/2013 21:28

in your op you say you are attractive, assume that's why the advice to look at your pic to make sure it flatters you
I am horribly unphotogenic, personally

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:31

Mm yes I was misleading I suppose. I meant attractive more as in I have an attractive personality. The photo is as good as it'll ever be but ... Kate moss I am not.

I don't have an age range. I think the difference with me and a lot of people who have had success is that you get some people showing an interest; I get NO interest at all.

OP posts:

ninah · 02/08/2013 21:33

you are younger and more fresh faced than Kate op

Fairylea · 02/08/2013 21:34

Also... I wouldn't say being well educated, great job or own car in the first few lines of your profile. It doesn't really say anything about you. As a person I mean. It's great and everything but it doesn't SELL you as a potential fantastic girlfriend. It kind of says you're sorted. At the risk of being incredibly sexist, I genuinely think most men like to feel needed, like they have a purpose in a relationship. You're sorted so what do you want a man for?

Sexist yes. Sorry. So shoot me.

But I'd work on selling yourself, not what you've achieved.

What do you like to do with your free time? What music do you like? What's an ideal evening? What do you wantto get out of meeting someone? Blah blah.

Add some cheeky humour too. Anything will do..

WafflyVersatile · 02/08/2013 21:36

People telling you it's easy can fuck the fuck off.

Have you looked at other women's profiles?

I'm over 40, not very pretty at all and I still get proper messages in amongst the ONS trawlers and idiots. My profile is fucking hilarious though so that helps.

I especially roll my eyes at profiles where they say they are funny but the profile has no humour. Show not tell.

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:39

Hehe younger maybe but not so sure about fresh faced!

Fairylea, the only things you've mentioned that are on my profile are my job which is fairly loose (as in, 'I do this for a living.' Honestly, I don't know what it is. Some of my friends who split from husbands met someone new almost immediately. Me, I can't meet anyone full stop!

OP posts:

ninah · 02/08/2013 21:40

actually you probably do have a great smile
there are 'older' men on there who look like Bernard manning's brother but they don't necessarily lower their expectations proportionally iyswim
a compliment's a compliment

gingermop · 02/08/2013 21:40

I met my now boyfriend through plenty of fish, didnt hav to pay, also met another bloke just b4 my bf and although we didnt click in that way he is now one of my closest friends.
my brother has just married to a women he met on match.com.
these sites do work

ninah · 02/08/2013 21:42

I think fairylea has a point, you need to give them an idea of you as an individual
I don't go along with having to appeal to any macho rescuer instinct. But they do need to see your personality coming through.
Although wtf do I know? I didn't get anywhere with it either!

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:42

Yeah but ninah the ones I get messages from are late forties/early fifties. It's like me messaging a teenager, really. How many of those men message women in their mid sixties, do you think?

Gingermop, I know they work, but evidently not for me!

OP posts:

ninah · 02/08/2013 21:46

yup I know the ones ... I used to find skimming my 'selection' a bit similar to that bit at the end of crimewatch

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ninah · 02/08/2013 21:47

imagine being there in your mid 60s. Now that must be really bleak!

WafflyVersatile · 02/08/2013 21:49

Actually I've come to the conclusion that the best way to meet decent prospective men if IRL social life isn't happening or if dating sites don't work for you is through online community sites, like here but obvs with men too.

A local forum? An interest forum? My logic is you get to know posters and chat with no pressure at all. Most forums will have meet ups of some sort. Some you think are funny or get chatting to about something in common. You like them as a person before you meet them and if you have gotten on particularly well there might be a will to fancy each other already which may or may not work out.

My last ex I met through a discussion forum. We hadn't flirted or anything but we interacted well. The one before that I met on a little blog site.

Also maybe try meetup.com Look at things that interest you (where you can take your DC or get childcare) and meet up with others on there to do the activity.

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 21:51

Yeah, I like the forum idea. Will have to try and find one with men on it. I'm only really on mum & baby ones at the moment.

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