Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not go to my dads wedding?

36 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 11:44

I received a wedding invitation from my dad this morning. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! In the past 6 years since dd1 was born I'd seen him twice per year and spoke probably once every 6/8 weeks. Then 18 months ago he stopped contacting me, when I was pregnant. I received no congratulations when baby was born, no cards at Christmas or for other children's birthdays etc. He's made no effort to make up or, heaven forbid, take time out of his own life to ask how his grandchildren are or see them and the wedding is almost 3 hours away. WIBU to not go?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2013 09:36

I think it would be fine to go if you wanted to, and fine not to go if you don't want to. Certainly, in these circumstances you don't owe it to him to make a big effort.

If you don't want to go but would be open to a reconciliation (if his wife is family minded she may provide the impetus for more frequent contact) send a polite refusal but suggest it might be nice to meet up after the wedding so you can meet his wife, see the wedding pictures etc. Then the ball is in his court and you can see what he does with it.

EmmelineGoulden · 04/07/2013 09:56

YANBU to not go. But I would recommend you think carefully about it, because this is a good opportunity and one you may regret missing if you end up wanting more of a relationship with him.

But don't go just because he's asked you. Only do it if it's likely to bring about a relationship dynamic you are comfortable with. You are not obliged to have a relationship with him. He's your father but doesn't play the social role, you don't have to play the role of dutiful daughter.

skinoncustard · 04/07/2013 10:00

What is it with dads, they get a 'girlfriend' and all sence goes out the window. My dad was a decent sort, my mum died , 6 months later he got a 'girlfriend' . 18 months later I was getting married, he told me about a month before that he couldn't give me away/ come as he was getting married the same day !!!!! 6 years later , he was now divorced, I 'gave in' as I was pregnant. We had a 'delicate' relationship but I thought my children should have a grandparent. ( the only one ) 25 years later when I went to register his death I discovered that he got married a month after me ! It made me feel so angry and sad even all these years later. It's too late to find out why . I can't imagine anyone or anything stopping me from attending my daughters wedding next year.

Original poster

BusyLizzie99 · 04/07/2013 11:25

Yes, he stopped contacting me. I sent a letter as his phone number changed but had no response. He's been in regular contact with my sister and her children. She text to ask if I'm going to the wedding (after also not contacting me for several months) and I said 'seeing as I haven't heard from him for 18 months, then no.' She said 'he will be gutted', to which I replied: 'well he'll know how his grandchildren felt when he didn't acknowledge DDs existence, send a birthday or Christmas card etc.' She said: 'it takes two to make an effort, this could be the starting point.' I agree with the earlier poster who said I was invited to keep up appearances with his gf and create nicer photos/atmosphere etc. I disagree I should make the effort; effectively ignoring your child/grand children's existence is inexcusable in my opinion.

OP posts:

maternitart · 04/07/2013 12:25

Wow that IS inexcusable, especially as he's bothered with your sister and her children. That must make you feel really awful.

I wouldn't go. Rip up the invite, ask your sis not to mention it again and plan something lovely for you and your children to do on the day.

FWIW I never met either of my grandfathers and it certainly didn't do me any harm. In fact with one of them I'm glad as he sounded like an abusive, nasty piece of work.

imnotmymum · 04/07/2013 12:43

Busy you are spot on. Move on and make your family your priority and it is he who is missing out.

JumpingJetFlash · 04/07/2013 13:22

I have a similar contact issue with my father (I don't call him Dad anymore as it makes a mockery of the close relationship I USED to have). It makes me sad that he isn't the Grandad I thought he'd be but as my dd doesn't know him she can't miss him iyswim.

I point blank wouldn't be going so he could pretend happy families and I'd tell your sister to wind her neck in. You wrote and tried to phone - you haven't moved so what's his excuse???

CandidaDoyle · 04/07/2013 13:27

My father's the same. He's seen my DD once since she was born and has never acknowledged the existence on my son. He didn't come to my grandmother's (his mothers funeral) or been in touch with his frail father since.

There's never been any family fall out, every one was just dropped when gf came on the scene.

I have no idea if he is now married to his gf, but I would not attend even if invited. I think it would cause a lot of confusion with my children, to get in touch only to be dropped again straight after.

Good luck with what you decide.

DragonMamma · 04/07/2013 13:31

I'd not even consider going if I were you.

I'm another one who's previously great dad went completely the other way when he got a new gf/wife. I don't speak to him anymore and whilst it stings that he just accepted it and made no attempts to build any bridges I wouldn't lower myself to attend any event he invited me to in the future when he put golf and his wife's whims above seeing me and his GC.

wheredidiputit · 04/07/2013 15:05

I wouldn't go either.

And you have/did make an effort when you wrote to him 18mths ago which he ignored. If he/they want you and your family to go then they/he needs to make the effort.

Your dad sounds like mine did. He only apologised for his behavior when he found out he was dying and then suddenly we were important to him after being ignored 90% for 15yrs.

brilliantwhite · 04/07/2013 15:09

he doesnt seem interested in your life ,why should you be interested in his , i would not go .

Flip

1 2