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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my dads wedding?

36 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 11:44

I received a wedding invitation from my dad this morning. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! In the past 6 years since dd1 was born I'd seen him twice per year and spoke probably once every 6/8 weeks. Then 18 months ago he stopped contacting me, when I was pregnant. I received no congratulations when baby was born, no cards at Christmas or for other children's birthdays etc. He's made no effort to make up or, heaven forbid, take time out of his own life to ask how his grandchildren are or see them and the wedding is almost 3 hours away. WIBU to not go?

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 03/07/2013 11:46

Definitely not. Sometimes you have to think of yourself and be selfish and think what does that person do for you. He did not even contact you in person ?? A big UANBU

imnotmymum · 03/07/2013 11:46

U ? Y

Beamae · 03/07/2013 11:46

Don't see why you would go at all.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 11:52

My sister will have given him my address and will see this as his attempt to make up. However, I don't think it's good enough and don't see the point of playing happy families for the wedding photos.

OP posts:
Snoopingforsoup · 03/07/2013 11:53

Could be a chance to make amends?

Fresh start. Introduce him to his new Grandchild.

If he's still an ungrateful, unfeeling tosser after that then you know to not bother in the future.

But your conscience will be clear because you'll have done everything right.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/07/2013 11:54

In the circumstances you describe no I wouldn't go. I actually think it might be really difficult for you to go bearing in mind how you feel and have been treated.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 11:54

But snooping, the older children will then be reminded of him when he will likely continue to make zero effort to be in their lives

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 03/07/2013 11:55

I think it's an opening for discussion. I agree you shouldn't just turn up at the wedding all full of love and forced smiles, but now you have the invite, it's an opportunity to meet up perhaps, beforehand and at least give your reasons why you can't just say yes.

Perhaps it will end badly, perhaps he will feel bad and apologise and you can have a new start.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 12:02

But aldi, should it really be my responsibility to arrange meeting up beforehand? Surely he should've thought it appropriate to make amends and introduce me to his girlfriend before sending the wedding invitation?

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 03/07/2013 12:11

No not your responsibility at all Busy I do not think making amends personally just doing what he thinks he should "Oh well I invited her-I tried".

Badvoc · 03/07/2013 12:12

Yanbu

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 12:12

Precisely how I feel. Or maybe his gf has just invited me to make amends

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/07/2013 12:15

I wouldn't bother. He has made no effort so why should you make a three hour journey. It is really mean of him not to even send a card at Christmas. He will have to try a bit harder than this I think.

oscarwilde · 03/07/2013 12:15

Doesn't sound as though he'd be too fussed if you weren't there. Invite has probably come from the girlfriend. I'd regretfully decline unless you want to see other family who may be attending. I certainly wouldn't take my kids along to introduce them to someone who can't be arsed to be involved in their lives.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/07/2013 12:17

I think I would only consider going if he actually called me and apologised. I think it would feel really uncomfortable and fake to have to turn up on his "big day" and congratulate him.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 12:21

I think I'll give it until just before the RSVP date and if I haven't heard from him then I will decline, spell out why, but wish him happiness

OP posts:
Slumberparty · 03/07/2013 12:25

YANBU not to go. Really you just have to ask yourself if you want a relationship with him, or are happy to continue having no contact with him. If you want to start some kind of relationship with him again, then his wedding will be an excellent opportunity to do that. If you're not bothered I would ignore the invite and not go.

TalkativeJim · 03/07/2013 12:27

Cynical old me says that he fancies having loving, smiling daughters on show together with cute grandchildren running about creating just the right atmosphere for his big day. Perhaps that's what his girlfriend will have on her side of the church. And 'ooh, where's your daughter' - 'Don't know, I stopped bothering with her 18 months ago when she was pregnant' doesnt quite hit the right note, does it?

I'd definitely decline. How much explaining you want to do is up to you.

Kewcumber · 03/07/2013 13:47

If he were really trying to make amends he would have emailed/called/texted first to say "sorry I've been a bit shit over the past 18 months, I am in a happier place now and would like to start to make it up to you. Can we meet for a coffee and perhaps I can persuade you to come to my wedding too"

Or similar.

I have a Dad like this. It took me a great deal longer than 18 months to be prepared to be the bigger person and maintain some kind of half-arsed lukewarm relationship that suits him (rather than me) just because DS likes the idea of having a Grandad.

BTW if his girlfriend is even half way normal, he doesn't have much choice but to invite you does he? How on earth do you explain why you aren't inviting your daughter without sounding a lot bit dysfunctional?

Pigsmummy · 03/07/2013 14:27

If you were my friend I would suggest picking up the phone to your Dad, have a chat, explain that due to the drop in contact you feel awkward. You are also in the wrong for no contact btw. If after the call you feel the same way then yanbu not to go to the wedding.

Kewcumber · 03/07/2013 22:00

Pigs she didn't say she stopped contacting him but that she stopped contacting her Confused How is that her fault?

Particularly given she was prgnant and gave birth in that time. I know how hurtful it is to have a parent ignore the arrival of your child. Completely. It bloody hurts. A lot. Very easy to say "pick up the phone" but often you just can't - too much hurt caused and its not always possible to be the bigger person so close to the event.

I have managed it but it took at least 5 years.

TicTakToe · 03/07/2013 23:32

I didn't know that my dad and his new partner were engaged until after they were back from honeymoon!

I wouldn't go - it seems to me to be something that they ahve done for appearances, so they can say that you were invited. If it was a genuine reach out I would have expected a little note or something in it, saying, Hi, how are you and the kids type thing.

CSIJanner · 04/07/2013 07:56

Something tells me that he met his girlfriend 18months ago... Early love, self absorbed and all of that.

I wouldn't go as its 3hours away and he hasn't made the effort with his grandchildren. If you could go without children then you may want to just goto the ceremony but that's a personal choice.

Just a question - if your sister gave your address, has he been in contact with her for the last 18months?

Justforlaughs · 04/07/2013 08:05

I would try to get back in contact, but then in all fairness I can't imagine not being in contact with any of my family in the first place so it's hard to say. Possibly start with a letter and say something "wow, that was a bit of shock, either you are one quick mover or I haven't seen you for a while, come to think of it...."

maternitart · 04/07/2013 08:41

Did you try to contact him during that time?

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