Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty for not wanting to become a Dad

92 replies

YouSirName · 13/07/2013 22:42

...and am wary of starting a relationship with anyone who might want to have children as I feel it's too much to ask of them. I'm 39 & male.

Are there women of a similar age who don't want children either?

It's not that I don't like children, I love spending time with nephews, nieces, friend's little ones etc., I just don't want to be a Dad to one.

With thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
outingmyselfprobably · 13/07/2013 22:45

You know what you want. As long as you are honest, what's the problem? It's not something to discuss on a first date but it is something to bear in mind if a relationship becomes serious.

If I met my DP and it later transpired he didn't want kids that decision would be for me to make.

bearleftmonkeyright · 13/07/2013 22:46

My friend of many many years was always adamant she was not having kids. She is happily married to a great guy and they remain happily child free. Yes, you will find someone Smile

KatOD · 13/07/2013 22:47

Absolutely what outing said. Yes there are women who don't want kids of your age. Just be honest. I was honest with my DH (who desperately wanted kids) that I wasn't sure I I did... He went away and decided he'd rather have me without kids than someone else with kids. There will be someone else like this for you, you just have to find them!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 13/07/2013 22:49

I know plenty of women of that age who haven't had children and don't appear to want them either. That's fine, isn't it? I really wouldn't expect them to feel guilty about it.

AnAirOfHope · 13/07/2013 22:49

I know two women who are 30 yo that do not want children.

Not every women wants to be a mother Hmm

Just state it when dating.

Ezio · 13/07/2013 22:51

Just be honest about it, if you dont want them, then dont feel guilty about it, if you are with someone who then decided she wanted kids, then she'd have to accept your decision and move on.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/07/2013 22:52

As the others have said as long as you are honest and upfront you will find someone who feels the same way.

GetStuffezd · 13/07/2013 22:54

My best female friend and I are 35 and 28 respectively and both childless and don't want any. She's started seeing a lovely guy we knew at uni who doesn't want any either. I personally don't know any childless men in my kind of age range.
Just make it clear when you start dating someone. There are women out there who don't want to be mothers.

Smartiepants79 · 13/07/2013 22:55

As long as you are very clear that you don't want children and will not be changing your mind about that then it is up to whoever you meet to decide if that is right for them. I would expect anyone of a similar age to have a good idea if they want kids or not so should not turn round in 5 years time and accuse you of denying them children.
Just be wary of people who think they can change your mind!
What about step children?

expatinscotland · 13/07/2013 22:55

Be true to yourself. If you truly don't want to procreate, have you taken appropriate steps to ensure you don't (a vasectomy and using condoms every single time, too)?

Nothing wrong with how you feel. My ex never wanted any children and now, age 46, he is still happily childfree. He remarried a woman who never wanted children and had had herself sterilised when she was 35, before she met him.

I have two female friends who did the same, no regrets. Both are near 50 now and in happy long-term relationships, marriages. They were VERY upfront, however, in any relationship and met men who felt the same.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 13/07/2013 22:56

AnAirOfHope I wouldn't set too much by a 30 year old woman who doesn't want children. I didn't at 30. Many don't. Plenty of women don't feel the urge till they're in their late thirties.

YouTheCat · 13/07/2013 23:00

Both my brothers and their wives (all in their 40s now) decided a while ago that they didn't want any children.

There are bound to be women out there who don't want any. Just be honest about not wanting kids.

RaisingChaotic · 13/07/2013 23:02

So long as you're honest about it from the start I see no problem.

Original poster
YouSirName · 13/07/2013 23:06

Thanks for speedy replies (new to this site (and the acronyms!)) with the sensible thoughts.

It's the timing of letting someone know that's always been tricky. In our 20's it wasn't a problem but just in the last couple of years it's understandably been less welcomed news. Balancing the 'not wanting to dupe' and the 'giving a new relationship time to establish' is always at the back of my mind.

I've had 3 long term relationships and 3 short terms and the finding of someone who feels the same isn't going so well. Any pointers?

Thanks also for not minding a none Mum's presence.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/07/2013 23:09

Yes. Get a vasectomy, get the all-clear and then it is patently obvious to all you date that you do not want to procreate. And use a condom on top of that, every single time.

I've been on this site for years now and there have been a number of men who swear up hill and down dale they don't want children or any more children, but leave contraception up to the woman, even just once. More fool them.

Poogate · 13/07/2013 23:09

I'm 39 and don't want children. Same as you, OP, I don't dislike children, in fact I actually like some children, and love my nephews v much and vice versa, but I just don't want to live with any of my own and have no urge to bear my own offspring nor no intense curiosity about what 'they' might look like. The thought of being responsible for another being for 18+ yrs scares the hell out of me and the thought of my happy, fun, free life changing terrifies me.

I'm 100% comfortable and happy with this decision and know that i will not suddenly yearn for a baby. However, be mindful that body clocks can change and someone in their early 30s may change their mind.

Poogate · 13/07/2013 23:13

I would make it clear from the off start how you feel as a lot of women feel differently to me!

RaisingChaotic · 13/07/2013 23:14

Agree with expat you have to take responsibility for your own fertility. Plus having a vasectomy will make it clear to women that you do mean what you say and there's no hope of you changing your mind. All you can do really, other than that, is to be honest. Not saying you should say something on the first date, unless the conversation goes in that direction, otherwise you could have them running for the hills Grin but don't leave it to late either.

RaisingChaotic · 13/07/2013 23:15

*too late

MrsOakenshield · 13/07/2013 23:15

my best friend and another female friend don't want children. BF likes children, and at one stage thought of adopting an older child, but really is happy to hand back at the end of the day. Other friend just doesn't like children! Both are lovely (though both are married, sorry!).

complexnumber · 13/07/2013 23:16

In your 20's? You may well change your mind; however at your age I was having far too much fun.

Also, there's no hurry. I had a similar number of relationships to you at your age, tbh I had no idea what I wanted.

So, I didn't rule anything out (or in)

Now I am a very, very happy daddy.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 13/07/2013 23:21

I think there are quite a few non-mums on here these days.

I agree with NeoMaxi lots of younger women don't think they want children - if you aim for your own age group I think you will come across people who have already worked through that and come out the other side still not wanting them.

Poogate · 13/07/2013 23:21

OP is 39, complex

RaisingChaotic · 13/07/2013 23:23

complex the OP says he's 39 in his op.

PosyNarker · 13/07/2013 23:24

I'd just be really honest but be a little careful - some people think kids = c