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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling guilty for not wanting to become a Dad

92 replies

YouSirName · 13/07/2013 22:42

...and am wary of starting a relationship with anyone who might want to have children as I feel it's too much to ask of them. I'm 39 & male.

Are there women of a similar age who don't want children either?

It's not that I don't like children, I love spending time with nephews, nieces, friend's little ones etc., I just don't want to be a Dad to one.

With thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 14/07/2013 17:38

I think being clear on your feelings about kids as early as you can is best.

If you're getting on well by date 2/3 with a woman and chatting easily it shouldn't be too hard to bring up family. Get in a comment in about your nieces and nephews and how much you enjoy their short term company and how you've never wanted to be a parent yourself. Keep it casual.

I would echo the poster who mentioned that not every woman with kids has little ones and are looking for a co-parent. I had my all my kids in my early 20's. If you're looking for women of a similar age to yourself who also had their kids at that age their children may well not still even be living at home - let alone needing a father figure!

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/07/2013 17:43

Don't worry about the side effects of the snip. My husband had it done almost a year ago and aside from some discomfort while everything healed, there were no long term detrimental effects. In fact I'd say our sex life is better than ever because we're not anxious about contraception failures anymore (I'm looking at you, dc4!).

Over all as long as you're honest about not wanting children, you will be fine. There are many women in your age group who don't want children. It's not an automatic thing to yearn to reproduce because you're female.

LemonPeculiarJones · 14/07/2013 17:44

You need to tell the women you date immediately. People can get emotionally invested quite quickly.

It's a real deal-breaker so it's best to be honest straight away. Someone who genuinely doesn't want kids will beam and say, "Hey, me neither!" Or the like.

Good luck.

SlimePrincess · 14/07/2013 17:50

There are social networking sites for people that identify as childfree and even specialized dating sights. It might be something worth investigating.

allaflutter · 14/07/2013 18:26

hi BlueStones - for me it became apparent fast just by reading profiles of men in this age group and most have 'yes/maybe' to kids, and if he hasn't got children yet, then especially it's a no-go. I'd definitely date those with kids, but if I'm honest - with older kids (at least nearing end of school), so I would consider those up to 50ish. Yes, much younger men are just hoping for a flingwith a woman who states 'no' to kids, they feel that's a no-pressure situation. Mind you, there is shortage of single men in this age group generally (minus the total commitment phobes) - most are coupled around 40 - or on a short break between r-ships! My own break has been a bit longer than ideal , but am more chilled about it than before.

allaflutter · 14/07/2013 18:27

Cats - haha, well Op certainly has a choice on here already!

QuintessentialOldDear · 14/07/2013 18:34

I know plenty of women who dont what children of their own. Some are happy to be step-mums, and some would not consider even that.

One friend of mine was very happy to find a man who was very clear he did not want to have children. Both professionals in the banking industry. A decade and a half, a couple of Siamese cats, a horse, a few cabriolets and a holiday home later, he discovered his paternal side and they had an almighty longwinded row splitting the assets, most notably the pets, and most spectacular the horse.

The horse was just mean, come on she rode it, and he wanted to ride off into the sunset on it, with his new pregnant woman....

Original poster

YouSirName · 14/07/2013 18:48

Am not sure I approached this as a match making service but it's good to know I'm not going solo on the big wide sea. Kind of you all the same and puts a spring in a man's step!

Have looked at some of the mentioned social networking sites for possible routes forward (sounds a bit technical but ykwim (woop woop first acronym - I'll be wearing pull-me-ups next!!)) and there's not much, if any, to cater for dating. It's not what they're there for so can see why. If anyone has successfully explored this further and can share I'd be grateful. America seems more geared up for it than uk websites.

Sorry to repeat myself but thanks again for the advice (lighthouse guidance etc. - ok sorry, no more maritime analogies!)

OP posts:

pleiadianpony · 14/07/2013 18:52

Are there women of a similar age who don't want children either?

Probably not on mumsnet

Original poster

YouSirName · 14/07/2013 19:04

Just to confirm, I'm not trying to find a date on Mum's net, just to garner some advice on a site that is clearly open to this kind of issue.

OP posts:

pleiadianpony · 14/07/2013 19:12

lots of women don''t want children.

I didn't. Then i met my husband and totally changed my mind! My DH has colleagues who are positively childless. Spend a lot of time travelling, have a fantastic lifestyle.

Is it o.k to ask you why you don't want children?

CatsAndTheirPizza · 14/07/2013 19:15

Oh dear - is your inbox heaving YouSir?

MadBusLady · 14/07/2013 19:18

I know from past threads on the subject that there's quite a few of us 30-something women here who don't want children, or are ambivalent about it. I always assumed I would have children "some day", and now I'm 34 and "some day" is very much here, but it still doesn't really appeal. If we exist even on Mumsnet, there must be a fair few of us around in real life too. I'm just here for the craic really

BlueStones · 14/07/2013 19:21

pleidian - we are on Mumsnet, ya know! It's a nice place to chat about all kinds of things.

I know you addressed the question of "why you don't want children?" to OP, not me, but to me it is a meaningless question. There is no "why", no reason - I just don't. I think it's the same for many non-parents.

MadBusLady · 14/07/2013 19:28

Yes, you might as well ask "why DO you want children?"

pleiadianpony · 14/07/2013 19:33

yes fair point! bluestones and madbuslady !

trinity0097 · 14/07/2013 19:54

I am happily married and have no desire to have children, hubby doesn't mind either. I cannot stand small children and can't deal with the whole passing round a new baby thing that goes on when someone as work has a baby!

WafflyVersatile · 14/07/2013 20:23

I need a man who doesn't want (more) children. And we have the same issue when browsing online dating or whatever. It narrows the pool available to us but so do other things.

Whothefuckfarted · 14/07/2013 21:24

I didn't realise there were so many childless women on mumsnet Out of interest.. what was it that got all the non mums interested in signing onto mumsnet?

Mumsyblouse · 14/07/2013 21:31

You don't need a specialist dating service, if you join one of the ordinary (but expensive) dating agencies such as Drawing down the moon, you can select and be matched with other people who feel similarly about having no children, I have a friend who met her partner this way and they do enjoy being child-free.

GrendelsMum · 14/07/2013 21:43

I back off shuddering and claiming to have a cold coming on when the new babies get handed round at work.

I'm on Mumsnet because, being child-free, I've got a lot of free time .

Mendi · 14/07/2013 21:45

Nothing wrong with this choice OP. a good friend of mine was adamant from when I first met him at uni that he didn't want kids. He went on the establish a very successful career, had good long term relationships but still was sure he didn't want kids. He had a vasectomy in his late 20s (after 2 years of counselling about it) and has never looked back.

He's been in a relationship for the past 3 years and has just got engaged. TBH I think she would actually like kids but he's always been very clear what's on offer and she's obviously decided to take it.

I really think honesty is key. I have 2 or 3 female friends in late 30s who don't want kids. I'm sure you will find someone.

Whothefuckfarted · 14/07/2013 22:04

GrendelsMum Who is Grendel?

I'm going to guess at a pet? forgivemyignorance

MsJupiterJones · 14/07/2013 22:11

My advice would be to find someone your own age. Don't go out with someone ten, twenty years younger and then be surprised if they feel differently later on. Some women know from a younger age that they definitely don't want children but others find that their feelings change as they get older.

MsJupiterJones · 14/07/2013 22:15

And as others have said take absolute responsibility for your own fertility.

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